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MARRIAGE 

AND THE £>' 1 C* 

DUTIES OF THE MARRIAGE RELATIONS, 

IN 

51 Inhfl nf in 3Tntu«H ; 

ADDRESSED TO 

YOUTH, AND THE YOUNG IN MARRIED LIFE. 

By GEORGE W. QUINBY. . A \* 



CINCINNATI: 

J. A. & U. P. J AME S, 

1852. 



t\ Q *i 




Entered, according to act of Congress, in the year 1852, 

By J. A. & U. P. JAMES, 

in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the District of Ohio. 



STEREOTYPED BY A. C. JAMES, 

167 Walnut St., Cincinnati. 



PREFACE. 



The discourses which comprise this little volume 
are a portion of a series of Twelve Lectures on im- 
portant practical subjects, addressed to the young 
men and ladies of my congregation during the past 
winter. I was urgently solicited to publish the 
entire series in a single volume, but chose rather to 
present what I had to say on the subject of Marriage 
and the Duties of the Marriage Relations, in a book 
by itself, as I have long cherished a desire to publish 
a sort of practical Manual for Young Men, embracing 
not only the other topics discussed in this series, but 
taking a wider range and presenting many useful 
hints, and illustrating many important principles of 
a different nature, calculated to lead the young in 
the paths of virtue, honor and prosperity. This de- 
sire I hope to accomplish at no late day. 

To some it may appear strange that a clergyman 
should preach and publish lectures on marriage — a 
subject about which there is so much levity, frivolity, 
trifling and gossip. If such ask for a reason of this 



IV PREFACE. 

strangeness, I must refer them to the lectures them- 
selves which make their own defense. 

This effort is for those who are just commencing the 
duties of active life ; a class for whom the author has 
always loved to labor. The lectures were not given 
precisely in the form in which they now appear. Ad- 
ditions have been made to render the discussion of 
the several subjects more complete. The author has 
not studied so much for elegant diction as for the 
utterance of plain common sense in a manner to be 
understood by the most humble capacity, and best 
calculated to please and instruct the class for whom 
the lectures are designed. That this volume may be 
received in the same kindly spirit which sends it forth, 
be instrumental in leading the youthful mind to a 
just appreciation of the subjects discussed, and inspire 
within them a desire to fulfill every duty which it 
enforces, is the earnest prayer of 

The Author. 
Cincinnati, May, 1852. 



CONTENTS. 



LECTURE I. 

MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 

The Bible is not silent on this subject. — Why should 
not the pulpit -speak ? — It is a subject which is usually- 
treated with levity. — Marriage a divine institution. — 
Opposition to marriage in some countries. — Blessings of 
marriage. — Licentiousness in countries where it is not 
properly regarded. — Moral condition of France. — Testi- 
mony of all great and good men in favor of marriage. — 
Laws of the ancients. — Opinion of Luther. — Dr. Adam 
Clarke. — Comparison of Dr. Franklin. — Opinion of Jeremy 
Taylor page 7. 

LECTURE II. 

IMPORTANCE OF RIGHT VIEWS OF MARRIAGE ADVANTAGES 

AND DISADVANTAGES OF EARLY MARRIAGE. 

Proper instructions should be given our youth on the 
subject of marriage and the duties of its relations. — Influ- 
ence of education. — Opinions and customs of the Turks 
and other nations — What is meant by early marriage. — 
Testimony of good men in favor of early marriages. — 
Advantages and disadvantages of early marriage, page 34. 

LECTURE III. 

HINTS IN THE CHOICE OF A COJtfPANION. 

Importance of acting understandingly in the choice of 
a companion. — The wife a favor from the Lord. — The 
husband a favor from the Lord. — Beware of hasty engage- 
ments. — The ideal and the real of matrimony. — Deception 
in courtship. — Never rely on ball room and other deceptive 



VI CONTENTS. 

appearances. — Never sport with the affections. — The mys- 
terious lady of Cincinnati. — Similarity of opinions, tastes, 
habits and feelings between the parties page 72 

LECTURE IV. 

HINTS IN THE CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 

The parties must be discreet. — Indications in the young 
woman of the good wife — a dutiful daughter — affectionate 
sister — desires to be useful — cultivates habits of economy 
and frugality. — Extract from Pittsburg Saturday Visitor 
addressed to country girls. — A genteel boarding-house in 
Louisville. — Neatness necessary in the wife. — Indications 
in a young man of a good husband page 105 

LECTURE V. 

MUTUAL DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

The study of true domestic life. — Young men and women 
should learn to be good husbands and wives. — Marriage 
indissoluble. — Trifles not to mar the harmony of the mar- 
riage intercourse. — Caution against injuring the feelings 
of each other. — Should confide in each other. — Interesting 
story showing the strength of the young wife in bearing 
the reverses of fortune. — Husband and wife equals, page 144 

LECTURE VI. 

RECIPROCAL DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

Husband's duties. — He must love his wife. — Teachings 
of Scripture. — He must protect and provide for his wife. — 
He is the house-bond. — He must cultivate a love for home 
and spend his leisure moments with his family. — He must 
moke home pleasant. — Wife's duties. — She must reverence, 
obey and love her husband. — Scriptural meaning of these 
terms. — She must love home and its duties. — Must be kind 
and gentle. — Interesting extracts page 179. 



LECTURE I. 

MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 



" And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man 
should be alone : I will make him a help meet for him." 
Gen. ii : 18. 

The subject which claims our attention this 
evening is too generally shunned by the Teacher 
of righteousness — not in his practical apprecia- 
tion of its claims — but in his public administra- 
tion of the word. The Bible is not silent on a 
theme so important. God himself was the author 
of the marriage institution — Christ approbated 
and sanctioned its claims, while Paul denned its 
relations and enforced the duties of those rela- 
tions. Everywhere does the voice of inspiration 
speak, that the young may be instructed, and the 
more advanced counseled. Why is the pulpit 
mute ? Why does the minister of the gospel so 



8 quinby's lectures. 

seldom broach this subject, and make it the theme 
of comment on the sabbath in the house of God ? 
It is not because it lacks interest — everybody is 
interested in it ; nor because it lacks importance, 
for everybody who has reflected, knows that but few 
themes can be presented of greater weight. The 
main reason why Matrimony and the duties of the 
marriage relations are not more frequently dis- 
cussed under the sober influences of the pulpit, I 
apprehend, is to be found in the fact that they are 
so generally a matter of jest. There is no sub- 
ject of conversation more common than that of 
marriage, especially with the young ; and none 
about which there is more levity, frivolity, trifling 
and even gossip. Now for the minister to bring a 
subject, which is generally regarded in this light, 
into the pulpit on the sabbath, seems inconsistent 
with the place — the nature of his office, and is 
not always congenial with his feelings. 

But look you ! some men — yea, and women 
also — make even the theme of religion a matter 
of ridicule. Shall we, therefore, refrain from 
introducing it into the pulpit, and enforcing its 
claims ? Indeed, should not the very circumstance 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 9 

that some do treat the claims of Christianity with 
levity and strive to bring it into disrepute, urge 
its friends to greater zeal in defense of its sacred 
truths — its holy examples — its blessed spirit ? 
So of the subject which claims our attention this 
evening. It is one big with interest and import- 
ance. A correct view of it is inseparably asso- 
ciated with the purity of society and the happiness 
of individuals ; and the very fact of its being so 
generally treated with levity and jest is a sufficient 
reason and, indeed, an urgent reason why men of 
experience — of sober thought — who have given 
the subject reflection, and who understand some- 
thing of the evils and blessings arising from the 
marriage relations, should bring the subject before 
their congregations from time to time and present 
it in its true aspect, offering such reflections, and 
enforcing such duties as its nature and importance 
demands. 

This is what I design in this lecture and those 
which may follow. I would not be intimidated 
by prevailing opinions. With a sincere desire to 
offer something calculated to instruct and benefit 
the young, I would speak my sober convictions 



10 quinby's lectures. 

plainly. You have your views on this subject. 
You will think on it and talk about it and act with 
reference to it. The great question is, are your 
views just : and do you think and talk wisely and 
will you act judiciously ? One of the Grecian 
philosophers made marriage the third of five prin- 
cipal things in one's life. If it holds so important 
a place in the relations of our being, surely it is 
wise in us to investigate it well — to be admon- 
ished — to hearken to counsel. 

Having offered these reflections, that all may 
observe the position we occupy and appreciate the 
sentiments by which we are actuated, permit me 
to call your attention, first of all, to a more par- 
ticular consideration of a declaration made when 
I began these remarks : 

God himself was the author of the marriage insti- 
tution. He established it — smiled upon it — gave 
it his approbation and made it honorable among 
all men. But let me also say, God does not au- 
thorize, nor approbate, nor make honorable among 
men any thing inconsistent with the marriage re- 
lations — which oversteps their bounds, and tram- 
ples under foot the laws which infinite wisdom has 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 1 1 

instituted for the government of the sexes. Let 
men beware how they transgress. 

" And the Lord God said," when he had formed 
Adam, "it is not good that the man should be 
alone, I will make him a help meet for him." 
The word "help," in this scripture, is generally 
misapprehended in its signification. We use it in 
the sense of helper or assistant. This is one def- 
inition, but it does not include the entire meaning 
of the original phrase. It signifies, also, that the 
woman was counterpart of the man — one formed 
from him and equal to him — possessing neither 
superiority nor inferiority, but in all things like 
him, and therefore a fit companion for him. Let 
no husband conceive that because he is the man 
he occupies higher rank than his wife, and treat 
her as an inferior ; let no wife entertain exalted 
notions of her sex or position ; for the moment this 
is done, the relationship which God designed be- 
tween the two sexes is broken, and. all the claims 
of companionship are destroyed. Your servant — 
your slave — your dog, is not a fit companion for 
you ; but only your equal. Should you not be 
ashamed, then, to treat your wife or your husband 



12 quinby's lectures. 

as a mere vassal — or menial — or dependent, 
when you acknowledge yourselves to be compan- 
ions by living in wedlock ? We are not informed 
in the scriptures that Adam entertained any such 
sentiments. Before the formation of Eve he was 
ajone ; and though dwelling in a young Eden amid 
the freshness and profusion of springing nature, 
we are not to suppose he w r as content and happy 
in his loneliness. He was constituted a social 
being. He desired company. All the glad joys 
of earth were of no avail unless the longings of 
his soul could be answered in this respect. 

""No sin his face defiling, 

The heir of nature stood, 
And God, benignly smiling, 

Beheld that all was good. 
Yet in that hour of blessing 

A single want was known — 
A wish the heart distressing — 

For Adam was alone" 

Hence, God said, "it is not good that the man 
should be alone/' — i. e., without a matrimonial 
companion — he, therefore, formed woman and 
gave her to the man as a " help" — a companion 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 13 

" meet for him " — suitable for him ; one in every 
way designed to do him good, smooth his way, 
alleviate his sufferings, sympathize with his dis- 
tress, chasten his affections and walk hand in hand 
with him in all life's journey. In the reception of 
this divine favor one of the poets makes Adam 
say to Eve : 

"A unity in love cemented, 

Blest by thy presence, and by thee 
Gilded with smiles and purity, 

May make my exiled soul contented. 

O sister, — daughter, — fairest bride. — 
What shall I call thee ? Paradise 
Has million flowers that smiling rise, 

To kiss thy feet, well satisfied.' 

Eve's reply : 

"Love ! one shall be our will — and one 
Our fate, from the first dawn of day, 
When the bright sun begins his way, 

To when his weary course is done. 

Peace, tenderness, and joy, — a shrine 
Sacred to cheerful love, — and praise 
To Him, the Lord of ceaseless days, 

Who blended thy fond heart with mine." 



14 quinby's lectures. 

The language of Adam, as indicated in the 
divine word, however, is not so poetic ; but it 
shows a due appreciation, on his part, of the 
blessing which God had bestowed, and a just 
conception of the closeness and equality of the 
relationship which should exist between himself 
and his companion. " And the rib which the 
Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman 
and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, 
this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my 
flesh : she shall be called woman, because she 
was taken out of man." An eminent commentator 
on the scriptures s ays, with reference to this text : 
" Woman has been defined by many as compounded 
of wo and man, as if called man's woe because she 
tempted him to eat the forbidden fruit ; but this is 
no meaning of the original word, nor could it be 
intended, as the transgression was not then com- 
mitted." But the meaning of the word is implied 
by the declaration of Adam himself. "She shall 
be called woman, because she was taken out of 
man." She is an equal of man — created like 
him — is designed as a companion for him ; and, 
then he adds, "therefore shall a man leave his 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 15 

father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, 
and they tviain shall be one." 

Thus was the institution of marriage established 
by God, on the creation of the first human pair. 
As a devout author has expressed it : " The first 
blessing God gave to man was society, and that 
society was marriage, and that marriage was con- 
federate by God himself and hallowed by a bless- 
ing." 

When we appeal to the teachings of Christ we 
find him sanctioning the marriage covenant and 
making it a sacred institution of his religion in the 
following language : " Have ye not read, that He 
which made them at the beginning, made them 
male and female ? and said for this cause shall a 
man leave father and mother and shall cleave to 
his wife ; and they twain shall be one flesh. Where- 
fore, they are no more twain, but one. What, 
therefore, God hath joined together, let not man 
put asunder." 

But, notwithstanding God is the author of the 
marriage institution, I come to remark, 

Secondly: There are many in community who 
would have it abolished. 



16 quinby's lectures. 

In all ages have men opposed this institution as 
they have opposed every blessing which Heaven 
has given. Notwithstanding it is founded in wis- 
dom and benevolence — is a promoter of virtue 
and holiness on earth, and the source of the purest 
joys and sweetest happiness ever experienced by 
man, there are thousands who would trample its 
claims under foot, and have it universally disre- 
garded. They contend that it is an institution of 
tyranny, that the parties are "bound with an iron 
chain," and that a married life is far more wretched 
than "the state of single blessedness." This has 
always been the language of French infidels, and 
of a large class of other persons attached to vari- 
ous Orders and Associations in Europe and Amer- 
1 ica. We sometimes hear even married persons 
disclaiming against matrimony. This is shameful, 
and argues one of three things : 1 . Either they 
have found an inestimable good, but being exceed- 
ingly selfish, are unwilling that others should seek 
and enjoy a like blessing ; or, 2. They are corrupt 
in heart and desire to lead a life of licentiousness, 
free from all virtuous restraint ; or, 3. and what is 
most likely to be the main cause of complaint, they 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 17 

have been unwise in the choice of a companion — 
are " unevenly yoked " — their spirits do not har- 
monize, and, as a natural consequence, much ill- 
will and trouble ensue. But even in a case like 
this, prudence and wisdom would dictate silence, 
and suggest to the parties the propriety of making 
" the best of a bad bargain/' ^ 

It is useless to deny the fact, for every body 
knows it, that very much wretchedness is ofttimes 
the result of matrimonial unions. That the par- 
ties live in perpetual broils: or, in consequence of 
inability or misfortune, in perpetual poverty. But 
what does this prove ? Nothing against the insti- 
tution of marriage, but only that such persons are 
either naturally very petulant and cross-grained, 
and can not live in peace with any body whether 
married or single, or, not being in possession of a 
business faculty, they lack for the comforts and 
necessaries of life just as they would if they had 
remained unmarried. 

The marriage institution, like every other good, 
is often wofully abused. When persons marry for 
gain or distinction, or in consequence of turbulent 
and irregular passion — when the parties deceive 



18 quinby's lectures. 

each other before marriage concerning position, 
temper, pecuniary interests, motives, principles, 
or any thing of the kind, how can it be reasonably 
expected that perfect confidence, and, therefore, 
perfect harmony can be the result ? But do not 
lay the cause of any such difficulty at the door of 
the marriage covenant, for that is not in the fault. 
Rather attribute it to the baseness of these worldly 
and deceptive hearts ; there is where it belongs. 
Shall we refrain from all God's blessings because 
they are all abused by somebody ? The human 
system craves food. It is good for us to eat when 
hunger demands it. But shall we refuse to do so, 
affirming that eating is a curse to the world, be- 
cause some over-greedy person has choked him- 
self ? This man made it a curse to him. There 
was nobody in the fault but himself, however. He 
was either very hasty or very careless in prepar- 
ing and masticating his food. 

When parties enter wedlock too hastily, or from 
the motives which I have enumerated, which are 
deceptive and impure, they need not expect hap- 
piness, for happiness never flows from such a 
fountain. Purity is the element from whence it is 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 19 

derived. When individuals are joined in marriage 
from pure and generous motives ; when their hearts 
are cemented by a mutual affection and esteem ; 
when they study the interests and happiness of 
each other, and are always willing to sacrifice, 
each to the pleasure of the other; in such a con- 
dition of circumstances, the truest peace, the 
sweetest enjoyment, are the sure fruits of the 
matrimonial relations. 

" Oh happy they ! the happiest of their kind 

Whom gentler stars unite; and in one fate, 

Their hearts, their fortunes, and their beings blend." 

We are ready to grant, then, that many unhap- 
py matrimonial connections are formed, and much 
wretchedness experienced in the domestic world. 
But we will not grant that the institution is, there- 
fore, a curse to society, and should be abolished. 
Consider a moment what would be the consequen- 
ces were it abolished. Evils now exist in connec- 
tion with it. How much sorer ; — how much more 
deplorable the evils which would be experienced 
were it annulled ! What would become of socie- 
ty ; — of the domestic relations, — of conjugal purity 



20 quinby's lectures. 

and family joys ? All can judge. I can conceive 
of no greater curse than the abolishment of the 
marriage institution. In the establishment and 
perpetuity of this institution, I see the hand of 
divine wisdom and goodness. 

To employ the language of a late writer who 
has bestowed much thought on the subject : — 
" Marriage is vitally connected with the highest 
interests of human society. It restrains, purines, 
and elevates mankind. It is the greatest preserver 
of morality and religion; and forms one of the 
most effective of the influences which prevent the 
world from being deluged with licentiousness, and 
every loathsome form of evil. All the comforts 
of domestic life — the sacred and deathless ties of 
the family circle — the dear delights — the cherished 
associations — the hallowed memories of the pater- 
nal fireside — spring directly from the marriage 
state. It is this alone that gives us the home of 
our childhood, the love, the protection, the wise 
counsel of parents. It is this that affords the 
sacred retreat in mature days, where, from the 
strifes and cares, and bitter disappointments of the 
busy mart, the husband and the father can retire, 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 21 

and amid the soothing attentions and the unbought 
love of wife and children, renew his strength and 
courage for future struggles. It is this that fur- 
nishes the aged patriarch and the venerable mat- 
ron, with the safe covert, the quiet refuge, the 
warm snug corner, where they can pass the winter 
of life surrounded by children and children's chil- 
dren, who delight to rise up and do them reverence 
and minister to their comforts."* 

"Domestic happiness ! thou only bliss 

Of Paradise that hath survived the fall ! 

******* 

Thou art the nurse of virtue ; in thine arms 
She smiles, appearing as in truth she is, 
Heaven-born, and destined to the skies again." 

I offer these reflections not because I apprehend 
those to whom I am speaking are violent opposers 
of the marriage covenant, but that you may see 
how intimately it is interwoven with the purity and 
vitality of society, and how it is the fountain from 
whence is drawn the purest delights of our being. 
Where it is disregarded, corruption and degrada- 

*Golden Steps for the Young. 



22 aUINBY's LECTURES. 

tion follow. In France, vast numbers of both 
sexes live in a state of celibacy; and licentious- 
ness, corruption, illegitimacy, destitution, and 
premature death are the fruits gathered on every 
hand. In the city of Paris alone, there are said 
to be more than twenty thousand females destitute 
of homes, and thirty thousand illegitimate children 
maintained principally by charity."* 

*Dr. Dick, in his work on the " Improvement of So- 
ciety," refers to this subject. The condition of morals in 
Paris, of which he speaks, has not improved since the date 
to which he refers. He speaks as follows : — " The state of 
marriage in this country since the revolution, is likewise 
the fertile source of immorality and crime. Marriage is 
little else than a state of legal concubinage, a mere tempo- 
rary connection, from which the parties can loose them- 
selves when they please ; and women are a species of 
mercantile commodity. Illicit connections and illegiti- 
mate children, especially in Paris, are numerous beyond 
what is known in any other country. The following 
statement of the affairs in this city for the year 1803, given 
by the prefect of police to the grand judge, presents a most 
revolting idea of the state of public morals : — During this 
year 409 men and 109 women have committed suicide ; 
81 men and 69 women were murdered ; 644 divorces ; 155 
murderers executed ; 2,836 persons were condemned to 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 23 

In view of the importance attached to the mar- 
riage institution, the Jews were exceedingly strict 
in their endeavors to preserve it in its purest form. 
Their laws, at a certain time, absolutely required 
that every man should form a matrimonial connec- 
tion. If an individual refused to conform to this 
natural and reasonable requirement, he was deemed 
a selfish, ungenerous misanthrope. There are men 
in society in our day — men who voluntarily choose 
a state of isolated loneliness — violating the laws 
of nature, and becoming very sour and dreary as 
time adds to their wrinkles, and no wife or children 
are near to smile upon and comfort them ; — these 
men, I was about to say, would grumble most 
bitterly were they living under the demands of the 
ancient Jewish code. But their complaints would 
be uttered with still greater vehemence were they 
doomed to the restrictions of Lycurgus, the famed 

the galleys and hard labor ; 12,076 public women were 
registered ; large sums were levied from these wretched 
creatures, who were made to pay from 5 to 10 guineas each 
monthly, according to their rank, beauty, or fashion ; 1,552 
kept mistresses were noted down by the police, and 3S0 
brothels were licensed by the prefect." 



24 quinby's lectures. 

wise man and governor of Sparta. Men who had 
arrived at the age of twenty-five years without 
forming a matrimonial connection, were regarded 
by him with a species of contempt ; — were not 
admitted into society as other men, and were even 
excluded from the public games, which were sup- 
ported by the government for the amusement of 
the public generally. Nor was this all. After the 
death of Lycurgus, the Spartans instituted laws 
by which bachelors were not only excluded from 
theaters and other places of public amusement, 
but were actually punished for a neglect of mar- 
riage ; this reasonable requirement, — this main 
duty of life. 

Such are the teachings of history, and the re- 
quirements of Holy Writ, concerning marriage. 
Such the blessings which it secures and the evils 
which it avoids ; and such the important place 
which it holds in society. The man who would 
treat it lightly, or denounce it, is an enemy of his 
race. He who would uphold and protect it in its 
purity, is a friend to society, and a promoter of 
virtue and happiness. Let the young men present 
remember this, and govern themselves accordingly. 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 25 

3. In pursuing this general subject further, I am 
certain I can do no better than to present you with 
the testimony of " the great and the good," who 
have lived in different ages and countries, in sup- 
port of the sentiments advanced. Philanthropists, 
divines, statesmen, moralists, and philosophers, 
have always spoken favorably of the marriage 
relations. No matter what their own experience — 
whether blissful or otherwise — if men of pure 
midns, they have invariably, so far as my reading 
can testify, given utterance to sentiments of high 
approbation concerning the institution itself, and 
the duty of all young persons to look forward to 
it with favor, and bend every energy to enter it 
with honor. Many of the sayings of these men 
are amusing as well as instructive. For instance : 

A Grecian Philosopher says : — " There are five 
attributes of God — so there are five great things 
connected with the being of man. His birth, edu- 
cation, marriage, profession, death. No man has 
a right to live to himself, or alone. If one man 
can claim this as a right, so can two or a thousand, 
or all. Then what will the end be of society ?" 

Luther testified : — " Since God has created wo- 



26 quinby's lectures. 

man such as to require of necessity to be near to 
man, let us ask no more ; God is on our side. So 
let us honor marriage as an honorable and divine 
institution. This mode of life is the first which it 
pleased God to ordain, — is that which he has 
constantly maintained, — is the last which he will 
glorify over every other. Where were kingdoms 
and empires when Adam and the patriarchs lived 
in marriage ? out of what other kind of life do all 
states proceed ? 

"No one will ever have to repent rising early and 
marrying young. 

'* My host of Eisenach said well, when I was a 
student there, — 'There is no sweeter pleasure 
upon earth than to be loved by a woman.' 

" Oh, how my heart sighed after mine own, when 
I lay sick to death at Smalkalde ! I thought I 
should never see my wife or little ones ; and how 
aofonizinof was the thought ! Great is the force of 
the social tie which unites man and wife together." 

Dr. Clarke says, in his comments on the teach- 
ings of our text: — "We have here the first insti- 
tution of marriage, and we see in it several partic- 
ulars worthy of our most serious regard : 



MARRTAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 27 

" 1 . God pronounces the state of singleness to be 
a bad state ; or, if the reader please, not a good 
one : 4 And the Lord God said it is not good for 
man to be alone.' This is God's judgment. 
Councils, and fathers, and doctors, and synods, 
have given a different judgment. But on such a 
subject they are worthy of no attention. The 
word of God abideth forever. 

" 2. God made the woman for the man, and thus 
has he shown us that every son of Adam should be 
united to a daughter of Eve to the end of the world. 

" 3. God made the woman out of the man, to 
intimate that the closest union, and the most affec- 
tionate attachment, should subsist in the matrimo- 
nial connection, so that the man should ever consider 
and treat the woman as part of himself. And as no 
one ever hated himself — his own flesh, but nour- 
ishes and supports it, so should a man deal with 
his wife; and, on the other hand, the woman 
should consider that the man was not made for 
her, but that she was made for the man, and derived 
under God her being from him ; therefore, the wife 
should see that she reverence her husband, and 
honoreth him and doth him good." 



28 quinby's lectures. 

He then adds : — " How happy must such a state 
be, where God's institution is properly regarded, 
where the parties are married, as the Apostle 
expresses it, ' in the Lord ;' where each, by the 
acts of the tenderest kindness, lives only to pre- 
vent the wishes and contribute in every possible 
way to the comfort and happiness of the other. 
Where there is no acrimony or discord — but where 
all is harmony — the harmony of love." 

In comparing the blessings of a single life with 
those of marriage, he says : — "The single man is 
an atom in society ; the married man is a small 
community in himself. The former is the center 
of his own existence, and lives for himself alone. 
The latter is diffused abroad, makes a more im- 
portant part of the body social, and provides both 
for its support and continuance. The single man 
lives for, and does good, to himself only ; the 
married man lives both for himself and the public. 
Both the State and the Church of Christ depend 
on the married man. Neither the world nor the 
Church is under the least obligations to the un- 
married, who, continuing in their celibacy, live 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 29 

comparatively a useless life, and die as they should, 
unregretted." 

" But while I contend for the superior excellence 
of the marriage state," he continues, " I am no 
apologist for indiscriminate marriages. No ; many 
of them are criminal in the highest degree. In- 
stead of consulting common sense and propriety, 
childish affections, brutish passions, or the love of 
money, are the motives on which many of them 
have been contracted. Such marriages are miser- 
able, must be so, and should not be otherwise: 
and superficial people, looking at these, form an 
estimate of the state itself ; and then indulge them- 
selves in exclaiming against an ordinance of God, 
either perverted by themselves, or the equally 
foolish persons who are the subject of their ani- 
madversions. That the genuine Christian can never 
be so useful in any state as that of marriage, I am 
fully convinced ; but to be happy, the marriage must 
be ' in the Lord 9 — that is, in love." 

In justice to my own feelings, I can not permit 
this quotation to go without saying that I think 
some of its reflections rather severe on those who 



30 quinby's lectures. 

are so unfortunate as to pass a whole life in celi- 
bacy. These reflections are not strictly time, either. 
Many of this class do not "live for, and do good, 
to themselves oloneP They live for, and provide 
for, and do good to others ; — parents, brothers, 
sisters, and friends. And when such die, they die 
regretted ; not by wife and children, it is true, but 
by other near and dear friends. 

The Dr. makes no distinctions. He condemns 
"old bachelors " and "old maids," as they are 
vulgarly called, "without respect of persons," as 
anomalies, and a commodity utterly useless. But 
this goes beyond truth and should be set down as 
slander. My intercourse with society prompts me 
to say that some of the most generous hearted, 
useful, ( useful in their sphere, ) affectionate, sym- 
pathizing persons I have ever known, have been 
of these same "much abused" classes. Many of 
them possess all the qualities of the good husband 
or the good wife ; being intelligent, capable, in- 
dustrious and of good moral and Christian habits. 
Such persons should be heads of families. Their 
days are passing like a shadow. They stand 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 31 

"alone." "It is not good that the man should 
be alone." 

Dr. Clark is not the only great man who has 
uttered slanderous things against the classes of 
which I am speaking. Dr. Franklin once made a 
comparison, when speaking of unmarried men, 
that at least was disrespectful, " A man without a 
wife," he said, "was like one-half of a pair of 
shears, which could neither be used as a knife 
nor for shears ; but would possibly answer to 
scrape an old trencher." This odd opinion of so 
great a man, produces levity. I have introduced it 
not for this purpose, but simply to show how prone 
doctors are to treat certain persons, as worthy 
as themselves, with derision. When this com- 
parison was made Franklin was a bachelor, and, 
therefore, occupied the position of " one-half of a 
pair of shears." 

Jeremy Taylor, an eccentric English divine, 
bears witness as follows : " Marriage is a school 
and exercise of virtue ; and though marriage 
hath cares, yet the single life hath desires which 
are more troublesome and more dangerous, and 



32 quinby's lectures. 

often end in sin, while the cares are but instances 
of duty and exercises of piety ; and, therefore, if 
single life hath more privacy of devotion, yet 
marriage hath more necessities and more variety 
of it, and is an exercise of more graces. Here 
kindness is spread abroad, and love is united and 
made firm as a center. 

"Marriage is the mother of the world, and 
preserves kingdoms and fills cities and churches. 
Celibacy, like the fly in the heart of an apple, 
dwells in perpetual sweetness, but sits alone and is 
confined, and at last dies in singleness ; but mar- 
riage, like the useful bee, builds a house and 
gathers sweetness from every flower — labors and 
unites into societies — sends out colonies and fills 
the world with delicacies. 

" It has its labors of love, its sweets of friend- 
ship, the blessings of society and the union of 
hands and hearts. It has in it less of beauty and 
more of safety than a single life. It is more 
merry and yet more sad ; it is fuller of joys and 
yet fuller of sorrows. It lies under burdens, but 
it is supported by all the strength of love and 



MARRIAGE ITS BLESSINGS. 33 

charity, and these very burdens are delightful to 
be borne/ ' 

Such are the views of the great and good con- 
cerning the subject under consideration. They 
correspond with the Divine Word. Let all who 
would be useful, happy, prosperous and honored, 
journey toward the land of wedlock, and when 
circumstances are favorable, take some partner 
by the hand, enter its precincts, and with an 
abiding confidence and pure desire, "settle down" 
in the midst of its springing delights, there to 
enjoy the sweets and taste the bitter that may 
mingle in your cup of experience. 



LECTURE II. 



IMPORTANCE OF RIGHT YIEWS OF MARRIAGE— ADVAN- 
TAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF EARLY MARRIAGES. 



"Rejoice with the wife of thy youth." Prov. v : 18. 

This is a divine injunction — wise and salutary 
in its requisition. Be glad — happy — joyful with 
the wife of thy youth. Not with one who is 
not a wife — or with the wife of thy neighbor, but 
with thy wife. From the character of a previous 
lecture you may have supposed I was endeavor- 
ing to reconcile the young with the idea of mat- 
rimony. Not so : this is not necessary. But it 
is necessary that they entertain right views and 
cherish honorable and virtuous resolutions with 
reference to marriage and the marriage relations. 
You have a desire for happiness. This is natural. 
All seek it ; but many look in the wrong direction. 
"Virtue is an angel ; but she is a blind one, and 

must ask of knowledge to show her the pathway 
34 



RIGHT VIEWS OF MARRIAGE. 35 

that leads to her goal." A knowledge of what 
to select and how to pursue, is as necessary as 
virtue herself. What I would do in calling your 
attention to a consideration of the leading subject 
of these lectures is, to exalt your views of the 
marriage covenant ; — to have you regard it as a 
gift from the divine goodness — wise in its nature, 
and salutary and blessed in all its requirements. 
In youth, and when youth is ripening into ma- 
turity, the mind should be properly instructed 
and the heart impressed with the nature and 
demands of this most important question. There 
is speculation enough, in the ranks of young ladies 
and gentlemen, on the subject ; and enough of 
talk and frolic and romance ; but not enough of 
the right kind of knowledge ; and the result is, 
too many trifle with the claims of matrimony — 
regard it as a joke, and approach it, not with 
virtuous aims, and honorable and noble resolves, 
but with base designs and low selfish motives. 
Were I speaking to parents, I would say, each son 
or daughter should be educated at home, not in 
the process of making matrimonial advances, but 
in the true nature of marriage and the foundation 



36 quinby's lectures. 

upon which domestic happiness is based. Too 
generally the wrong course is pursued by the 
heads of families in their treatment of this subject. 
The parents either remain silent, never offering a 
word of instruction or advice, or, when they learn 
a son or daughter has thoughts of matrimony, 
they ridicule it — sneer at it — especially if the poor 
victim of their sport is deemed too young "to 
think of such things." No matter how delighted 
they may be at heart with the matrimonial pros- 
pects of the child, they treat the subject in a tone 
and manner so foreign from what is really re- 
quired of them as parents, and so adverse to the 
feelings of the party most interested, that a sense 
of shame is experienced, and a want of confidence 
engendered in the bosom of the son or daughter 
toward the parent. 

This is unwise, injudicious, wrong. The truth 
is, young persons will think about such things, 
and act with reference to them. It is proper 
they should, for God himself has made marriage 
honorable among all men, and all women likewise. 
What we should strive to do is, to induce them to 
think and act wisely and honorably. 



RIGHT VIEWS OF MARRIAGE. 37 

Do you say il they will think as they please and 
act as they please, and that all instruction con- 
cerning this subject is lost upon them ? " I reply, 
so you might say with reference to the education 
of the child in good morals — principles of virtue, 
of science — in the secrets of trade, or any im- 
portant thing in which the young are more or less 
interested. They mill do as they please — it is 
therefore useless for the parent to offer a word of 
exhortation or counsel. 

" But," you say again, " marriage presents a 
different aspect ; and the circumstances which 
lead to it, and the customs which control it, can 
not be regulated by rules and by the enforcement 
of principles, as other things are regulated." 

But permit me to reply, I deem this a mistake. 
All our ideas of marriage and the nature of the 
marriage relations, are the very offspring of the 
society in which we are educated, and correspond 
with the sentiments of those from whom we derive 
our impressions. Every community is under the 
influence of its own customs. The Turk is edu- 
cated in the belief that it is morally right to 
marry one wife, a score, or a hundred. In Persia 



38 quinby's lectures. 

the number of a man's wives is large or small 
according to the length of his purse. He usually 
keeps as many as he can purchase and maintain. 
" Why, this is strange, indeed," says some young 
lady present, " and very odd, that a man should 
purchase his wife." But permit me to remind 
you, my hearer, that whether it is " strange " 
and "odd" depends on where and how we are 
educated. If you had been born and reared in 
some one of the gaudy palaces of Turkey or 
China, and had been taught by your parents, 
priests and friends that justice and propriety 
demanded the purchase of the wife — that a man 
who would not buy a wife was not entitled to one, 
the custom would appear reasonable enough, and 
it would be nothing unnatural if the question 
concerning your own market value were a ques- 
tion of interest with you. In Babylon, there once 
existed a yearly custom that was peculiar. " In 
every district, three men, respectable for their 
virtue, were chosen to conduct all the marriage- 
able girls to the public assembly. Here they 
were put up at auction by the public crier, while 
the magistrate presided over the sales. The most 



RIGHT VIEWS OF MARRIAGE. 39 

beautiful were sold first, and the rich contended 
eagerly for the choice. The most ugly and de- 
formed girl was sold next in succession to the 
handsomest, and assigned to any person who 
would take her for the least sum of money. The 
price given for the beautiful was divided into 
dowries for the homely.' ' My hearers can all 
see what custom will do in molding our thoughts 
and principles. In some eastern countries the 
bride and bridegroom do not see each other till 
the day fixed for the nuptials. This is according 
to the rules of propriety with the people in those 
countries ; but with us the custom would be any- 
thing but agreeable. The aborigines of New 
Holland are exceedingly ignorant and barbarous. 
They live in dens, rocks and caves, and exist on 
fish, roots and kangaroos. The historian says 
their courtship and marriage are brief, consisting 
in knocking down the intended bride and dragging 
her away, bleeding, to the woods. 

Do you not perceive, then, that the ideas of 
propriety concerning marriage, as in other things, 
harmonize with the practices and principles which 
regulate the society in which they prevail ? In 



40 quinby's lectures. 

most Christian countries a better and more rational 
state of things exist than I have described. But 
"why ? All can answer. It is owing to a better 
education, and not to a better nature. It is for this 
better education that I contend. Our nature is 
good enough. We want instruction. The young 
need to be led in the right way. They are willing 
to be led. How many go wrong for the reason 
that erroneous principles are impressed on their 
young minds. In some neighborhoods, nearly 
every young man will hold the institution of mar- 
riage in derision, and trifle with the holiest feelings 
and purest affections of the other sex. They min- 
gle in their society with sunny smiles and flattering 
words, while deceptive thoughts and unholy mo- 
tives occupy their hearts. By solemn protestations 
of sincerity and love, they steal away the affec- 
tions of the confiding. For years will they prac- 
tice this species of villainy, and even boast to each 
other, in a hellish glee, of their success. How 
much disappointment and wretchedness have been 
the bitter fruits ! Now, why does this condition 
of things exist in one neighborhood more than an- 
other? I will answer again: — because of the 



RIGHT VIEWS OF MARRIAGE. 41 

difference of opinions in which different communi- 
ties are educated. Hence, it is true, that instruc- 
tion with the young concerning this subject, is not 
"lost on them." The parent, the teacher, the 
minister, each can and should store the mind with 
proper views, and seek to give it a right bias. I 
desire to lend my aid, feeble though it may be, in 
this work. Let no young man think that he can 
trifle with the marriage institution, and still expect 
honor and prosperity. But let all regard it as a 
thing sacred, yet within the province of all, and 
the marriage state to be desired by all. Let the 
youth of both sexes look forward to it with the 
expectation of entering it at a proper time, and 
with motives of sincerity and honor. And with 
this high resolve in view, let them prepare them- 
selves for this new condition, that happiness and 
prosperity may attend them. Young men should 
not rest if they have no calling or profession, es- 
pecially if they are destitute of procuring means 
of support. Without business or means, how can 
a family be maintained. Idleness will never pur- 
chase bread. The indolent young man should, 
therefore, entertain no thoughts of matrimony ;— 



42 quinby's lectures. 

he is not prepared for such a condition. But if he 
has the soul of a man in him — if he possesses a 
desire for the highest human enjoyment, — if he 
experiences an aspiration to fill the place which 
God designed man to fill on earth, he will turn his 
energies in pursuit of some honorable employment, 
that he may possess himself of the necessary means 
and qualifications to become the head of a family, 
and " rejoice with the wife of his youth.' ' The 
wife of his youth. He can hardly comply with 
this requisition if he spends all his best days in 
a state of celibacy. 

And here comes up a question which I design 
to make the leading theme of this lecture, namely, 
that which involves the propriety and impropriety 
of early marriages — a question of no small mo- 
ment with all classes — especially with the young. 
Much has been said and written on this subject, 
and many opinions prevail respecting it. Some 
parents are violently opposed to early marriages, 
and entertain the idea that if their son or daughter 
should enter the marriage relations before middle 
age, — till a safe investment is secured in business, 
and every provision is made for independent do- 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 43 

mestic comfort, destruction would be certain. So 
think some bachelors. They are "not ready yet; 
not in a situation to take care of a wife and family ; 
are not sufficiently wealthy ; have no cage for the 
bird ; opportunity enough yet :" — and so they 
spend the "spring-time of life ' ' in singleness, ex- 
pecting when summer comes to be " ready ;" but 
often summer passes, and autumn and winter come 
and their expectations end in disappoint- 
ment. 

It is necessary that right views be entertained 
on this subject. I will, therefore, proceed to men- 
tion, first : the sentiments of wise and good men 
concerning it, and then present some of the advan- 
tages and disadvantages of early marriages. 

Now, the time in a person's life when he can 
enter the matrimonial state with propriety, must 
of necessity, depend on circumstances. Some 
minds are more matured at the age of twenty, 
than others at thirty. Then there is a difference 
in the physical developments of individuals, as 
well as in their situation and means of providing 
for a family. Still, we can speak of a general 
rule; and as a general rule, all philanthropists, 



44 quinby's lectures. 

moralists, and philosophers, so far as my reading 
can testify, have advocated early marriages. 

But, asks the hearer, " what are we to understand 
by early marriages ? The Jews," say you, " often 
marry when the parties are but twelve or fourteen 
years of age. In some countries little infants are 
joined in wedlock to secure some family estate ; 
and in our own communities it sometimes happens 
that a lad of fifteen will become wedded to a child 
of thirteen. Are these the connections to which 
the speaker alludes V* No. All such marriages 
are injudicious. Matrimony is a connection which 
must be sanctioned by both the judgment and the 
heart of the parties most interested. Those who 
are incompetent to think and act for themselves, 
or who are compelled to marry against their own 
desires, are bound with " a rope of sand." I 
mean by early marriages what the wise man meant 
when he gave the injunction — " Rejoice with the 
wife of thy youth." Here no particular year is 
defined ; but a stage of life is mentioned — not mid- 
dle age, or old age, but youth — a portion of one's 
existence which connects childhood with stern 
manhood. It is not the child who is fit for the 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 45 

marriage relations ; but when youth is ripening 
into maturity, and the individual is judged both 
by law and the parents, to be capable of thinking 
and deciding for himself on other subjects, he is, 
or should be, capable of deciding upon this. To 
employ the language of another: — "The time 
fixed upon for the man, is twenty-one ; then he 
throws off parental restraint and the fetters of his 
minorship, and becomes his own man, subject to 
his own desires and judgment. The period allot- 
ted for the freedom of the female is eighteen. At 
these respective ages, both are, in the eye of the 
civil and domestic law, competent to manage their 
own concerns, without the interference of an earthly 
guardian. And, if they have been properly edu- 
cated, they can decide on the subject of matri- 
mony at that age, as well as they can upon any 
other subject which may claim their attention. It 
has claimed their thoughts already, and if their 
parents and guardians have not given them some 
instructions with regard to the choice of a com- 
panion for life, they have been strangely remiss in 
their duty. The education of their child is not 
completed, and if he acts injudiciously upon this 



46 aUINBY'S LECTURES. 

point, the parents may, to a very great extent, 
charge the blame to themselves. " 

Those marriages which are consummated with- 
in four years after the parties have passed their 
minority, are early marriages. Good men and 
wise have advocated such connections. 

Solomon was a wise man. From all that we 
can gather from his writings, he advocated early 
marriages — marriage in the spring-time of life — 
or rather he spoke of it as a thing in harmony with 
nature and to be expected. Our text was ad- 
dressed to his own son. "My son, attend unto 
my wisdom and bow thine ear unto my under- 
standing.' ' He gives a reason for this exhortation, 
which I will mention in its proper place ; and he 
assures his son that the instruction which he gave 
he had received from his father. "I was my 
father's son — tender and only beloved in the sight 
of my mother. He taught me, let thine heart 
retain my words : keep my commandments and 
live." 

David, then, had enforced the principles which 
Solomon advocated. We learn this from various 
portions of his writings. In one of his Psalms, 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 47 

he describes the man who loves and fears God — 
who is wise in youth and attends to all the requi- 
sitions of religion ; and he says of him that he 
shall prosper in all things — shall be saved from 
the snares of the adversary — happy in the mar- 
riage relations, beholding his children and chil- 
dren's children, and peace upon Israel. 

In the preceding lecture, I adduced testimony 
of several distinguished persons, who have written 
much on the subject of matrimony, advocating the 
wisdom and claims of the institution. The same 
persons speak in favor of early marriages. 

Dr. Clark says — " Youth is the time for mar- 
riage. I do not mean infancy or a comparative 
childhood, in which several fools join in marriage 
who are scarcely fit to leave the nursery or the 
school. Such couples generally disagree ; they 
can not bear the boyish and girlish petulancies and 
caprices of each other — but those who are suf- 
ficiently old to know what they are about and 
upon whom they are bestowing their affections." 

Dr. Franklin neglected to marry till he was 
somewhat advanced — a circumstance which he 
always regretted. To a young man who requested 



48 quinby's lectures. 

his opinion upon the subject of marrying early, 
he compared the matrimonial life to the working 
day of a housewife, and said, "It is best for 
people to marry when they are young — then they 
will do the work in the forenoon, and have an 
afternoon to themselves ; those who marry late in 
life have the work about all day, and have no 
time to themselves. Therefore, my young friend, 
get married early — do n't delay too long." 

In "Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy" there 
are twelve reasons in support of marriage, of 
which the first six favor early marriages. They 
are as follows : 

" 1. Hast thou means ? Thou hast one to keep 
and increase it. 

"2. Hast none? Thou hast one to help to 
get it. 

"3. Art in prosperity ? Thine happiness is 
doubled. 

"4. Art in adversity? She'll comfort, assist, 
bear a part of thy burden, to make it more 
tolerable. 

" 5. Art at home ? She'll drive away melan- 
choly. 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 49 

" 6. Art abroad ? She looks after thee going 
from home, wishes for thee in thine absence, and 
joyfully welcomes thy return." 

Dr. Alcott, author of the " Young Man's 
Guide" and several other useful works for the 
young — a man of experience and investigation, 
speaks as follows on this subject : " I can truly 
say, indeed, that every thing considered, early 
marriage does appear to me highly desirable ; and 
it would require stronger arguments than any 
which I have yet seen adduced, even by some of 
our political economists, to make me surrender 
this opinion." 

We have not room to multiply quotations. 
These must suffice for our present purpose. We 
will now further consider the subject by noticing 
more at length such of the advantages and dis- 
advantages of early marriage as our limits will 
permit. 

1. Early marriage secures an early, wholesome 
discipline. 

No unmarried person is fully educated. He 
has had no experience in the most useful of all 
schools. He is confined to himself — a mere frag- 



i 



50 quinby's lectures. 

ment — solitary and selfish, and can not feel that 
sympathy for the great world of humanity which 
is experienced by the man who is connected 
" with a family as its head/' When he becomes 
a husband and father he has an interest in com- 
mon with others ; there is a link which binds him 
to his race, and his thoughts and energies are 
employed for the good of society. Sickness in 

I his family — affliction — disappointments — labor to 
support the objects of his affection — all are the 
means of a wholesome discipline. The need 
of schools, the blessings of religion, the insti- 
tution of the Sabbath, the importance of labor- 
ing for the improvement of society, are realized 
by the husband and father, the wife and mother, 
with an interest which is never felt by persons 
in single life. This discipline is necessary to 
usefulness. It may be regarded by some who 
have no experience, as a burden ; but, as Jeremy 
Taylor has it, " the burden is supported by all 
the strength of love and charity, and after all, is 
delightful to be borne." 

A recent distinguished writer says on this sub- 
ject — "No man or woman is, as a general rule, 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 51 

fully prepared for the humblest sphere of action 
on earth without the advantages which are pecu- 
liar to the institution of marriage. Parents — 
teachers — what are they ? Their labors are in- 
deed of infinite value, in themselves considered ; 
but it is only in a state of matrimony — it is only 
where we are called to the discharge of those 
multiplied duties which are involved in the en- 
dearing relations of husband, wife, parent and 
guardian, that our characters are fully tested and 
established.' ' He further says — "For one open- 
hearted, liberal old bachelor, you will find ten 
who are parsimonious, avaricious, cold-hearted, 
and too often destitute of those sympathies for 
their fellow beings which the married life has a 
tendency to elicit and perpetuate." 

2. Matrimonial connections formed early are 
generally the most happy. 

Then the parties act from affection and not from 
calculation. Calculations are liable to fail; but 
sincere affection will endure ; and this is indis- 
pensable to lasting connubial enjoyment. Milton 
says that " love in marriage can not live and sub- 
sist unless it be mutual ; and where love can not 



52 quinby's lectures. 

be, there can be left of wedlock nothing but the 
empty husk of an outside matrimony, as undelight- 
ful and unpleasing to God as any other kind of 
hypocrisy." 

" But happy they, the happiest of their kind, 
Whom gentle stars unite, and in one fate 
Their hearts, their fortunes, and their beings blend. 
* * * What is the world to them — 
Its pomp, its pleasure, and its nonsense all ? 
Who in each other clasp whatever fair 
High fancy forms, and lavish hearts can wish ; 
Something than beauty dearer, should they look 
Or on the mind, or mind-illumined face ; 
Truth, goodness, honor, harmony and love, 
The richest bounty of indulgent Heaven." 

Youthful affection is pure and not selfish — 
willing to sacrifice, labor and suffer for the object 
of its devotions. Hence God makes it a figure to 
illustrate his affection for his people : "As a 
young man marrieth a maiden, so have I loved 
thee." As youth are united in matrimony under 
the influence of a pure, sincere affection — an 
affection which is not engendered by a love of 
gain, high position, or any secular interest, "so 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 53 

have I loved thee," with a true and constant 
affection. 

When men remain in celibacy till youth and all 
its traces have fled, and they have become hard- 
ened and selfish by intercourse with a hardened 
and selfish world, then it is natural that eve?y 
thing should be done by calculation. When they 
think of matrimony, " loss and gain" comes in 
and contends for a voice in the transaction. — 
Houses, lands, mortgages, bank and railroad 
stocks — money at interest, are considered ; and 
never " love in a cottage" — which love, poverty 
and disappointment can never destroy. 

# * # n Love i s indestructible ; 
Its holy flame forever burneth ; 
From Heaven it came, to Heaven returneth." 

But " riches take wings;" and then where is 
the peace, the confidence, the joy which should 
ever form the golden links of a matrimonial union ? 
They are broken. Hearts are sundered — and 
sometimes hard words — criminations and recrimi- 
nations are the fruits. 

Dr. Johnson describes the situation of a bache- 



54 QTJINBY's LECTURES. 

lor who married for selfish ends, in the following 
truthful manner. He calls the man Prudentius — 
represents him in search of a rich wife, and says : 
" Full of these reflections, he threw his eyes 
about him, not in search of beauty or elegance, 
dignity or understanding, but of a woman with 
ten thousand pounds. Such a woman, in a 
wealthy part of the kingdom, it was not very 
difficult to find ; and by artful management with 
her father, whose ambition it was to make his 
daughter a gentlewoman, my friend got her, as 
he boasted to us, in confidence, two days after 
his marriage, for a settlement of seventy-three 
pounds a year less than her fortune might have 
claimed, and less than he would hihiself have 
given, if the fools had been but wise enough to 
delay the bargain. Thus at once delighted in 
the superiority of his parts, and the augmentation 
of his fortune, he carried Furia ( his spouse ) to 
his own house, in which he never afterward enjoyed 
one hour of happiness ! Prudentius ventured to 
insure a ship at a very unreasonable price, but 
happening to lose his money, was so troubled 
with the clamors of his wife, that he never durst 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 55 

try a second experiment. He has now groveled 
seven and forty years under Furia's direction, 
who never once mentioned him, since his bad 
luck, by any other name than that of the insurer" 

3. Early marriage has a direct tendency to pro- 
duce correct, virtuous habits. 

Young men, and I will add, young women are 
sometimes wild, volatile, given to frivolity, and 
possessing an inordinate love for amusement. 
Much of their time is spent in balls, theaters, 
riding and gadding. If they continue for a 
length of time in these practices, they are apt 
to contract habits more deleterious. Marriage 
changes the current of their thoughts — places 
their affections on things more substantial, and, 
in a manner, forces them to act with a different 
impulse, and Tor a different purpose. The bache- 
lor has "nothing particular" to employ his even- 
ing hours and leisure moments. He is ready to 
attend the invitation of a "chum" — a business 
comrade, or a bar-room loafer, to roam around 
town in quest of pleasure. Not so with the 
young man who has taken to himself a "help- 
meet." He now has a home ; if his wife is kind, 



56 quinby's lectures. 

affectionate and lovely, he has a charming home ; 
and he feels that he must forsake his old associ- 
ates — and even father and mother, and cleave 
unto his wife. She will make him happy in his 
home — no matter how humble : 

"Domestic love! not in proud palace halls 

Is often seen thy beauty to abide : 
Thy dwelling is in lowly cottage walls, 

That in the thickets of the woodbine hide." 

Many a young man whose habits were fast 
tending to immorality, has been saved from utter 
ruin by the influence — the kind admonitions — the 
faithful counsel of a loving wife. Every young 
person is aware of the character of this kind of 
influence. He expects to be benefited by entering 
the marriage relations — to become more sedate, 
thoughtful and virtuous. Hence the saying, so 
common : " I must get married and sow my wild 
oats." Till this is done, he has but little char- 
acter — the public do not confide in him — he is 
simply a man about town — having no home that 
is a home ; and in fact, as the wife is the " better 
half, " he is not half a man. Thus do early mar- 
riages have a direct tendency to produce correct, 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 57 

virtuous habits, and afford permanency of char- 
acter to the individual who enters it and con- 
tracts a love for home. " This love, fondly 
and strongly cherished, not only saves from a 
thousand evil habits and vices, but, like the 
diviner's rod, leads to numerous mines of pleas- 
ure which would otherwise have been unknown. 
Let me understand that a man loves his home — 
his family — takes pleasure in the society of his 
wife and children, and prizes all his domestic ties, 
and in the great majority of cases I will warrant 
him to possess the other virtues essential to a good 
man's character : I will warrant him, as a general 
rule, to be honest, temperate, industrious, eco- 
nomical — a lover of his country, of his country's 
government and institutions, and interested in all 
measures that have the public welfare for their 
object. These are the natural fruits and influ- 
ences of domestic love." * I told you when I 
began this lecture, that the injunction " rejoice 
with the wife of thy youth," is both wise and 
salutary. Do you not see the truth of this dec- 
laration ? 



u 



* Austin's Voice to the Married. 



58 quinby's lectures. 

4. Another advantage of early marriage, inti- 
mately connected with the foregoing is, it tends to 
prevent vice and 'profligacy. 

This is seen in the context, where David speaks 
to his own son and warns him of the terrible con- 
sequences of a dissolute life, exhorting him, in the 
language of our text, to contract a love for his 
own home, and " rejoice with the wife of his 
youth." " The lips of a strange woman," one 
that is not thine own, "drop as a honeycomb, 
and her mouth is smoother than oil ; but her end 
is bitter as wormwood — sharp as a two-edged 
sword. Her feet go down to death, her steps 
take hold on hell. Hear me now, therefore, ! 
ye children, and depart not from the words of 
my mouth. Remove thy way far from her, and 
come not nigh the door of her house, lest thou 
give thy honor unto others, and thou mourn at 
the last, when thy flesh and thy body are con- 
sumed." How brief, and yet how full is this 
description of the character, the influence and the 
end of the profligate female and the debauchee. 
What anxiety is manifested on the part of the 
wise man for the purity of the young, and how 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 59 

perfectly natural, and how salutary bis instruc- 
tions ! Marriage tends to prevent profligacy. 
This was exhibited in a preceding lecture. Behold 
the licentiousness of France ! Would such a 
state of things exist in that country if the laws 
of God with regard to the marriage institution 
were properly obeyed ? Who are the profligate 
men of our country — our cities ? Are they such 
as were married when young ? — who have reared 
families, and whose affections have naturally 
clustered around their own fireside ? Married 
men may have been drawn into the vortex of 
destruction, it is true ; but not often. The fre- 
quenters of bar-rooms, gambling saloons and 
brothels, nine out of ten, are unmarried profli- 
gates, or those who were corrupted during a 
protracted celibacy. While, on the other hand, 
by a careful investigation, you will find a large 
majority of the most pure and exemplary men, to 
be those who were married young. 

I have spoken plainly, and the subject demands 
it. God has spoken plainly by the mouth of his 
inspired servants on the same subject. There is 
much profligacy in the world, not because of the 



60 quinby's lectures. 

innate depravity of our nature, but because men 
are not properly instructed. Wrong views and per- 
nicious sentiments prevail. The young are de- 
ceived — deceived by lying, unprincipled men and 
strange women. Unless protected by the shield 
of parental love, and guided by its hand, they are 
not unfrequently drawn into the company of the 
dissolute, and by degrees enticed from the fair 
paths of virtue. By such companions they are led 
into scenes of vice and dissipation ; and by words 
that are smoother than oil, dropping like honey 
from the comb, are made to believe that they are 
in the ways of pleasure, where are to be plucked 
only beautiful flowers and luscious fruit. They pass 
on step by step, till their feet take hold on hell. 
Now they awake from their stupor — all covered 
with the sores of profligacy — and mourn that their 
flesh and their body are consumed ; — saying, "how 
have I been deceived :" or, "how have I hated 
instruction and my heart despised reproof; and 
have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, nor 
inclined mine ear to the wise that instructed me." 
Young men who have not yet entered the mat- 
rimonial state, permit me to say, if you would 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 61 

pass your days in happiness and be respected and 
beloved, listen not to the voice of sinful man, but 
to the teachings of divine wisdom. God has given 
you good counsel. " The law of the Lord is per- 
fect, converting the soul : The testimony of the Lord 
is sure, making wise the simple : The command- 
ment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. ,, 
Hearken to the voice of God, and your soul shall 
live. Cultivate a pure affection for your parents, 
your brothers and sisters, and virtuous friends. 
Think much of home, — let it be sacred in your 
eyes, — and do all in your power to render it a 
place of delights. Entertain just views of mar- 
riage, and bend all your energies to enter its rela- 
tions with honor, as soon as circumstances will 
warrant so important a step. Rest assured that a 
kind, judicious, economical, affectionate compan- 
ion, will assist you in bearing the burdens of life, 
save you from many temptations, restrain you in 
the pursuit of wrong, and make you happy and 
blessed. You will have something for which to 
live and labor ; and while the single man is roam- 
ing abroad in quest of happiness, you will be blest 
with a sacred and quiet retreat, free from the 



62 quinby's lectures. 

snares of the world, " rejoicing with the wife of 
your youth." 

5. One more advantage of early marriages is 
all my limits will permit me to mention, and that 
is : The dispositions of young persons are more 
yielding than those more advanced in years ; and, 
therefore, the parties are less liable to experience 
discord. 

I am aware that some young persons are set and 
willful ; and also that some old persons are pliable 
and yielding : but this is not general. Those who 
defer marriage till noon, usually have their own 
opinions of "matters and things/ ' and are pretty 
stiff and inflexible. Established habits are hard 
to be broken. The sentiments and dignity, as well 
as the customs of these folks, must be properly 
respected. The mind of the husband is fixed to a 
principle ; the mind of the wife is fixed to a prin- 
ciple, also ; but what is unfortunate, one principle 
is a contradiction of the other. What is to be 
done ? The husband puts down his stake, and 
will not yield. The wife follows his example. 
Both are inflexible. There is a quarrel ; and a 
quarrel between such persons is no mincing affair. 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 63 

Angry and determined looks do not pass away in 
a moment, like a scud from the face of the sun. 
They remain ; and sometimes wretchedness and 
disunion are the consequences. 

When young, the parties are readily familiarized 
with each other's sentiments and habits, and yield 
to each other's whims and caprices — not permitting 
a slight difference to oppose a serious barrier to 
their happiness, or even mar their enjoyment. 
In short, their affections, feelings, sympathies, 
thoughts, and ideas, blend by a sort of natural 
impulse or affinity, which is indispensable to true 
tranquillity in the matrimonial relations. Clouds 
will sometimes come, it is true, and tears may fall, 
but like April clouds and rain drops, they will 
glisten in the sunshine and soon disappear, when 
all comes out bright and lovely again. 

But the hearer says there is another view of 
this picture, and thinks it time for the speaker to 
be looking after the disadvantages of early mar- 
riages. We will now briefly examine this other side 
of the subject, presenting a few of the most promi- 
nent objections to the sentiments advanced in this 
lecture. And, — 



64 quinby's lectures. 

1 . The young man who has just acquired his free- 
dom, has nothing with which to begin the world ; if 
he marries he labors under disadvantages. 

But lie should not be married when he "has 
just acquired his freedom," unless he has the 
means for present emergency, or is well-established 
in business. If he is a young man of good prin- 
ciples and habits, and has a good trade or settled 
occupation, he need not wait, however, as some 
do, till the spring and summer of life have fled, 
to prepare for marriage. Some think they must 
be in possession of a " large, elegant house,' ' ele- 
gantly furnished, on an elegant street, and able to 
retain half a dozen servants, before they are " in 
circumstances " to be joined in wedlock. Poor 
fools ! What do a " young couple " want of all this ? 
How large a portion of said house can they really 
occupy ? They should be able to wait on themselves. 
If I were in possession of millions, I would not assist 
my child to begin life in a manner so foolish and 
suicidal. Young people had better commence at 
the bottom of the ladder and go up. If they 
begin at the top they must go down. Rich men's 
children almost always end their days in poverty : 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 65 

they go down. Their fathers began with nothing 
and ascended. The wealthy of this city and our 
country, commenced in small shops and log-houses, 
or a single room. A gentleman farmer of this 
vicinity informed me a short time since, that twenty 
years ago he was not in possession of money to 
the amount of ten dollars. He had a good phys- 
ical constitution, however, a strong hand and 
stout heart, and the worked with a will. He 
married a girl, not for her money, but because he 
loved her and she loved him, and hecause she was 
as poor as himself." There was a natural sympa- 
thy between them, and a mutual desire to advance. 
They lived in peace, have abundantly prospered, 
are blessed with a family of lovely and dutiful 
children, and as pleasant a home as mortal need 
ask. 

Do not let the young, then, wait to get rich 
before they are married. Let them begin in hu- 
mility, and mutually aid each other and sympa- 
thize with each other in the journey of life. This 
will unite their hearts more strongly together. 
Grant Thorburn says. "When Mary and I were 

married we were young, and had nothing to be 
5 



G6 quinby's lectures. 

married with ; but Mary was delicate, and I 
thought I could take care of her best. I knew I 
had a strong arm and brave heart to depend on. 

" We rented a chamber and went to housekeep- 
ing. We got together a little furniture, — a table, 
bedstead, dishes, but our money failed us before 
we bought the chairs. I told Mary she must turn 
up a tub for a seat, for I could not run in debt ; 
no, no ! It was not long before our rich neighbor, 
Mrs. M., found us out, and kindly enough she 
supplied us with half a dozen chairs, which added 
greatly to our store. They were old ones to be 
sure, but answered just as well for us. I shall 
never forget the new face those chairs put upon 
our new quarters. They never looked just right 
before." And what more ? He was prosperous. 
Would not run in debt, and became rich. He 
says : "The tables have turned with Mrs. M. and 
me. Now, she has become a poor widow: but 
she shall never want while I have any thing, never! 
I shall never forget those old chairs." 

2. It costs something to maintain a ivife : hence 
the man who marries young is cramped in his efforts 
for riches and prosperity. 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 67 

But permit me to say in reply to this decla- 
ration : 1. We should not live for the accumu- 
lation of riches alone ; but for virtue, usefulness 
and happiness. 2. That though it costs some- 
thing to maintain a wife, it is quite as expensive 
maintaining the calls of pleasure and extrava- 
gance to which the life of a bachelor is always 
exposed ; and, 3. Whether the man who marries 
young is cramped in his efforts for riches and 
honor by this appendage, depends very much on 
the character of the woman to whom he unites his 
destiny. If she is a poor, fawning, do-nothing, 
extravagant simpleton, fit only to read novels, 
gad, dress, act the lady and have the sulks, then 
farewell to all hope of prosperity and honor. 
The young man is doomed ; and the parents of 
the unfortunate creature he has married, have a 
great sin for which to answer, in the education of 
their child. But if the woman he has taken for 
his wife is sensible, economical, industrious, sym- 
pathizing and affectionate, I have no hesitation in 
saying — for facts will support the assertion — that 
with her assistance and counsel, the young man 
will progress more rapidly in the way of pros- 



68 quenby's lectures. 

perity and honor than he can possibly by remain- 
ing single. Why, some women, by their indi- 
vidual efforts, will maintain self, husband and 
family. It is almost invariably the case that the 
young married man lays up more money than the 
single man. The single man, having nothing to 
directly arouse his energies, or cause him to 
curtail his expenses, is naturally more indolent 
and more extravagant. The married man feels 
that he has a family — that he must put forth all 
his efforts — that he must economize in his cloth- 
ing and style of living. His wife, if such as I 
have described — a "help-meet" indeed — realizes 
their situation, encourages his good endeavors, 
strives with him, and thus, by their mutual en 
deavors, they overcome all difficulties and pass 
easily up the hill of prosperity. An individual 
who at his death had acquired no inconsiderable 
fame as an author, both in England and America, 
left this legacy behind him: "I am sure that 
every one will say, without any hesitation, that a 
fourth part of the labors I have performed, never 
would have been performed, if I had not been a 
married man !" Speaking of his family he 



EARLY MARRIAGE. 69 

remarks: "They sharpened my industry — they 
spurred me on : a very large portion of my nearly 
a hundred volumes may fairly be ascribed to the 
wife and children" 

3. Early marriage prevents one from traveling 
abroad and becoming acquainted with the customs 
and interests of the world. It ties a man to a par- 
ticular spot. 

But this disadvantage is felt but seldom, for 
the reason, that comparatively few have the 
means to travel abroad ; and those who have the 
means, should first marry, that wives may enjoy 
the advantages and experience the pleasures of 
travel as well as husbands. Again, there are 
certain young men, of roving dispositions, who 
gain nothing by visiting foreign countries, but lose 
much. They spend years in travel, and return at 
last with broken-down constitutions, wasted ener- 
gies, evil habits, penniless, and unfit for the duties 
and cares of a family. It is better for such men 
to be " tied to a particular spot." A union with 
some lovely girl, in the beginning of life, would 
prove a greater blessing to them than all other 
thin ^ s. But, — 



70 atllNBY S LECTURES. 

4. The most serious objection of a popular 
kind to early marriage, arises from the difficulty of 
supporting a family. A recent writer * of ac- 
knowledged repute, when speaking on this subject, 
says : " This is certainly a question of great 
importance : for nothing is more painful than to 
see large families, whose parents, whether young 
or more advanced, have not the means of educa- 
ting them properly. It is also not a liitle painful to 
find instances of poverty so extreme that there is 
absolute suffering, for want of food and clothing." 

He then takes up the question of the compara- 
tive ability of the two classes to maintain a family, 
viz : the young in married life and the more 
advanced, and says : " This question must be 
determined by facts. And it would be greatly 
aiding the cause of humanity if extensive com- 
parisons were made between the pecuniary con- 
dition of those who marry young and those who 
defer the subject to a later period. But from my 
own limited observation, I am fully of opinion that 
the result of the comparison would be greatly in 

* Author of "The Young Man's Guide." 



EARLY MARRTAGE. 71 

favor of early marriages. Should this prove to be 
true, the position which I have assumed is, I 
think, established ; for it appears to me that no 
other argument for delay has any claim to our 
notice." 

Thus have I spoken of the importance of right 
views of marriage with the young, and presented 
some of the most prominent advantages and dis- 
advantages of early marriage. I would have my 
hearers carefully consider the subject and act 
wisely, that you may enjoy the inestimable bless- 
ing of domestic peace and love. 



LECTURE III. 

HINTS IN THE CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 



" Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtain- 
eth favor of the Lord. Prov. xvm : 22. 

In my lecture on " Marriage and its Blessings/' 
I told you that an ancient philosopher reckoned 
marriage the third of 'five principal things in one's 
existence. These five things are birth, education, 
marriage, vocation, death. He places marriage 
before profession or vocation, for the reason that 
it involves more items of human happiness or 
misery. A man educates himself, not for a day 
or a year, but for life. So he marries for life ; but 
if his profession or employment is displeasing, he 
can change it. He is not bound, either by custom 
or law, to follow the profession in which he is 
educated, or the business in which he is engaged 
to the end of life's journey. But when he selects 
a companion and leads her to the marriage altar, 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 73 

it is with the express understanding that the union 
thus formed, is one which death alone is to sever. 
The two join hands in wedlock, and by this act 
mutually say to the world — " our hands shall be 
locked " (virtually,) "and our hearts cemented 
during all life's pilgrimage. Our affections and 
interests are not to be separated. Come weal or 
woe — prosperity or adversity — sickness or health — 
living in whatever climate, or under whatever form 
of government, we will walk the journey of our 
existence * hand in hand together.' " 

It is this consideration, together with the inti- 
macy of the marriage relation, and the many 
streams of happiness or misery that flow out from 
it, which renders it so important. It was this con- 
sideration, and a knowledge of these facts, which 
caused me to express so warmly in a previous lec- 
ture, my sentiments with reference to the educa- 
tion of all young persons in right views of marriage 
and the marriage relations, that they might the 
more fully understand the true source of domestic 
happiness, and be the better prepared to act judi- 
ciously in the choice of a companion. 

All depends on this. Let a person enter blind- 



74 quinby's lectures. 

fold into the matrimonial relations, without due 
reflection and the exercise of a proper judgment, 
and the connection may prove one of perpetual 
misfortnne, wrangling and bitterness. 

If a young man is about choosing a profession, 
or entering an employment where he is to remain 
for a series of years ; or if he is soliciting a part- 
ner in business, with whom he is to form a close 
intimacy in all matters of pecuniary interest, and 
to whom he is to intrust those interests, he is per- 
fectly aware of the importance of acting under- 
standing^, and with a proper judgment. If he 
rushes implicitly into trade, having no knowledge 
of its nature or demands, — or if he engages in 
speculations with a stranger, and intrusts his in- 
terests to his keeping, he causes the wise and ex- 
perienced to say, " that young man is injudicious — 
he will be deceived — his patrimony will be squan- 
dered." 

And are the interests of home and family of 
less importance than those of the store and the 
work-shop ? Are the relations of matrimony less 
sacred and intimate, or their results less important, 
that we should not act as understandingly and with 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 75 

as much precaution in the choice of a companion 
for life, as in the choice of a partner in business 
for a few years only ? 

All know but one answer can be given to these 
questions ; and yet, there are thousands who be- 
stow far less thought on the nature of the matri- 
monial relations, than on the relations of business, 
and are more ready to " close an engagement " in 
matrimony, where the happiness of a whole life 
is at stake, than an engagement in business, where 
five hundred or a thousand dollars only are at 
stake. 

The design of this lecture is to offer hints in the 
choice of a companion. I say hints, for the reason 
that no rules can be established which will apply 
with equal justice to the condition and wants of all. 
Our circumstances, education, habits of thought, 
and tastes are so dissimilar, that we should not, 
and indeed could not, all be satisfied with the same 
person as husband or wife. For example, a per- 
son with whom I should be pleased as a partner 
for life, and who would be suited to my tastes and 
sphere, might not interest one of you in the least, nor 
be suited to your tastes and sphere. So with all. 



76 quinby's lectures. 

Those who belong to the families of princes, and 
others high in place, would be governed by ideas 
of propriety in the choice of a husband or wife, 
very foreign from those which would control you 
or me. 

Still, there are considerations which will apply 
with equal force to all, and are, therefore, equally 
important with all. To these I shall confine my- 
self on this occasion. 

The wise man affirms in the words of our text : 
"Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and 
obtaineth favor of the Lord." 

We are to understand by this, that a wife is not 
only a "good thing," but a "favor" from the 
Lord. "Ah," says, or thinks the hearer, "that 
depends very much on whether she is good or bad ! 
There are some women, who, instead of being a 
'good thing,' are good for nothing but to fret 
and scold, run up a bill at a store, and make their 
husbands wretched. Such wives are a curse from 
the Lord." 

But permit me to remind you my hearer, that it 
might not have been thus with these persons when 
they first entered the matrimonial relations. There 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 77 

are but few husbands who count their wives 
"curses" -during the earlier stages of marriage. 
They are then generally esteemed a great blessing, 
and an invaluable "favor." We must not look for 
-perfection even in the nature of woman. Wives 
have many vexatious things to encounter as well 
as husbands. These sometimes sour the temper, 
so that sow,e of those who were pronounced " good " 
when given* in marriage, deteriorate and become 
unpleasant companions. But the question which 
relates to the cause of this condition of things, is 
one in which the husbands of all such wives have 
a deep interest. I just now said " wives have 
many vexatious things to encounter," and hence 
were sometimes soured. Is not the husband, in 
many instances, the cause of vexation ? Has he 
been a good husband, affectionate and constant, 
and always as anxious for the happiness of his 
wife as when he led her to the marriage altar ? 
The husband who has a bad wife would do well to 
ask himself these questions. The world generally 
allows, I think, that " where there are matrimonial 
contentions there are faults on both sides." 

I do not mean by this that there are no wives 



78 quinby's lectures. 

who are evil. A bad wife is not a " good thing ;" 
she is no " favor " to a man. In my inter- 
course with the world, I have seen some women 
whom I regarded a great curse to their husbands, 
making home a hell and life a burden. It is sup- 
posed the wise man designed to have the qualify- 
ing term good understood in our text. I find in a 
work of much merit the following comment on the 
words, "Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good 
thing :" "Marriage with all its troubles and em- 
barrassments is a blessing from God ; and there 
are but few cases where a wife of any sort is not 
better than none, because celibacy is an evil ; for 
God himself hath said, ' it is not good for man to 
be alone.' None of the versions, except the 
Chaldee, are pleased with the naked simplicity of 
the Hebrew text ; hence they all add good. He 
that ' findeth a good wife, findeth a good thing.' " 
But really it is not necessary to understand the 
qualifying term. The text is true if taken in its 
"naked simplicity." A woman who is a ivife. in 
the full sense of the term, is good. Whoso findeth 
a companion who is to him all that is compre- 
hended in this endearing appellation, finds a 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 79 

u good thing/ ' A woman who fills the place 
which a wife should occupy by the side of her 
husband in the journey of his existence, is, 
indeed, a great blessing — an invaluable " favor " 
from God. The poet gave utterance to an odd 
thing, but a true one, in the following lines : 

" When the black-letter'dr list to the gods was presented^ 
( The list of what fate for each mortal intends, ) 

At the long string of ills a kind goddess relented, 
And slipp'd in three blessings — wife, childre?* and 

FRIENDS." 

The poet Campbell, also described the value 
of the true and loving wife when he represented 
the Garden of Eden as a sad, lonely place — desti- 
tute of true happiness till God sent the divine 
" favor " to Adam — a " help-meet." He says: 

" 'Till hymen brought his love-delighted hour, 
There dwelt no joy in Eden's rosy bower. 
In vain the viewless seraph, lingering there 
At starry midnight, charmed the silent air ; 
In vain the wild bird caroled on the steep, 
To hail the sun, slow wheeling from the deep ; 
In vain, to soothe the solitary shade, 
Aerir.l notes in mingling measure played — 
The summer wind that shook the spangled tree, 



80 quinsy's lectures. 

The whispering wave, the murmuring of the bee : 

Still slowly passed the melancholy day, 

And still the stranger wist not where to stray. 

The world was sad — the garden was a wild — 

And man, the hermit, sighed — till woman smiled." 

All my hearers will agree with Solomon — that 
a good wife is a good thing, and a favor from the 
Lord. Such a woman, he says, "is a crown to 
her husband, and will do him good, and not evil, 
all the days of her life." Now, what the wise 
man affirms of the wife I will take the responsi- 
bility to say of the husband. Whoso findeth a 
good husband, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth 
a favor of the Lord. The husband comes from 
God as well as the wife ; and if he is to his wife 
all that is comprehended in the phrase good 
husband, he is an invaluable blessing. Such a 
man is a crown to his wife, and will do her good, 
and not evil, all the days of his life. This is so 
self-evident, though it has not the authority of 
scripture, that I am quite certain a portion of my 
hearers, at least, will have no disposition to dis- 
pute it. 

In my observations on the choice of a com- 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 81 

panion, I shall appropriate this lecture to sugges- 
tions which will apply with equal propriety to 
both sexes. In my next I shall offer hints to 
young men in the selection of a wife, and to young 
ladies in the choice of a husband. 

1. And I would remark, first of all, to both 
sexes, that it is quite probable you all desire to 
obtain such companions as I have described. 
Every young man who contemplates marriage 
wishes to obtain the hand of some person who 
will be to him a good wife ; a kind, pleasant, 
agreeable companion ; one who will watch over 
his interests and his happiness with assiduity, and 
do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. 
So with the other sex. There is no young lady 
present, I dare affirm, who is not desirous of 
obtaining a good husband, if she is desirous of 
having any. Any other view of the subject 
would be unnatural. No young person, of the 
least consideration, would harbor the thought of 
wedding a bad companion ; one who would prove 
a disagreeable, unkind, corrupt, cruel husband or 
wife. Could any one of my young friends who 

are now listening to these remarks, know, assur- 
6 



82 quinby's lectures. 

edly, that when you are pledging your love to the 
person of your choice, you are forming a connec- 
tion which will bring only pain and unhappiness, 
bitter tears and unavailing regrets, no matter how 
strongly you are drawn toward the object of your 
affection, you would shun the pit yawning before 
you as you would the horrors of the fabled 
stygian lake. All know — or should know, that it 
were a thousand times better for a person — young 
man or young woman — -to remain in a state of 
"single blessedness " — an "old bachelor" or 
° old maid," if you please, till the close of life's 
hours, than to enter the marriage relations with 
such a companion. 

I take it for granted, then, that all who seek 
the state of matrimony are desirous of getting 
good husbands or good wives. But how can this 
object of their wishes be obtained ? Here is a 
question in which both sexes are equally inter- 
ested. How can a young man know that he is 
wedding a young lady who will be to him a good 
wife ? Or how can a young woman know that 
she has surrendered her affections to a man who 
will be to her a good husband ? I answer, no one 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 83 

can obtain positive knowledge with reference to 
the results of a connection of this character. 
They are all in the future, which we can not 
penetrate : still we can judge between persons ; 
and in most instances form a pretty correct 
judgment. 

2. But that we may judge correctly we must 
not judge hastily. Hence the second observation 
I would make to both sexes, is : 

Beware of hasty engagements and hasty marriages. 

I do not mean by this that it is necessary you 
should indulge in very protracted courtships ; nor 
defer marriage till you become gray with age. I 
presented my views on this subject in a preceding 
lecture ; and all I have advanced on this occasion 
with reference to precaution and the exercise of a 
proper judgment in things pertaining to the insti- 
tution of matrimony, is based on the fact, that if 
the young are properly educated, they will form 
right views on the subject, and entertain judicious 
sentiments when they are of suitable age to be- 
come the heads of families. They will exercise 
precaution and act wisely. 

When a young man has attained to the age of 



84 QUINBy's LECTURES. 

twenty-one or more years, and is settled in some 
honorable business that yields him the means of 
maintaining a family, he should select a " partner 
for life." This is not only a privilege, but a duty. 
" From the usages of society, ladies can not seek 
out and select companions ; but they must remain 
to be sought. They can reject proposals, but they 
can not make them. They can decline alliance 
with individuals whom they dislike, but they can 
not propose it to those whom they would choose." 
Hence, if the other sex fail to propose, no 
proposition will be made and no marriage con- 
summated. It is the duty of a young man, I 
again affirm, when arrived at a suitable age, to 
select a companion to be the sharer of his joys 
and his sorrows. 

But in making his selection I would not have 
him hasty : neither would I have the young lady 
hasty in receiving the advances of a young man 
and forming an engagement, unless she is inti- 
mately acquainted with his character and dispo- 
sition, and "knows in whom she trusteth." " All 
is not gold that glitters." Many a young man 
and young woman may appear well outwardly; 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 85 

yea, exceedingly beautiful and captivating — espe- 
cially on a slight acquaintance — while inwardly 
they are all rottenness and deception. 

I am aware that with most young persons 
matrimony is a very romantic affair. They dwell 
much in the ideal — but little in the real. And 
then, " love at first sight" has an influence over 
them so attractive and so powerful, that every 
attempt to reason with them is utterly unavailing. 
Their wits are turned. Persons who are wise on 
ill other subjects are sometimes fools on this. 

A young man, for example, beholds a young 
iady, — in the street, — at church, — sitting at the 
window of her dwelling, or in some other position 
favorable to her personal appearance; — " their 
eyes meet," and he is instantly captivated. Never 
before has his heart been so affected. She is 
constantly in his mind — he dreams of her both 
waking and sleeping. She is a being " allied to 
angels" — so he thinks, and only wonders what 
accident could have brought her from the celestial 
world. He would sacrifice any thing — every 
thing — nay, "die for her sake." 

Well, these two persons meet again. They 



86 quinby's lectures. 

now " have an introduction" — at length converse 
and indulge in a more protracted interview. Their 
sentiments, how congenial ! " They must have 
been formed for each other.' ' " Oh ! yes, Heaven 
designed they should meet and walk hand in hand 
through the journey of life." They arrive at this 
conclusion — perhaps very hastily. And now they 
live in the ideal. There is nothing of the real in 
the elements of their thoughts. They know noth- 
ing of the true character and disposition of each 
other. One may be a villain, and the other a 
termagant. Neither do they judge with a sober 
reason concerning the demands of the marriage 
state and what constitutes true conjugal happi- 
ness. In the language of some late writer, who 
seems to understand these things : " They may 
have subsisted chiefly on food gleaned from novels 
and romances, and hence can not think of any 
thing more joyous than to live together in some 
old castle, very far away from railroads, steam- 
boats and postoffices — he picking geraniums for 
the hair of his lady love, and she reading poetry 
to him under the shade of very dark ivy or vines. 
And they would both have a beautiful boudoir in 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 87 

some corner of an old ruin, with a harp in it, 
and books bound in gilt with cupids on the cover, 
and a fairy couch with the curtains hung round 
with carved doves.' ' 

This is the romance of love — the ideal of matri- 
mony. Do not understand me to say that it 
dwells with all young persons. I do not mean 
so. The world is not so void of common sense. 
Such sentiments are probably very intoxicating to 
the imagination of a poetical mind, but they last 
but a brief time amidst the sublunary duties and 
stern realities of married life. A wash-tub and a 
crying child will dissipate the whole in a moment, 
and remind the parties that there is something for 
them to look after and live for, more substantial 
than " rosy clouds/' "ambrosial gales," "rural 
meads " and " shady bowers." 

When young persons — utter strangers — are 
thrown together as I have described — fall in love — 
are hastily engaged and hastily married — how can 
they reasonably expect to know any thing con- 
cerning the real character and disposition of each 
other ? Instead of this, every thing is unfavor- 
able to such knowledge. Their courtship is brief 



88 quinby's lectures. 

and quite all deception. They present only the 
favorable side in each other's presence. They 
listen only to the most captivating tones — to 
" sweet words of undying affection ; " for these 
only are spoken. Every look and every movement 
is artificial. Thus is the real character of each 
hidden from the other — not designedly, perhaps — 
and the parties deceived. 

If their friends interpose, thinking the match 
will prove one of misery instead of happiness, and 
speak the truth plainly, offering wise counsel and 
affectionate admonitions, no heed is given to their 
advice. The lovers have lost their senses. They 
are blind and deaf ; and yet they know they can 
not be deceived. All this on the part of others 
is simply to oppose them. They know their own 
hearts, and they must and will be married : noth- 
ing shall prevent them. If denied this privilege 
they shall pine away and die of grief. Their 
wishes are consummated : they marry — clandes- 
tinely or otherwise — a few weeks or months pass, 
and they begin to understand each other more 
really as the character and disposition of each are 
more fully developed. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 89 

And now, it is possible, their highest anticipa- 
tions may be realized in the marriage relations. 
They may prove all to each other, as husband and 
wife, that their fondest imaginations pictured ; but 
in nearly every instance of marriage under similar 
circumstances, the match proves unfortunate and 
very unhappy. The parties become sensible they 
were deceived — criminations and recriminations 
pass between them — quarrels ensue, and alienation 
and wretchedness are the consequences. 

Now what need of all this haste, when the 
happiness of a whole life hangs on the decision of 
the parties ? Let them, whether young or more 
advanced, take time enough to learn something of 
the character and disposition of each other before 
they become positively engaged. Let them study 
the motives, principles, desires and tastes of each 
other until they are thoroughly satisfied they are 
not deceived, and then ask themselves the ques- 
tion, " will this person be to me a good husband 
or good wife ? " This question should be serious- 
ly and prayerfully considered ; and if doubts hang 
around the heart, it should be a matter of con- 
templation for a long time before a decision is 



90 quinby's lectures. 

made — especially a decision that would endanger 
the happiness of either party. 

3. Another precaution which must be exercised 
by both parties, in the choice of a companion, 
that a correct judgment be formed, is, not to rely 
on ball room and other deceptive appearances. 

I have already hinted at this subject. A pret- 
tily painted " piece of artificial workmanship, " 
elegantly dressed and moving with the grace of a 
sylph in the merry dance, is very fascinating, to be 
sure : the young man, as he gazes upon her and 
listens to her silvery voice, is convinced that his 
heart is not made of stone. But let him be cau- 
tious. When he marries he should connect him- 
self with a wife : this is what he needs — not a 
ball room automaton. 

Could he follow this charming creature to the 
place of her abode, hear her coarse words of com- 
plaint if vexed, and witness her in the morning 
with dishevelled hair, disordered dress, and pale, 
haggard, dissatisfied countenance, the golden hues 
of his thoughts would vanish, the palpitations of 
his heart cease, and every idea of matrimony be 
driven from his head. In years gone by, a friend 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 91 

of mine of poetic temperament, met one of this 
sort of angels at a waltzing party. Her bewitch- 
ing eyes and joyous laugh led him captive. All 
night he dreamed of her, and the next day toward 
noon called at her dwelling. Expecting a female 
visitor at the same hour, and not imagining by 
whom she was honored, the young lady, with un- 
colored cheeks, hair in pins — loose, dirty dress, 
and slip-shod, appeared at the door. If you will 
believe me, this expectant young man, though of 
keen vision, did not recognize "the angel " in the 
person before him. He gave his name, and very 
politely asked if the young lady was at home. 
With many blushes she introduced herself as the 
identical personage. At first he was dum-founded, 
and came near fainting, but gradually recovering 
himself, he blundered out an apology — was "seat- 
ed " a short time — thought of some things and 
talked of others — looked at his watch — remem- 
bered an engagement, and —vanished. 

I would not intimate that all ball room belles 
correspond in character with the foregoing descrip- 
tion, — but I will say, that a ball room is a poor 
place to make choice of a wife. A young lady 



92 CIUINBY'S LECTURES. 

may dance admirably, and still hate domestic 
duties ; she may dress with the most perfect pre- 
cision, and make a dashing appearance in the 
street, or at church, and yet know nothing of the 
practical demands of the housewife ; she may be 
dazzling in her conversation, and captivating in all 
her movements, and still possess a peevish, ill- 
natured disposition. A man marries a wife, not 
for pleasure parties, but for his own home ; and 
he wants a woman who can make home happy. 
Generally, those who produce the greatest excite- 
ment in company by external display, are the least 
useful at home ; and are reckless, extravagant, 
and make the most miserable wives. 

So with the other sex. A dandy, of beautiful 
exterior, perfumed, polite, and graceful, in the gay 
party, in the street, or in church, wins the admira- 
tion of many inexperienced hearts. But let the 
young lady beware. This out-side gear may cover 
a multitude of sins. Never judge from externals, 
but contrive to get at the heart, and see if that is 
right. You can learn nothing of real character 
under the circumstances I have described. You 
must visit the object of your solicitude, as did the 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 93 

friend to whom I just referred, when you are not 
expected. Blunder in on her, or him, at any time, 
and see and hear all you can. Call Saturday in- 
stead of Sunday, on your lady, and witness the 
appearance of things. Cowper, the poet, says in 
a letter to a younger friend : " I am an old fellow, 
but I had once my dancing days as you have now ; 
but I never could find that I could learn half so 
much of a woman's character by dancing with 
her, as by conversing with her at home, when I 
could observe her behavior at the table, at the 
fire-side, and in all the trying circumstances of 
domestic life. We are all good when we are 
pleased ; but she is the good woman who wants 
not the fiddle to sweeten her." 

Never were timer words spoken than these. It 
is the "good wife," the " favor from the Lord," 
that the young man seeks. The true qualities of 
the soul are not exhibited in the gay assemblage. 
Public displays of this sort are artificial. We can 
not get at the heart, and can judge only of what 
we see upon the surface, and this is liable to lead 
us astray. The domestic circle is the place to 
study character and disposition. There, it can be 



94 quinby's lectures. 

seen what a young lady is as a daughter, sister, 
friend, — what the characteristics of her mind and 
the elements of her thoughts. There is the place 
to judge of her abilities as housekeeper and econ- 
omist, — of her disposition, tastes, sentiments, edu- 
cation, and motives. A young lady may sing very 
sw r eetly, but can she make a pudding ? Puddings 
are not so poetic, but quite as palatable with a hun- 
gry man, as songs ; and the young woman who 
can thrum a pianoforte, but not cook a dinner, is 
but poorly educated as a housewife. All these 
questions can be decided by the prudent young 
man, if he follows the example of Cowper, and 
visits the object of his regards at her house. Let 
him do this, and but exercise a sound, discrimi- 
nating judgment, and he need have no fears of 
deception. 

" Take heed that what charmetu is real, nor springeth of 

thine own imagination ; 
And suffer not trifles to win thy love ; for a wife is thine 

unto death." 

4. Another important consideration. In seeking 
a companion, never sport with the affections. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 95 

To deceive in affairs of the heart is wicked. 
" Out of the heart are the issues of life." Co- 
quetry, false professions, and the villainy of men 
in matters of love, have corroded the heart — 
stopped its pulsations of joy — filled it with bitter- 
ness — yea, dried up its fountain of life ! Oh, what 
wretchedness has been the fruit of this kind of 
deception. What unrelenting sorrow, — what sleep- 
less nights, — what days of agonized suffering. 
Do you not know the "Mysterious Lady,"* who, 

*The unfortunate woman to whom reference is here 
made, has occupied herself as above described for nearly 
three years ; ever since, indeed, she arrived in our city 
from the old country. She is about twenty-five years of 
age. Every resident of Cincinnati is familiar with her 
habits, for at all times of day may she be seen in our 
streets. A recent writer for a Boston Journal, thus speaks 
of her : " In her childhood, she might, indeed, have been 
pretty, but few traces of beauty now remain. It would 
not be difficult for one, after seeing her a few times, to 
guess that the sad story might be told in these words : 
* She loved not wisely, but too well.' A friend well ac- 
quainted with her, related to me her simple history. She 
was born in Germany, and was the daughter of a Lutheran 
clergyman. At a suitable age she was betrothed to a young 
man who had been her playmate in childhood, and was her 



96 quinby's lectures. 

with braided hair, embroidered dress, and wed- 
ding ornaments, perambulates our streets with sad 
look and downcast eyes ? She is seeking a mar- 
riage party. For long months, in cold and heat, 
storm and sunshine, every day has she wandered 
up and down the busy thoroughfares of this great 
city in quest of the same object — her lover and the 
bridal altar. Sometimes a smile passes over her 
countenance, and her eyes gleam with joy. It is 

lover in early manhood. Several of her friends determined 
to immigrate to America. This young lady and her lover 
were to accompany them. It was arranged that the young 
man should come first, and as soon as a settlement could 
be effected in his new home, he was to send for her and 
they were to be married. He came to Cincinnati. The 
novelty of the scene, the excitement of our life, filled the 
young German's head with new notions. At length he 
sent for the lady, but ere she arrived, he had loved anew, 
forgot his former plighted vows, married and left. His 
first betrothed arrived, learned the cruel truth, and insan- 
ity followed. She came to a wedding, but has not found 
it. Her fate — is it not the doom of thousands ? The poor 
girl was left in a strange land to work out her own destiny 
as best she might. It was of no consequence to him who 
deserted her, whether she lived and forgot, or died with a 
broken heart." 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 97 

when flashes of happy memories cross her mind, 
and images of by-gone days appear. Then fol- 
lows again the aspect of settled melancholy. What 
is the matter with this singular lady ? All have 
heard her history, and can answer the question. 
Her lover was false. Her heart is crushed. Other 
hearts are crushed — not so sadly ; the mind re- 
tains its throne ; the subjects, like gypsies, are not 
wandering through the streets ; but could the 
thousands of dwellings in this city, from the most 
gorgeous to the most lowly, speak to the world — 
could they reveal what lies hidden in the hearts of 
their inmates, and tell of all their disappointments 
and secret sorrows, in consequence of deception 
in affairs of love, how would commmunity gape 
with astonishment. Not man alone is false, but 
woman also. Both sometimes steal away the 
affections only to test their skill, and boast of their 
success. All this is deceptive — and, on the part 
of my own sex, is, as I before said, wicked. A 
promise of marriage should never be given till the 
parties are sure their hearts will ratify the engage- 
ment. It should then never be broken, unless by 

mutual consent. 

7 



98 aUINBY's LECTURES. 

Sometimes partial promises are made by looks 
as well as words. The honest man will regard 
these. A writer to the young has spoken well on 
this subject. He says : "I have alluded to indi- 
rect promises of marriage, because I conceive that 
the frequent opinion among young men that noth- 
ing is binding but a direct promise, in so many 
words, is not only erroneous, but highly dishonor- 
able to those who hold it. The strongest pledges 
are frequently given without the interchange of 
words. Actions speak louder than words ; and 
there is an attachment sometimes formed, and a 
confidence reposed, which would be, in effect, 
weakened by formalities. The man who would 
break a silent engagement, merely because it is a 
silent one ; especially when he has taken a course 
of conduct which he knew would be likely to 
result in such engagement, and which, perhaps, 
he even designed, is deserving of public contempt : 
he is even a monster, unfit to live in decent soci- 
ety." Much more might be added on this subject, 
but let this suffice. Again I say, in seeking a 
companion, never sport with the affections. Deal 
with candor : so shall you prevent much sorrow 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 99 

and enjoy the approbation of an approving 
conscience. 

5. One more hint, and I will conclude these 
remarks. And this shall be given in the language 
of an author already quoted. I am certain I can 
make no improvement upon what he has said : 
" In selecting a companion for a connection so 
lasting, it should be a leading object to find as great 
a similarity of opinions, habits, tastes and feelings, 
as possible. 

" This is especially important in regard to re- 
ligious sentiments. It is a serious misfortune for a 
young married couple to find themselves differing 
materially on the subject of religion. This is 
more particularly an evil when both are strongly 
attached to their respective opinions, and anxious 
to attend different churches. I have frequently 
known this greatly to imbitter the cup of domes- 
tic enjoyment. Where husband and wife can 
sympathize with each other's sentiments — can 
walk together to the house of God with their 
children — can strengthen and enlighten one an- 
other in regard to the great truths to which they 
there listen — can unite in instructing their family 



100 quinby's lectures. 

in the same doctrines and principles of Chris- 
tianity — it opens one of the highest and sweetest 
sources of domestic happiness. But an absence 
of this unity in religious opinions is liable to lead 
to frequent disputations and contentions, which 
often result in recriminations and hard and bitter 
feelings. There are not wanting instances where 
the most serious difficulties and the greatest un- 
happiness have grown out of these disagreements. 

" Hence it is both proper and needful to ad- 
monish the young, in choosing a wife or a husband, 
to make a concurrence in religious faith one of the 
great essentials requisite to such a union. 

" In case of a different result — when husband 
and wife unfortunately find a wide disparity in 
the leading doctrines of their religion — they 
should seek to make the best of their misfortune, 
and guard against allowing it to prove a bone of 
contention in their midst. They should agree to 
disagree, in forbearance and love. They should 
respect each other's views, and be cautious not to 
say or do that which can cast disparagement on 
their respective sentiments. Neither should one 
demand or expect the other to abandon his or her 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 101 

doctrines without full conviction of their erroneous 
nature. Both should be tolerant and forbearing — 
willing to grant the other the same freedom of 
opinion they claim for themselves." 

* * * For one of the parties to 
"refuse such a concession, and insist that the 
other shall forsake his attached place of wor- 
ship — abandon his sentiments, or remain totally 
silent in relation to them, on pain of having the 
harmony and peace of the family destroyed — 
would be to exhibit a spirit totally ungenerous, 
and in violation of every dictate of the Christian 
religion." * 

All this is true : it is excellent counsel. Those 
seeking a companion should not pass it by as un- 
worthy of their notice. There is great joy to be 
derived from a mutual love of the same religious 
faith. In the sweet words of Mrs. Barbauld : 

" How blest the sacred tie that binds 
In union, sweet, according minds ! 
How swift the heavenly course they run 
Whose hearts, whose faith, whose hopes are one ! 

* " Golden Steps." 



102 quinby's lectures. 

To each the soul of each how dear ! 
What jealous love, what holy fear ! 
How doth the generous flame within 
Refine from earth and cleanse from sin ! 

Their streaming eyes together flow 
For human guilt and mortal woe ; 
Their ardent prayers together rise, 
Like mingling flames in sacrifice, 

Together both they seek the place 
Where God reveals his lovely face. 
How high, how strong their raptures swell, 
There's none but kindred souls can tell." 

In the choice of a companion beware of an in- 
tolerant and bigoted spirit. A young man or 
young woman who will refuse to " prove all 
things and hold fast that which is good" — who is 
so wedded to a particular denomination as to have 
no charity for another — who demands of the 
other party an abandonment of sentiment and of 
sect, and uses every possible exertion to force 
him or her to this result without convincing the 
mind of its error : the person, I repeat, who is 
thus intolerant and bigoted will not make a good 
husband or wife. Beware of such a spirit! — it is 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 103 

not the spirit of Christianity. It is a combination 
of hatred and tyranny, which will manifest itself 
in every relation of domestic life ; and notwith- 
standing the party may possess a great deal of 
affection for you, be assured that that affection 
will be sacrificed upon the altar of tyranny ; 
and when it is too late, you will have cause to 
lament in dust and ashes the choice you have 
made. 

Such are some of the hints we have to throw 
out on the important subject under consideration. 
Let them have weight with you in the selection 
of a companion to walk with you the journey of 
life. There is no journey which will compare 
with this for interest. How important that you 
start fairly. There are many difficulties to be 
encountered, and many pleasures to be enjoyed on 
the way. The husband and wife can sympathize 
with and assist each other. They can, by a 
union of soul, bear each other's burdens and 
share each other's joys. But can this be where 
there is no union — no similarity of opinions, habits, 
tastes and feelings ? 



104 quinby's lectures. 

" Not for the summer's hour alone, 
When skies resplendent shine, 
And youth and pleasure fill the theme, 
Our hearts and hands we join ; 

But for those stern and wintry days 

Of sorrow, pain and fear, 
When Heaven's wise discipline doth make 

Our earthly journey dear." 

We should provide for the last years of our 
pilgrimage as well as for the beginning. Age, in 
its weariness, asks for quietude and peace. Con- 
tention is repugnant to its desires. How beauti- 
ful is conjugal happiness as enjoyed by the warm 
hearts of an aged couple who have always lived 
in the harmony of true affection. In the choice 
of a companion, then, my young friends, consider 
well all these relations. Act wisely, and happi- 
ness, peace and prosperity will attend you, and 
you will have reason for the most sincere gratitude 
toward God for the institution of marriage. 



LECTURE IV. 

HINTS IN THE CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 



"Discretion shall preserve thee." Prov. ii : 11. 

In the selection of a companion, some are over 
discreet. Afraid of being deceived, they never 
make advances, and so live and die in singleness. 
Others take the opposite extreme, and say that 
"discretion should never be exercised; it has 
nothing to do with a true matrimonial union ; the 
heart is the monitor ; that selects and approves ; 
and its doings should always be sanctioned by the 
judgment. ,, There is another class, still, who 
affirm " that it matters not a fig whether the heart 
or judgment is consulted : that selecting a wife or 
husband is like purchasing a ticket in a lottery — 
no one can tell whether he has a prize or blank." 
My own opinion is, that both the affections and 
the judgment should be consulted. Unions formed 
without the approbation of the heart are generally 



106 quinby's lectures. 

productive of but little happiness : and we have 
seen in a preceding lecture how wretched are the 
fruits of matrimony where there is no discretion. 
The assertion that no one can tell whether he is 
getting a prize or blank, is a mistake. If he is 
introduced to a lady whose appearance he ad- 
mires, and for whom he conceives an affection, it 
is unwise in him to solicit her hand in marriage 
until he is convinced that she will be to him a 
prize; for if she prove a blank, his admiration 
and affection are without support — they die within 
him, and nothing is left but the bitterness of dis- 
appointment. So with the other sex. A young 
woman should never give her hand where she 
can not bestow her heart. And she should bestow 
neither hand nor heart if convinced that by this 
act she is uniting her destiny to one who is un- 
worthy of her — a blank. To decide the latter 
question, the judgment must be brought into 
requisition. Discretion must be exercised. The 
heart of the man must be fathomed, its motives 
noted, its principles examined, and his whole 
character must undergo a searching investigation. 
When this course is taken by a young man or 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 107 

young woman in the selection of a companion — 
when the parties act with prudence, discrimination 
and good sense, there is but little danger of de- 
ception — a, prize is almost certain to be drawn. 

Let me, in this lecture, say something that shall 
assist your judgment. You are desirous of ob- 
taining good husbands and good wives. How can 
you form a correct decision ? How may a young 
man or young woman, who will fill with honor 
the place of husband or wife, be known ? These 
are important questions : I will endeavor to an- 
swer them. 

There are certain indications to notice — indica- 
cations in a young woman of a good wife — in a 
young man of a good husband. These indications 
are generally unfailing. I will first mention indi- 
cations of the good wife. What are the indica- 
tions in female character of the good wife ? I 
answer — 

1. She is a dutiful daughter. 

You visit the home of a young woman. If you 
learn that she is uniformly kind and respectful to 
her parents — anxious for their welfare and happi- 
ness, and doing all in her power for their com- 



108 CIUINBY'S LECTURES. 

fort — confide in her : she will be a kind, sympa- 
thizing wife. If there is any trait in the char- 
acter of the youthful female which is really lovely, 
it is this. How interesting the relation between 
a mother and daughter ! And how many bless- 
ings are showered upon the head of a young 
woman from the hand of maternal affection ! 
How beautiful, too, is the connection between a 
wise and good father and a virtuous and sympa- 
thizing daughter ! There is something very ten- 
der—very touching in it. "How have I been 
charmed/' says Addison, " to see one of the most 
beauteous women the age has produced, kneeling 
to put on an old man's slipper." Where this fea- 
ture in female character exists, I say again, let 
your confidence be placed : she will not deceive 
you. But where it does not exist — where the 
young lady is disobedient and sullen — neglecting 
the good counsel and kind admonitions of her pa- 
rents, let the young man beware. If she is not a 
kind daughter she will not be a kind wife. If she 
has no sympathy for the toil and suffering of her 
mother, and will not lend all her energies to assist 
and comfort her ; or if she is ungrateful toward 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 109 

her father, and will give no heed to his desires, 
then I repeat, young man, beware of her : she 
will not be to you a good, sympathizing, faithful 
wife. 

2. Another indication of the good wife, in the 
character of a young woman is, she is a kind and 
affectionate sister. 

Wherever you behold tenderness and love in a 
young lady for her brothers or sisters, or both, — 
when she manifests her affection by endeavoring 
to make them happy — performing a thousand little 
acts of devotedness and love — bearing their trials, 
manifesting a noble and generous spirit, — forgiving 
their faults, and in all things endeavoring to hold 
them all together in a sweet bond of sympathy and 
affection, there you may bestow your affection in 
confidence — it will not be misplaced. 

But if a young lady is not a good sister — if she 
is cross, moping, peevish, deceitful as a sister, 
striving to make all around her wretched — then 
young man, in selecting a companion, beware of 
her. Do not confide in her. She may be all 
smiles to you, and declare her devotion in terms 
of the most ardent affection, but beware ! Her 



110 quinby's lectures. 

affection will cool — the evil day will come — her 
smiles will be changed to frowns, and she will be- 
come as wife just what she was as sister. She will 
do you evil and not good, all the days of her life. 

3. A desire to be useful is another indication of 
the good wife in the character of a youthful 
female. 

It matters not how wealthy her parents may be, 
nor how well she can afford to live in idleness, if 
she has no disposition to accomplish any useful 
thing ; if she takes pleasure in passing her time in 
idleness ; gadding in the streets ; visiting ball 
rooms and theaters ; going of rides ; lounging ; 
reading novels ; lying in bed till nine o'clock in the 
morning ; then, young man, beware of her ! She 
will not do you good all the days of her life, but 
evil. A lazy, uncomfortable drone, she is not fit 
to take proper care of herself, much less to be the 
companion of a good husband, and at the head of 
a family. 

But if you learn, on the contrary, that a young 
lady is industrious, desiring to engage in domes- 
tic duties, or to be concerned in some honorable 
avocation, whereby she can, not only make herself 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. Ill 

useful, but obtain the means of an honest liveli- 
hood, you may rest assured she will prove to you 
an industrious wife, wishing to employ her time 
usefully. 

One writer affirms that "no young man can 
judge whether a girl will make an industrious wife 
or not. He is purblind in his courting days ; and 
how is he to be able to ascertain whether she 
whose smiles and dimples and bewitching lips 
have half bereft him of his senses — how is he to 
be able to judge from any thing he can see, whether 
the beloved of his soul will endeavor to make her- 
self useful as a wife, or be inclined to indulge in 
laziness ? Why, it is very difficult ; for if a man 
has lost his reason, how can he judge ? But there 
are indications which those can see who are not 
blind, and hear who are not deaf, and by which a 
pretty correct judgment can be formed in this 
matter." 

"It was a famous story some years ago," says 
he, " that a young man, who was courting one of 
three sisters, happened to be on a visit to her when 
all the three were present, and when one said to 
the others : ' I wonder where our needle is V Upon 



112 quinby's lectures. 

which he withdrew, as soon as was consistent with 
the rules of politeness, resolving to think no more 
of a girl who possessed a needle only in partner- 
ship, and who, it appeared, was not too well in- 
formed as to the place where even that share was 
deposited. He was not deaf nor blind. 

" This was, to be sure, a very flagrant instance 
of a want of industry ; for if the third part of the 
use of a needle satisfied her, when single, it was 
reasonable to anticipate that marriage would ban- 
ish that useful implement altogether. But such 
instances are seldom suffered to come in contact 
with the eyes and ears of the lover. There are, 
however, as I have already stated, certain rules 
which, if attended to, will serve as pretty sure 
guides. 

"And first," continues this writer, "if you find 
the tongue lazy, you may be nearly certain that 
the hands and feet are not industrious. By lazi- 
ness of the tongue, I do not mean silence ; but I 
mean a slow and soft utterance ; a sort of sighing 
out of the words, instead of speaking them; a 
sort of letting the sounds fall out, as if the party 
were sick at stomach. The pronunciation of a 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 113 

person of activity is generally quick and distinct ; 
the voice, if not strong, is firm at the least. JSTot 
masculine, but as feminine as possible ; not a croak, 
nor a bawl, but a quick, distinct, and sound voice. 

" One writer insists that ' the motion of these 
little members of the body, the teeth, are very 
much in harmony with the operations of the mind ; 
and a very observing gentleman assures me that 
he can judge pretty accurately of the temper, 
and, indeed, of the general character of the child 
by its manner of eating. And I have no doubt 
of the fact. The active person will not eat in a 
lazy manner/ 

" Another mark of industry is a quick step, and 
a somewhat heavy tread, showing that the foot 
comes down with a hearty good will. If the body 
lean a little forward, and the eyes keep steadily in 
the same direction, while the feet are going, so 
much the better, for these discover earnestness to 
arrive at the intended point. I do not like, and I 
never liked, your sauntering, soft-stepping girls, 
who move as if they were perfectly indifferent as 
to the result. And as to the love part of the story, 
w r ho ever expects ardent and lasting affection from 



114 quinby's lectures. 

one of these sauntering girls, will, "when too late, 
find his mistake. The character is much the same 
throughout ; and probably no man ever yet saw a 
sauntering girl, who did not, when .married, make 
an indifferent wife, and a cold-hearted mother : 
cared very little for, either by husband or children ; 
and, of course, having no store of those blessings 
which are the natural resources to apply to in 
sickness and in old age. 

"Early rising is another mark of activity and a 
desire to be useful. In the higher stations of life, 
this may not be important, in a mere pecuniary point 
of view, but it is even there important in other 
respects ; for it is rather difficult to keep love alive 
toward a woman who never sees the dew, never 
beholds the rising sun, and who constantly comes 
from a reeking bed to the breakfast table, and 
there chews without appetite, the choicest morsels 
of human food. A man might, perhaps, endure 
this for a month or two, without being disgusted, 
but not much longer."* 

These are the signs of activity mentioned by 

* Young Man's Guide. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 115 

the writer from whom I have quoted. My own 
observation bears testimony to their general cor- 
rectness. 'No young man with his eyes and ears 
open, need be deceived, and marry a lazy, simper- 
ing, do-nothing, for a smart, active girl, who de- 
sires to make herself useful in whatever position 
she occupies. Do not permit the " blind god " to 
deprive you of the sense of vision. "Discretion 
shall preserve thee. ,, 

4. Another indication of the good wife in the 
youthful female is, habits of economy and frugality. 

This is intimately related to the last-mentioned 
mark of the good wife. Some young ladies think 
and talk only of the fashions, and of the means 
of spending money. They are acquainted with 
the color and set of every new dress in the street 
or church, are constantly admiring the trappings 
of the rich, and desiring to imitate their extrava- 
gance. Such girls are a perpetual drain on the 
pockets of "Pa" and "Ma." A new hat — new 
dress — new mantilla — new brooches, bracelets, 
necklaces; — new silks, satins, laces, and "a thou- 
sand and one " other articles of female wearing 
gear are constantly wanted. This may answer 



116 quinby's lectures. 

for the daughters of the wealthy, but for the wife 
of the poor young man, who is striving with all 
the powers of body and soul to make a living, and 
keep his head above water — ah, she will never do 
for him. Beware young man of such a young 
lady ! Never lead her to the marriage altar, un- 
less you desire to live a life of constant wretched- 
ness — go into bankruptcy semi-annually, and pay 
but five cents on a dollar. 

" To marry a girl of no economy,' ' says the 
writer to whom I have just now referred, " is 
really self-destruction. You never can have either 
property or peace. Earn a horse to ride, she will 
want a gig : earn the gig, she will want a chariot : 
get her that, she will long for a coach and four : 
and from stage to stage, she will torment you to 
the end of her and your days ; for still there will 
be somebody with a finer equipage than you can 
give her : and as long as this is the case, you will 
never have rest. Reason would tell her that she 
could never be at the top ; that she must stop at 
some point short of that ; and that, therefore, all 
the expenses in the rivalship are so much thrown 
away. But reason and brooches and bracelets 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 117 

seldom go in company. The girl who has not the 
sense to perceive that her person is disfigured and 
not beautified by parcels of brass and tin, or even 
gold and silver, as well as to regret if she dare not 
oppose the tyranny of absurd fashions, is not enti- 
tled to a full measure of the confidence of any 
individual. ,, 

The economical, frugal young woman, will man- 
ifest a disposition to make the most of her means, 
to abstain from all unnecessary expenditure, and 
lend her assistance in husbanding the earnings of 
those with whom she stands related, and on whom 
she depends for support. Such a young lady will 
sympathize with her husband, and aid him in his 
efforts to obtain a competency. She will do him 
good and not evil, all the days of her life. 

5. Another 7iint, which it would be well for the 
young man to notice in the selection of a wife, is, 
be careful that she is familiar ivith domestic duties. 

What do you want of a wife who knows nothing 
of housekeeping ? A young lady who has no rel- 
ish for housekeeping, who has given no attention 
to the duties of a wife, and used no endeavors to 
qualify herself to fill with honor this important 



118 quinby's lectures. 

station, is not worthy of a husband ; and no mat- 
ter how refined and genteel her education in other 
respects, she is not prepared to take charge of a 
family. Every kind and judicious mother is so 
thoroughly convinced of this important truth, that 
she begins while her daughters are yet young, to 
instruct them in the art of housewifery. Nothing 
would grieve her more, yea, nothing would cause 
her cheek to mantle with the blush of shame more 
readily, than the thought that she had married 
her daughter to a man every way qualified to 
make a good husband, but who learned, when it 
was too late, that his wife was utterly deficient in 
all the practical duties which belong to the house- 
wife. Housekeeping is an indispensable part of a 
young woman's education. She may be a good 
wife, and yet know nothing of French or the piano ; 
but she can not properly fill the place of a wife, 
if she is destitute of domestic knowledge. Some 
trust to whatever instruction they may obtain after 
they become wives ; but this is unwise. The 
young lady who seeks an interest in this part of 
an education — who has a relish for it, and turns 
her attention to a proper preparation for the event 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 119 

of marriage, by becoming expert with her needle, 
in the art of cooking, neat in all the affairs of the 
house, and by providing herself, as the good wife 
did in Solomon's time, " with fine linen and cover- 
ings of tapestry " — this young lady exhibits an 
important indication of the good wife. Any young 
man " may safely trust in her. She will do him 
good and not evil, all the days of her life/' 

An article appeared in one of our periodicals * 
some months since, written by an American lady, 
and addressed to " Country Girls/ 9 the daughters 
of farmers and other laborers who learn to be 
frugal, industrious and useful when young, and 
who, therefore, make much better wives than many 
who are educated in the fashionable follies of city 
life. The design of the writer was to contrast 
the condition of the country girls, their advan- 
tages, prospects and means of happiness, with 
certain classes in the city, and thus present this 
large and respectable class of her country women 
with a reason for contentment in what they termed 
"their hard and lonely lot" in the country. She 

* Pittsburg Saturday Visitor. 



120 quinby's lectures. 

describes certain youthful females in whom there 
are no indications of the good wife so truthfully, 
and, withal, talks so sensibly, that I am inclined to 
quote her words. You will perceive she uses 
"great plainness of speech," taking the shortest 
cut to a point ; in a word, telling her story in her 
own way. Let me specially invite your attention 
to her instructions. 

" There are hundreds of girls in every city," 
she says, " who parade the streets in feathers, 
silks and laces — whose hands are soft and white 
as uselessness can make them, and whose mothers 
keep boarders to make a living for their idle 
daughters. These mothers will cook, sweep, wait 
on tables, carry loads of marketing, do the most 
menial drudgery, toil early and late, with very 
little more clothing than would be allowed a 
southern slave, while their hopeful daughters 
spend their mornings lounging in bed, reading 
silly books, taking lessons in music and French, 
fixing finery and the like. The evenings are 
devoted to dressing, displaying their charms and 
accomplishments to the best advantage, for the 
wonderment and admiration of knights of the 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 121 

yardstick and young aspirants for the professional 
honors. 

" After awhile the piano-sounding simpleton 
captivates a tape-measuring, law-expounding or 
pill-making simpleton. The two ninnies spend 
every cent that can be raised by hook or by 
crook — get all that can be got on credit in broad- 
cloth, satin, flowers, lace, carriage, attendants, 
&c, &c. — hang their empty pockets on some 
body's pillow, and commence their empty life with 
no other prospect than living at somebody's ex- 
pense, and with no higher purpose than living 
genteelly and spiting their neighbors. 

" This is a synopsis of the lives of thousands of 
street and ball room belles, and of many too, per- 
haps, whose shining costume you have envied 
from a passing glance. There are many wealthy 
persons who spend their time in the giddy walks 
of pleasure who are really genteel ; and there are 
thousands, also, who dress elegantly on the street, 
in imitation of the wealthy, who at the same time 
have not a sufficiency of wholesome food, a com- 
fortable bed, or fire enough to warm their rooms. 

" I once boarded in a genteel boarding house 



122 quinby's lectures. 

in Louisville, " she continues — "there were two 
young ladies and a piano in the house, and the 
halls and parlors were handsomely furnished. 
The eldest of the daughters, the belle, wore a sum- 
mer bonnet at ten dollars, a silk and blonde con- 
cern, that could not last more than three months ; 
also silk and satin dresses, at two, three and four 
dollars per yard and five dollars for making ; and 
yet this entire family, women, boys and babies, 
nine in all, slept in one room, with two dirty bags 
of pine shavings, two straw bolsters, and three 
dirty quilts, with no slips or sheets ; while there 
on the wall of the same room hung the pea-green 
and white satin, the rich silk and lawn dresses. 
These ladies did no work, but played the piano, 
accordion and cards, and nearly broke their hearts, 
the week before I went there, because another 
girl, who, I presume, lived just as they did, called 
on them with a great clumsy gold chain on her 
neck. Neither of these girls had one ; and Miss 
Labalinda, the belle, could eat no supper, and 
had a bad fit of the sulks to console her in her 
grief for the chain.' ' 

This quotation is long, but so truthful is it in 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 123 

its description, that having began, I could not 
sooner leave off. Now, young ladies educated 
thus in idleness and folly, can not possibly make 
good wives. Beware young man how you make 
advances where they are concerned. No matter 
how beautiful they may appear outwardly, in the 
street, or social party or ball room — with how 
much grace they may dance — with how much 
ease they may converse, or with how much 
sweetness they may sing and play ; if you marry 
such an one she will be as a mill-stone round 
your neck and sink you in an ocean of wretched- 
ness. This will be the certain result ; unless, 
indeed, you happen to be as great a fool as she ; 
in which case you may consider all her errors but 
manifestations of the highest perfection. 

The writer of the foregoing extract congratu- 
lates the country girls on the circumstance that 
they live in a land where it is a credit to have 
something useful to do. "I have described life 
in the city," she says, " with many of our simple- 
minded would-be-fashionable ladies. Many of 
them are very miserable, as they are very, very 
ignorant. I was just thinking how busy and 



124 quinby's lectures. 

happy you country girls are apt to be in the Fall ; 
and this led me to say what I have, that you may 
be the more contented with your lot, and the 
more grateful to God that you live in a country 
where it is a credit to work. It is a great bless- 
ing to have something useful to do, and to form 
habits of industry. So do not get weary or think 
your lot a hard one when weaving and spinning, 
making butter and cheese, putting up pickles and 
preserves, or plying your needles, for idleness is 
the parent of misery, while industry is the foun- 
tain of the truest respect and honor/ 9 

And she might have added: "being thus em- 
ployed, you are laying the foundation for useful- 
ness, preparing yourselves to become good wives, 
housekeepers and mothers." Ah ! how much 
better are many of the country girls educated 
than a majority in the city, upon whom thousands 
have been expended. I say better educated — 
not in genteel accomplishments, but in every thing 
truly useful and permanent. 

Another writer who has thought much on this 
subject, asks : " Where ore our sons to obtain 
good wives?" and answers: " Dress a large rag 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 125 

baby in fashionable attire — paint its cheeks — put 
rings on its fingers and place it in some of our 
fashionable dwellings, and it will be of as much 
service as some of the living daughters. Indeed, 
we should not be surprised to see some of the 
young fops and simpletons courting it. 

" But if one is really in earnest looking for a 
wife, let him go into the tailor, milliner or man- 
tuamaker's shop, or country kitchen ; or, indeed, 
wherever industry is alive, and fresh cheeks, 
healthful forms, buoyant spirits and cheerful hearts 
are found. The best wives in creation come from 
the workshop and the kitchen altar. They are the 
children of good mothers, and know their duty 
and their interest. One would do better to take 
one of these than to be enriched by the possession 
of a gold mine. You never find a man in straight- 
ened circumstances — even with a dozen children 
on his hands — who has a judicious, industrious 
companion. But let a man be rich as Cresus and 
be obliged to support a wife and one or two dry 
goods stores, and he will come to want. Had 
scores, we could name, who are now in needy 
circumstances, been wise in the selection of wives, 



126 quinby's lectures. 

they would now be in good condition and not 
walk the streets as if ' hen-pecked ' to the very- 
confines of mortal existence.'' * 

6. My limits will permit me to mention but one 
other indication of the good wife in a youthful 
female ; and that is, personal neatness. 

Neatness is a very important and very agreeable 
qualification in a wife, as every husband is ready 
to admit. What man of the least refinement can 
entertain a warm affection for a slattern. When 
young he may be deceived by appearances. A 
girl may not have the element of neatness, and 
yet in her dress for occasions of courtship and 
other interviews with her lover, she may appear 
tidy, and thus win his esteem. He must exercise 
prudence and not suffer himself to be blinded. 
Discretion shall jjreserve him. Never permit a 
pretty face to overpower your reason. If it be- 
longs to a young lady who your better judgment 
tells you will neglect neatness, either in her person 
or in her house, beware. A sluttish wife and 
domestic happiness are seldom found in the same 

* Portland Tribune. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 127 

dwelling. Above all, never marry a girl who 
looks upon snuff-taking with the least allowance. 
" Beauty is invaluable ; it is one of the ties and a 
strong one too ; but it can not last to old age ; 
whereas the charm of cleanliness never ends but 
with life itself. It has been said that the sweetest 
flowers, when they really become putrid, are the 
most offensive. So the most beautiful woman, if 
found with an uncleansed skin, is, in my estima- 
tion, the most disagreeable." Young man, be 
discreet. Call at the house of your lady when you 
are not expected. 

I have now enumerated some of the leading 
indications of character in a young lady who will 
make a good wife. She is a dutiful daughter — 
an affectionate sister — constant friend — gentle 
in disposition — possesses a desire to be useful, 
to cultivate habits of industry, frugality and 
neatness — has a love for domestic quietude 
rather than desire for fashionable life ; and is 
faithful and affectionate, noble and generous in 
spirit. 

These characteristics, as I said when I began, 
are generally unfailing. The young man, in his 



128 aUINBY's LECTURES. 

intercourse with the other sex, if not deaf and 
blind, can notice them and govern himself ac- 
cordingly. Where they do not exist, let him 
beware, though the object on whom he would 
bestow his affections be as beautiful as an angel. 
But where they do exist , there let his love and his 
confidence abide. And if the young lady adds 
to these a true affection for religion — for the 
worship of God — an interest in Sabbath school 
instruction — a good education — refinement and 
purity in taste and manners — so much the better. 
Such a woman will do her husband good and not 
evil all the days of her life. Although she may 
be plain in person, she is beautiful in spirit, and 
will be true and faithful, gentle and kind, making 
home a paradise, and ready to endure all things 
for her husband's sake. What can he ask more t 
Do you say riches ? Some marry for riches 
and never get them ; but obtain the hand of a mis- 
erable companion. Who would not prefer a bare 
competency with happiness, rather than millions 
with contention ? Solomon said : " Better is a 
dinner of herbs, where love is, than a stalled ox 
and hatred therewith" 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 129 

Home is the place we live in ; and that it be 
happy there must be love. For the husband and 
wife to enjoy the sweets of domestic intercourse, 
there must be sincere affection existing between 
them ; not between one of the parties and the 
possessions of the other, but between the hearts 
of the persons themselves : an affection, I will 
add, based not so much on outward beauty of 
person as inward beauty of the soul. Beauty 
of person is always captivating, but it is unwise 
to permit it to run riot with our better judgment. 
If a person with a lovely form and face is in 
possession of a deceitful, malicious mind, beware 
of that person for husband or wife. The beauty 
of outward form and features is soon lost in the 
inward ugliness of the disposition : whereas, if 
the spirit is beautiful, but the person plain, the 
outward plainness is soon lost in the loveliness of 
the soul. The former captivates at first sight ; — 
the latter only on a long and familiar acquaintance. 

" Affect not to despise beauty ; no one is freed from its 

dominion : 
But regard it not a pearl of price ; it is fleeting as the 

bow in the clouds. 
9 



130 quinby's lectures. 

If the character within be gentle, it often hath its index 

in the countenance. 
The soft smile of a loving face is better than splendor that 

fadeth quickly." 
* * * * * * * 

" Mark the converse of one thou lovest, that it be simple 

and sincere ; 
For an artful or false woman shall set thy pillow with 

thorns. 
Hath she learning ? It is good, so that modesty go with it. 
Hath she wisdom ? It is precious ; but beware that thou 

exceed ; 
For woman must be subject ; and the true mastery is of 

the mind. 
Be joined to thine equal in rank, or the foot of pride will 

kick at thee ; 
And look not only for riches, lest thou be mated with 

misery. 
Marry not without means ; for so shouldst thou tempt 

Providence ; 
But wait not for more than enough ; for marriage is the 

duty of most men." * 

2. But let us now ask : What are the indica- 
tions in a young man of a good husband ? 

I answer, some of the most important are pre- 

* Proverbial Philosophy. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 131 

cisely those which I have enumerated as belong- 
ing to the other sex. The young man who will 
make a good husband is a respectful, dutiful son, 
a kind and affectionate brother, a constant friend — 
possesses a desire to be useful — to cultivate habits 
of industry, frugality and neatness — has a love 
for domestic quietude rather than desire for fash- 
ionable life, and is faithful and affectionate, noble 
and generous. 

Now a young man who spurns the counsel of 
a kind father or mother — who is a cross-grained, 
petulant brother — striving to sow discord rather 
than produce harmony in the domestic circle, will 
not be to any young lady a good husband. Be- 
ware of him : he will do you evil, and not good, 
all the days of his life. 

But if he is a kind son — a tender and affection- 
ate brother, always endeavoring to make himself 
useful and beloved in the home circle, by lessening 
the burdens of those around him, through sympa- 
thy, generosity, kindness, and constancy in affec- 
tion — any young lady may safely trust in him. 
He will be to her a good husband — will watch 
over her happiness with care and assiduity, and will 



132 quinby's lectures. 

employ all his energies to make the home circle 
peaceful and blessed. A good disposition is an 
excellent qualification in the character of husband 
or wife. Sometimes it occurs that in seasons of 
courtship the parties disagree ; even quarrels and 
hard words ensue ; then follow estrangement and 
separation for a season. By and by the young 
man, or lady, or both, repent — think better of the 
difficulty — meet, shed a few tears of contrition or 
joy, and appear, for a time, more strongly attached 
to each other than ever. In a few weeks another 
quarrel takes place, and the same scenes are 
enacted. Some of my hearers may have been 
conversant with similar incidents. But have you 
inquired for the cause of this estrangement ? It 
is almost invariably a bad disposition or evil 
motives with one or both of the parties. There 
is no harmony in their thoughts, while their wills 
are in opposite extremes. Unless they meet with 
a "radical change," it would be well for them to 
resolve on a speedy and final dissolution of all 
matrimonial engagements. If such wed, they 
find " old Adam " a difficult character to conquer, 
and pass a life of perpetual broils. 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 133 

" Happy the youth that finds a bride 
Whose heart is to his own allied — 
The sweetest joy of life. 
But Oh ! the crowds of wretched souls, 
Fetter'd to minds of difFrent molds, 

And chained V eternal strife." 

There are other indications of the good husband 
which I must briefly mention ; and, 

1. Integrity, or honesty, is an indispensable 
qualification in the character of the good husband, 

I will tell you how you may know a man of 
honesty. 

1. An honest man is truthful. He will not 
attempt to deceive. Beware, young woman, of a 
man who utters falsehoods and words of decep- 
tion. His company is no honor, though he may 
possess houses and lands and great wealth : the 
sooner you are rid of him the better. 2. An 
honest man is particularly regardful of his prom- 
ises. Beware of young men who make promises, 
especially to your sex, only to break them. 
Though " clothed in purple and decorated with 
gold and jewels," they are villains. 3. An honest 
young man will pay his debts. No person is 



134 quinby's lectures. 

running after him every few days with a bill 
which he has faithfully promised on forty-nine 
successive occasions to "pay to-morrow" 

You meet with a genteel appearing young man, 
either in the ball room, at a pleasure party, or on 
some similar occasion. His clothes are cut in the 
hight of fashion. No man wears a better coat — 
a more superb vest, a finer neckcloth, or more ele- 
gant watch. He is " a dandy of the first water " — 
showers the politest attention on you, and outwardly 
is the very beau ideal of a ladies' man. Other young 
ladies may envy you the marked attention which 
" the charming gentleman " is bestowing upon you. 

But let us inquire : Does this fashionable ap- 
parel really belong to him, or to his creditors ? 
Does he pay his tailor's bills ? Is he not indebted 
for carriage-hire and board? Does he pay his 
washerwoman ? Beware of the young man who 
strives to ape the gentleman, but neglects to pay 
for the decorations which are necessary to his 
purpose. If I were in the place of either of my 
fair hearers, with my present knowledge of human 
nature, I would never marry a genteel man, who 
neglected to pay his tailor and his washerwoman ; 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 135 

especially the latter ; and there are some who are 
guilty of this meanness. A young man who neg- 
lects to pay promptly the bill of a poor woman 
who drudges early and late to cleanse his clothes, 
is, in the first place, a most ungrateful wretch, as 
she affords him all the respectability which he pos- 
sesses ; and, second, he is a low, unprincipled, mean 
hypocrite, possessing the elements of a great rascal ; 
and no matter how polite and agreeable he may 
be in person, how smooth and flattering his speech, 
or how many giddy fools may be courting his smiles, 
he is not worthy to be the husband of any woman ; 
and I would a thousand times prefer a hod carrier, 
if an honest man, than to be tied to a thing, who 
thus possesses only the body, without the soul of a 
man. 

Be careful, then, young ladies, how you engage 
yourselves to persons who are not inclined to pay 
their honest debts. They are not men of integrity. 
They will always be in trouble, for the reason that 
they will always be in debt. You can not pass your 
days happily with a man of this description. He 
will do you evil and not good, all the days of his 
life. 



136 quinby's lectures. 

But a man of integrity you may trust. He will 
be true. His promise is sacred. He descends to 
no meanness. He maintains himself, pays his 
debts, and is honored and respected among his 
fellow-men, though he labors hard every day, and 
wears plain, homespun clothes. I would recom- 
mend this man for a husband. He may not ape the 
follies of fashionable life — his hands may not be 
as soft and white, nor his outward appearance as 
graceful as that of the dandy, but he has a heart, 
which is the main thing ; and will be a kind, affec- 
tionate, provident husband ; and while the vain, 
unprincipled coxcomb is sinking in disgrace and 
poverty, the honest, sensible man will be rising to 
honor, respectability and wealth. 

Some young ladies entertain a very strong an- 
tipathy to mechanics and laboring men generally. 
" They will never marry a laboring man, not they J" 
Let me relate a true incident. 

A man commenced visiting a young woman and 
appeared to be well pleased. One evening he 
called quite late, which led the girl to inquire 
where he had been. 

11 1 have been to work to-night." 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 137 

" Do you work for a living," inquired the aston- 
ished girl. 

" Certainly/' replied the young man, "lama 
mechanic. " 

"My brother does'nt work, and I dislike the 
name of a mechanic," and she turned up her 
pretty little nose. 

That was the last time he visited the young 
woman. He is now a wealthy and honored man, 
and has one of the best of women for a wife. The 
young lady who disliked the name of mechanic, 
is now the wife of a miserable fool- — a regular 
vagrant about grog-shops— and she, poor, wretched 
woman, obliged to take in washing to support 
herself and children. So that the wives of shoe- 
makers, carpenters, and other mechanics, the very 
class at whom she manifested feelings of disgust, 
contribute to her support. 

The greatest of men have been trained up to 
work with their hands. Aikenside, Marshal Ney, 
Roger Sherman, Sir William Herschel, Benjamin 
Franklin, Ferguson, Wm. Blackstone, were all 
educated in some trade ; all mechanics, or sons of 
mechanics. Only the weak-headed, silly portion 



138 

of society, think it a disgrace to be connected with 
labor. You who dislike the name of mechanic, 
and who boast that your brothers are able to live 
and do nothing but loaf and dress, beware how 
you treat young men who work for a living. 
Thirty years ago, a pert young lady in Massachu- 
setts, refused to dance with a certain young man, 
because his father was a blacksmith. That young 
man became the Hon. George N. Briggs, and has 
since filled the high office of Governor of Massa- 
chusetts for several years with most distinguished 
ability. Far better discard the would-be-gentleman, 
with all his rings, jewelry, and brazen pomposity, 
though he has a rich father, and take to your affec- 
tions the callous-handed, warm-hearted, intelligent 
and industrious mechanic. Thousands have bitterly 
regretted their folly, who have turned their backs 
on honest industry. A few years of bitter expe- 
rience have taught them a severe lesson. 

Two men making love to the daughter of The- 
mistocles, he preferred the industrious, virtuous 
man, before the rich one, saying: "He would 
rather have a man without riches, than riches 
without a man." 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 139 

In this country, no man or woman should be 
respected, who will not work bodily or mentally, 
and who curls the lips with scorn when introduced 
to hard-working men. 

2. Indeed, I will add in this place, that for a 
young man to be a good husband, it is indispens- 
able that he possess a desire to be permanently 
engaged in some honorable calling. 

I am aware that young men are sometimes un- 
fortunately thrown out of employment, and are 
idle from this cause. It is not to this class that I 
allude. No young woman should think of marry- 
ing a man who has no trade, no profession, nor 
occupation, and no means by which he can main- 
tain a family. In the language of a late writer 
on this subject, a " do-nothing" young man, will 
assuredly make a "good for nothing husband.'* 
You can expect no happiness while walking the 
path of life in company with such a man. Unless 
you have the means of support, you must labor 
to maintain him, as well as yourself and children, 
and experience a constant anxiety for the welfare 
of your family. 

3. I will mention one other indication of the good 



140 quinby's lectures. 

husband in the young man. He will manifest a 
love for virtue, morality and religion. Truth and 
honor will be sacred in his heart, and he will be care- 
ful to contract no habits but those which go to make 
up a character corresponding with these principles. 

The young man who indulges in immoral prac- 
tices- — who is habitually profane — openly vulgar — 
a constant Sabbath breaker ; or who contracts 
habits of dissipation, will not make a good 
husband. 

The habitual use of intoxicating liquors as a 
beverage, is not an indication of the character of a 
good husband. If I had a daughter of age to 
marry she should not have my consent to wed a 
drinking young man. No, never. I should be 
very emphatic — very tenacious on this point. If 
he would not leave his cups for her sake before 
marriage, I know he would not do it when her 
affections and her hand were his own. Habitual 
drinking almost invariably leads to drunkenness ; 
and what happiness can any woman expect who 
is the wife of a drunkard? The wife of a 
drunkard ! What a world of wretchedness do 
these five words bring up before the imagination ! 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 141 

" Mark her dimmed eye — her furrowed brow 
The gray that streaks her dark hair now — 
Her toil-worn frame — her trembling limb ; 
And trace the ruin back to him, 
Whose plighted faith in early youth, 
Promised eternal love and truth ; 
But who, forsworn, hath yielded up 
His promise to the deadly cup ; 
And led her down, from love and light — 
From all that made her pathway bright ; 
And chained her there, 'mid want and strife, 
That lowly thing — a drunkard's wife ! 
And stamped on childhood's brow, so mild, 
That withering blight — a drunkard's child." 

Alas ! what thousands of young women, beau- 
tiful in person and in all that can adorn the 
mind, have thrown themselves away and rendered 
their existence wretched by wedding young men 
who had every prospect of success and honor, 
but havinor contracted a love for strong drink, 
were swallowed up in the vortex of intemperance. 
Let me beseech of you, young women, then, to 
beware of drinking young men. Tell them, if 
they make propositions of marriage, that you had 
rather be excused — that you dislike to inhale the 



142 quinsy's lectures. 

breath of even wine or ale ; but that if they will 
refrain from intoxicating drink and remain true to 
the temperance principles on a probation of two 
years — more or less, according to your own judg- 
ment — you will then give the case a more favor- 
able consideration : provided, always, that in the 
mean time you do not see an opportunity of making 
a more favorable engagement. 

I admire the spirit of some excellent young 
ladies in one of the rural towns of Maine, my 
native State, who have recently formed themselves 
into a society for mutual improvement and protec- 
tion, and resolved not only to use every energy in 
behalf of temperance, but that they will not keep 
company with a drinking man or gambler. A 
wealthy sprig of aristocracy, noted both for his 
vanity and wine-drinking propensity, on hearing 
of this determination, boasted that he could walk 
home with any one of the members from church. 
He accordingly, after service was over the next 
Sabbath, with much pomposity and confidence, 
spruced up to a young lady who was known to be 
decided in her views and determined in her prin- 
ciples, and with a polite bow tendered her his 



CHOICE OF A COMPANION. 143 

arm. She, as by instinct, drew back as from a 
serpent, and exclaimed : " JS r o, sir ! I am resolved 
never to put my arm through another jug-handle 
as long as I live ! " 

These young ladies have acted wisely : let all 
young ladies make the same resolutions. Why 
should they jeopardize their happiness for life by 
marrying an habitual drinker ? Or why should 
they countenance this sin in a young man by 
keeping his company ? He who will visit bar 
rooms and tippling saloons, and engage in drinking 
sprees in this age of light and progression, is utterly 
unworthy the friendship or confidence of a young 
lady. Never, never trust your happiness in the 
keeping of such a man. 

Such are some of the most prominent marks of 
the good wife and the good husband. Be discreet, 
my young friends, in your selections. " Discretion 
shall preserve thee." Be not led by avarice, de- 
ceived by fancy, nor influenced by passion. Act 
judiciously — as the heart, directed by the judg- 
ment, would dictate ; and may the blessing of 
God rest upon you. 



LECTURE V. 

MUTUAL DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 



" Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; 
and likewise also the wife unto the husband." 1 Cor. vii: 3. 

My remarks in this and the following lecture 
are designed for the young in married life ; still 
we hope they will prove not altogether uninter- 
esting and unprofitable to older persons occupying 
the same position. As for those who have not 
yet entered the marriage relations, you may have 
the privilege of anticipating a few weeks or 
months, and so listen to what we have to offer 
as if you had just been joined to the person of 
your choice, and were commencing life in the new 
and interesting sphere of husband and wife. You 
may learn something by such attention which will 
be useful to you by and by. There is no study 
more neglected than that of the true method of 
domestic life. Young ladies are educated in 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 145 

French, music and drawing, as I have told you in 
a preceding lecture, but how few are thoroughly 
instructed in whatever is necessary to make the 
good wife. Every- where our lads and young 
men are learning to be good clerks, good carpen- 
ters, good machinists and good blacksmiths ; but 
what young man is learning to be a good husband ? 
Do you think that it requires no study — no effort — 
no knowledge of the duties and demands of domes- 
tic life, to be a good husband ? Many entertain 
this view, and hence seek no preparation for the 
marriage relations. If a young man is going into 
the dry goods business, or is designing to become 
a pilot on a steam-boat, he studies to prepare 
himself for the station : but if he is designing to 
take to himself a wife and become the head of a 
little community in his own home and around his 
own fire -side, where a great amount of skill is 
sometimes necessary properly to guide the helm 
of his domestic affairs, he makes no preparation, 
but when he gets ready, jumps at once into the 
position, and "trusts to luck " for the conse- 
quences. 

It is well for us to " take time bv the forelock/' 
10 



146 quinby's lectures. 

and lay up knowledge " against a time of need." 
The unmarried, therefore, will not, I trust, be 
indifferent to the teachings of this lecture, which 
will be drawn mainly from the inspired volume. 

Now the great design of Christianity is to 
benefit our condition as we pass along the journey 
of life, by pointing out a way of pleasantness and 
peace for us ; or, in other words, by unfolding all 
the duties of our present existence ; and at the 
same time revealing a higher and holier world for 
man when his earthly pilgrimage has ended. 
Hence we find a wonderful diversity of subjects 
discussed in the Bible, as well as injunctions laid 
down with reference to the affairs of this life. 
Indeed, there is nothing omitted. Political, re- 
ligious, moral, spiritual, social, domestic, and all 
the other duties binding on the Christian and the 
citizen, are enforced by Christ and his Apostles. 

Among other classes, husbands and wives are 
not forgotten. In many instances they are made 
the subjects of special remark, and the objects of 
particular instruction. The entire chapter from 
which our text is selected, as well as many 
portions of the other writings of Paul, is devoted 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 147 

to marriage and the affairs of the marriage cove- 
nant ; which shows that the duties and respon- 
sibilities of the conjugal state were deemed 
of great importance by the inspired penman. 
Indeed, every person of reflection or experience 
must know that no position can be more im- 
portant than this ; it involves so many items 
of human happiness or human misery, as the 
case may be. 

As I said in a preceding lecture, marriage is 
the source of unspeakable happiness or unspeak- 
able wretchedness, just as the education, circum- 
stances, motives and spirit of the parties move 
them in the maintenance of its claims and per- 
formance of its duties. 

When the parties come to the marriage altar 
bringing only pure motives — are bound heart to 
heart by a mutual respect and affection, and 
subsequently strive together as husband and wife 
with one spirit in the discharge of all the duties and 
obligations of this relation, there are no blessings 
so rich — no joys so pure as those which spring 
from such a union. 

On the other hand, when the conjugal relations 



148 quinby's lectures. 

are entered out of a spirit of selfishness or avarice, 
to gain position, or through some deceptive means, 
and in the absence of a proper respect and affec- 
tion : when, also, the parties fail to rightly regard 
the duties and obligations of the marriage cove- 
nant and trample them under foot, there is no 
wretchedness harder to be endured — none more 
to be lamented than that which springs from such 
a union. Sometimes out of it come anger, strife, 
hatred, jealousy and even blows. Where the 
parties permit so lamentable a condition of spirit 
to be fostered, all the blessings and sweets of 
domestic life are crushed, and their dwelling, 
which should resemble a paradise, is converted 
into a hell. Who would crave the boon of life, if 
forced to live in hell ? 

It is no matter of wonder, then, that the early 
disciples of Christ were so particular in their in- 
structions on this subject. They would inspire 
the soul with right motives, and open to the 
understanding good counsel. They would take 
all who enter the conjugal relations by the hand 
and lead them into the beautiful fields of love and 
tenderness — of duty and delights. 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 149 

Our text contains an injunction — or exhortation, 
" Let the husband render unto the wife due be- 
nevolence ; and likewise also the w T ife unto the 
husband.'' The word benevolence, in its general 
acceptation, signifies a disposition to do good : 
good will, kindness, a love for others, accompanied 
with a desire to promote their happiness. " But 
all this," as one writer affirms, " does not fully- 
express the meaning of the apostle in the use of 
the word here translated ' benevolence.' It signi- 
fies the conjugal duty — the matrimonial debt ; or, 
in other words, every duty the husband owes his 
wife, or the wife her husband." 

Now if husbands and wives take good care to 
mutually " render " these duties, according to 
the injunction of our text, they will pass their 
days tranquilly — happily: if not, it would be the 
hight of folly for them to expect happiness ; for who 
can walk counter to the express commands of God 
and still enjoy tranquillity ? The declaration of 
the Divine Word is : " The way of the trans- 
gressor is hard." This injunction applies to those 
who transgress the matrimonial duties, as well as 
to others. 



150 aUINBY^S LECTURES. 

But what are the matrimonial duties ? 

I propose in this lecture to speak of those duties 
"which are binding equally on the husband and the 
wife, and in which they are, therefore, mutually 
interested. In my next, I shall mention, first, those 
which belong to the husband ; and, second, those 
which belong to the wife. 

Permit me now to consider the young ladies and 
gentlemen of this audience as filling the same 
position which your speaker and his companion 
occupied when the knot was first tied which united 
them for life. I recollect very well how ignorant 
we were of many of the duties of our new sphere ; 
how simple were our beginnings in housekeeping ; 
how full we were of hope ; how many mistakes 
we made, and how we learned from experience — 
sometimes from bitter experience — many things 
which we could not learn from any other source. 
The counsel of a kind friend would then have 
been gratefully received, and, perhaps, might have 
rendered us much assistance in the efforts of our 
new life. I shall speak to you as a friend — one 
who ardently desires your happiness — and who 
would say something calculated to encourage you 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 151 

and aid you in all the relations of domestic life ; 
and I have no doubt but you will receive the word 
spoken in the same spirit of good will which gives 
it utterance. 

You will permit me, then, to speak to you all 
as if you had just entered the conjugal relations. 
Each young man has led his bride to the altar ; 
he is bound to her in the holy bond of wedlock ; 
has returned to his home, and is now just starting 
on the great matrimonial journey. Both you and 
your lady desire a pleasant journey. You would 
avoid pitfalls and all dangerous places. You ask 
not for a toilsome way ; but you pray for safety 
and peace ; for a smooth and easy path in green 
fields, under sunny skies, and amidst many de- 
liohts. How shall this blessing be secured ? This 
is a question, as you are all aware, of great mo- 
ment. What duties must be discharged by each, 
to the end that the journey of life may be peace- 
ful and happy to both of you ? 

1. It would be well for both parties to realize now, 
in the commencement of your pilgrimage , and in 
every stage of the journey, the indissoluble nature 
of the union formed. 



152 quinby's lectures. 

You have not entered partnership for a month, 
or year. You are not to journey together for a 
little while, and then separate ; but you are to 
walk hand in hand during all life's pilgrimage. 
The matrimonial knot is not so easily severed. 
Sailors are proverbial for tying knots difficult to be 
loosened ; but the man who marries can do a still 
more difficult thing. He can form a tie with his 
tongue in a moment which will hold a lifetime. And 
it is important, I repeat, that the parties keep this 
truth in mind ; — that they are not to divide their 
interests, or separate, but to be to each other as 
husband and wife so long as life continues. A 
proper sense of this truth must have an influence on 
the parties, to render them more cautious in their 
attention to each other's wants and wishes, and 
more careful in their endeavors so to live as that 
true tranquillity and happiness may be experienced 
as the fruit of their relations. 

Many pursue a very injudicious — very foolish 
course. They are bound for life. They should 
know that they can not separate without subject- 
ing themselves to the odium of society and a great 
amount of trouble ; and in many cases they have 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 153 

the additional reason for remaining united — the 
stronger tie which springs from parental love, and 
duty to offspring ; and yet, they live in a perpetual 
broil, — thus enduring a whole life of misery, in- 
stead of enjoying a whole life of happiness. And 
this brings me to say to both sexes, — 

2. Never permit trifles to disturb the harmony of 
your intercourse. 

Important results sometimes proceed from the 
slightest causes. 

" Large streams from little fountains flow." 

Protracted and bloody wars have resulted from 
the most insignificant provocations. So within the 
precincts of domestic life, the husband and wife 
are not unfrequently estranged in interest and 
affection for years, by the merest trifles. In con- 
versation, they indulge in disputations on questions 
of no importance. JSTo matter what the subject 
of controversy, whether the color of a lady's 
dress — the set of a shirt collar — the cookery of a 
dinner — the probability of a storm, or the differ- 
ence 

" ' Twixt tweedle dum and tweedle dee," 



154 qulvby's lectures. 

they will dispute. It is true, that in their dispu- 
tations, they are never known to convince each 
other of error ; this is out of the question, and is 
not expected by either party ; but still, they will 
talk, and talk with as much determination as if a 
great national subject were under examination, 
wherein, not only the interests of the country, but 
of the world, were at stake ; when, in truth, noth- 
ing is at stake. For, whether the question of dis- 
putation were decided in favor of the one side or 
the other, the result would be no advantage to 
either party. 

Now, these little petty quarrels are the source 
of one-half the trouble and misery which are ex- 
perienced in conjugal life. They are never instru- 
mental in strengthening the affections of the parties 
for each other. True tranquillity and conjugal 
felicity are not the fruits of foolish bickerings. 
But they engender lasting discord — weaken re- 
spect — sunder hearts that should be one, and, in 
a little while, are often the cause of the most 
positive wretchedness. 

Do not indulge, then, in petty disputations. If 
a question arises concerning which there is a differ- 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 155 

ence of opinion, and you are about to enter the 
arena of controversy, just pause and quietly con- 
sider what you will gain by the dispute. If noth- 
ing is to be gained, what is the use of an angry 
altercation? By it, you not only gain nothing, but 
you lose something. Think of what you lose. You 
lose quietude, peace, mutual affection, and sympathy. 
What greater blessings than these ? What is life 
worth where they are absent ? And yet, angry 
altercations will drive them all away, and leave in 
their stead only enmity, turbulance. mutual disaffec- 
tion and alienation. In the name of all that is 
pure and lovely in wedded life, then, consider these 
things when you are about to open a controversy 
on a question of no moment, and as you prize 
happiness, do not permit yourselves to say a word 
more. Stop where you are. One word engenders 
ten, and ten a thousand. How foolish ! I have 
heard of a couple who entered an angry dispute 
at dinner table over a fowl. " Were they eating 
duck or goose? " This was the question : and the 
altercation ended in upsetting the table, destroying 
its contents, and a subsequent confession on the 
part of the wife, who had contended the fowl was 



156 quinby's lectures. 

a goose, that, " to be sure, it was a ducJc now, but if 
it had lived long enough it would have been a goose." 
The author of "A Voice to the Married " 
speaks well on this subject. " Whenever a differ- 
ence of opinion arises, it can and should be dis- 
cussed with as much mildness and good nature as 
a topic upon which there is no disagreement. 
The different views which each entertains should 
be freely offered, and examined with calmness, in 
a mild and friendly tone of voice ; and in the re- 
plies which each makes to the other, the utmost 
care should be taken to utter no reflections upon 
the abilities or motives of either party, or to use 
any expressions of an irritating nature. If the 
husband thinks the wife talks foolishly, or takes 
an unreasonable view of the subject of conversa- 
tion, instead of indulging in such epithets as 
■ simpleton/ ■ ridiculous/ ■ absurd/ he should 
strive to convince her of her error by kindly, and 
peaceably, and patiently laboring to enlighten her 
upon the merits of the subject. If she has acted 
foolishly or unreasonably, she will in this manner 
perceive it soon enough without being harshly and 
angrily taunted at. 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 157 

"And the wife should pursue the same con- 
ciliating tone toward her husband. * * * 
If either party loses temper for a moment, and 
indulges in a harsh, irritating expression, the 
other, so far from following this example, should 
exercise the greatest self-command, and by in- 
creased kindness and forbearance — both in de- 
meanor and lano-uao-e — exhibit the rainbow of 
peace, which will soon dispel the rising storm. 
'A soft answer turneth away wrath/ is one of 
the wise maxims of the Bible, and universal ex- 
perience testifies its truth. Let answers be soft 
and gentle, and it will be impossible to enkindle 
wrath in any bosom. 

" What reason, what propriety is there in creating 
hard feelings and making one another unhappy, 
simply because we can not think alike upon every 
subject ? There is quite as much reason for 
becoming angry and miserable because we do not 
look, or speak, or dress alike. ' Two things, well 
considered/ says Cotten, ' would prevent many 
quarrels. First, to have it well ascertained 
whether we are not disputing about terms, rather 
than things ; and secondly, to examine whether 



r 



158 quinby's lectures. 

that on which we differ is worth contending about. 9 " 
Patrick Henry, in his advice to his daughter, 
most sensibly remarks: " Little things, which in 
reality are mere trifles in themselves, often pro- 
duce bickerings and even quarrels. Never permit 
them to be a subject of dispute ; yield them with 
pleasure — with a smile of affection. Be assured 
that one difference outweighs them all a thousand 
or ten thousand times. A difference with your 
husband ought to be considered as the greatest 
calamity — as one that is to be most studiously 
guarded against. It is a demon which must never 
be permitted to enter a habitation where all should 
be peace, unimpaired confidence and heartfelt 
affection/ ' 

3. Both ])arties should be careful to guard against 
saying or doing any thing to wound unnecessarily 
the feelings of each other. 

Some persons, naturally sarcastic, utter many 
sharp, biting things, thoughtlessly. When in a 
pet, especially, they give loose rein to this dispo- 
sition, and pour out their invective without stint. 
The husband sees something wrong in his wife, or 
in the management of her domestic affairs, and 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 159 

he cuts to the quick with a clean blade. Every 
word is a dagger that pierces a sensitive heart. 
Or, this order reversed, may represent the true 
condition of things. Wives are not always desti- 
tute of tongues, and they can now and then deal 
in words ; sometimes in words that pierce like 
bullets. When a little irritated or disappointed, 
through the fault of the husband, " they whet their 
tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot 
their arrows, even bitter words," as the Psalmist 
expresses it. This is often done by both parties 
hastily and without reflection. They are naturally 
inclined to satire. When aroused, a keen reproach 
is thrown out with as little effort, and apparently 
with as little thought, as it requires to breathe. 
But however frequently this manner of expression 
is indulged in by persons in their intercourse with 
the world generally, it should always be avoided 
by the husband and the wife. The connection be- 
tween them is so intimate and so tender, and of 
a nature so lasting, that it is impossible for them 
to deal in taunts and sarcasm and not weaken the 
cords by which they are bound. It is said by the, - 
wise man, of the good wife, " that she openeth 



160 

her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the 
law of kindness." He might have said the same 
of the good husband. 

There are others who deal in fun and frolic, 
and in their love of sport say a thousand things 
calculated to wound the feelings. The husband 
studies for this kind of amusement with his wife, 
or the wife with her husband. I am aware that 
this habit, when compared with the last mentioned, 
is very innocent — especially when indulged in by 
the parties at their own home and in the presence 
of their intimate friends. But some employ it on 
all occasions and in the presence of all classes of 
persons. If the husband speaks to his wife, or of 
her in company, he is sure to tell something she 
has said or done, or speak of some habit into 
which she has fallen, only to see her blush, and 
laugh over her mortification. 

"My wife tells the truth three times a day," 
said a jocose fellow, in company, at the same time 
casting a very mischievous glance at her. "Before 
rising in the morning she says : ' Oh ! dear, I 
must get up, but I do'nt want to/ After break- 
fast she adds : i Well, I suppose I must go to 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 161 

work, but I do'nt want to ; ' and she goes to bed 
saying : ' There, I have been passing all day, and 
hav'nt done any thing.' " Isow this would be 
well if said in one's own house and in the pres- 
ence only of one's intimate friends ; but if uttered 
to a company of strangers it might mortify the 
feelings of the wife ; especially if a sensitive 
woman, and cause her to wish herself any where 
else rather than to be made the butt of her hus- 
band's wit. I am aware that some persons enjoy 
this kind of frolic and join in the laugh, though it 
is gotten up at their own expense. But where 
they do not, the husband and the wife should be 
cautious how they indulge in it. It injures the 
feelings, produces unpleasantness, sometimes sows 
discord, and is the cause of many unkind words. 
I repeat, if the parties desire to walk life's journey 
amidst the sweet flowers of affection, and by the 
still waters of peace and harmony, let them be 
careful to guard against saying or doing any thing 
unnecessarily to wound the feelings of each other. 
Cowper says of conjugal love : 

" 'Tis gentle, delicate and kind, 

To faults compassionate or blind, 
11 



162 quinby's lectures. 

And will, with sympathy, endure 
Those evils it would gladly cure ; 
But angry, coarse, and harsh expression 
Shows love to be a mere profession ; 
Proves that the heart is none of his, 
Or soon expels him if it is." 

4. Another duty which should be carefully 
regarded by the husband and the wife is, the 
exercise of a mutual confidence. 

No attempt at concealment should ever be 
indulged in by either party. The heart of each 
should be open to the other. The wife is the 
bosom companion of the husband ; the husband 
is the bosom companion of the wife. There may 
be some things, which, from their peculiar nature, 
it is neither necessary nor proper for the one 
to reveal to the other : so says the Freemason, 
the Oddfellow, the Son of Temperance, and even 
the Daughter of Temperance. But in all things 
where the parties are mutually interested and 
mutually concerned, there should be openness, 
frankness, and plain dealing on both sides. "The 
least lack of confidence in either party will 
engender distrust, and distrust will ripen into 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 163 

jealousy ; the latter will give birth to strife ; and 
when strife, from such a cause, shows itself openly, 
then farewell — a long farewell, to all the sweets 
and comforts of social life ! " 

On the other hand, a mutual confidence is the 
direct source of perpetual tranquillity, prosperity 
and happiness. Some men scorn the idea of per- 
mitting a wife to know any thing of their business 
or the condition of their financial concerns. But 
this is unwise. It is for the pecuniary interest of 
the husband, as well as for the satisfaction of the 
wife, that she be advised, from time to lime, of 
how he prospers. " His financial affairs may 
assume such a character that it becomes necessary 
to practice the most rigid economy. But how can 
she know this unless she receives intelligence from 
her husband ? She may hear it from others, but 
she feels bound to believe nothing discreditable to 
him except on the most indubitable evidence.' * 
And when she becomes convinced that the rumor 
is true — that her husband's credit is at low ebb — 
that his business is in a bad condition — that he is 
on the point of bankruptcy, if she is a woman of 
sense and feeling, how is her heart pained — pained, 



164 quinby's lectures. 

not only in consideration of her husband's pecuni- 
ary interests, but at the want of confidence, which 
he has manifested in her affection, her sympathy, 
and her ability to appreciate his situation. 

Some husbands, especially young husbands, study 
to keep their wives ignorant of whatever reverses 
and misfortunes may mingle in their cup, because 
they are fearful of the consequences of a revela- 
tion on the health and happiness of their wives. 

A young friend of mine, some years since, when 
overwhelmed in difficulty, said to me : "I would 
not have my wife know of this trouble for the 
world/ ' 

" And why not ? " I inquired. 

" Because she never could endure it. It would 
break down her spirit. It would prostrate her in 
the very dust of the earth." 

" You mistake the character of your wife," said 
I, "as well as her ability to bear the reverses of 
fortune. She is gentle and retired in her nature, 
I am aware, and she has always looked on the 
bright side of the picture, but you are her husband, 
she loves you, and instead of breaking her down, 
this calamity will but nerve her to duty. She will 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 165 

be your comforter, your supporter. By her words 
of sympathy arid cheerfulness, she will take all 
the bitterness of this trouble from your heart." 
And thus it proved. 

A little domestic story of much interest, illus- 
trative of this subject, is told in the Sketch Book. 
It is a relation of facts. My limits will permit 
me to give only the outlines. The writer says : — 

" My intimate friend, Leslie, had married a 
beautiful and accomplished girl, who had been 
brought up in the midst of fashionable life. The 
very difference in their characters produced a har- 
monious combination : he was of a romantic and 
somewhat serious cast: she was all life and glad- 
ness. I have often noticed the mute rapture with 
which he would gaze on her in company, of which 
her sprightly powers made her the delight; and 
how, in the midst of applause, her eye would still 
turn to him, as if there alone she sought favor 
and acceptance. 

"It was the misfortune of my friend, however, 
to have embarked his property in large specula- 
tions ; and he had not been married many months, 
when, by a succession of sudden disasters, it was 



166 quinby's lectures. 

swept from him, and he found himself reduced 
almost to penury. For a time he kept his situa- 
tion to himself, and went about with a haggard 
countenance and a breaking heart. His life was 
but a protracted agony : and what rendered it 
more insupportable, was the necessity of keeping 
up a smile in the presence of his wife ; for he 
could not bring himself to overwhelm her with 
the news. 

" She saw, however, with the quick eyes of 
affection, that all was not well with him. She 
marked his altered looks and stifled sighs, and was 
not to be deceived by his sickly and rapid attempts 
at cheerfulness. She tasked all her sprightly 
powers and tender blandishments to win him back 
to happiness ; but she only drove the arrow deeper 
into his soul. The more he saw cause to love her, 
the more torturing was the thought that he was 
soon to make her wretched. 

"At length he came to me, one day, and relat- 
ed his whole situation in a tone of the deepest 
despair. When I heard him through, I inquired, 
' Does your wife know all this ? ' At the question, 
he burst into an agony of tears. * For God's sake I' 



tUTTES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 167 

cried lie, ' if you have any pity on me, do'nt men- 
tion my wife ; it is the thought of her that drives 
me almost to madness.' 

" * And why not ? ' said I, ' She must know it, 
sooner or later : you can not keep it long from her. 
Beside, you are depriving yourself of the comforts 
of her sympathy ; and not merely that, but also 
endangering the only bond that can keep hearts 
together — an unreserved community of thought 
and feeling. She will soon perceive that some- 
thing is secretly preying upon your mind ; and 
true loye_ willjoot brook reserve : it feels under- 
valued and outraged, when even the sorrows of 
those it loves are concealed from it.' 

" * Oh ! but, my friend, to think what a blow I 
am to give to all her future prospects ! How I 
am to strike her very soul to the earth, by telling 
her that her husband is a beo^ar ! That she is to 
forego all the elegancies of life, all the pleasures 
of society, to sink with me into indigence and 
obscurity ! ' 

" I saw his grief was eloquent, and I let it have 
its flow ; for sorrow relieves itself by words. I 
resumed the subject gently, and urged him to 



168 quinby's lectures. 

break his situation at once to his wife. He shook 
his head mournfully but positively. 

" ' But how are you to keep it from her. You 
must change your style of living — nay/ observing 
a pang to pass across his countenance, ' don't let 
that afflict you. I am sure you never placed your 
happiness in outward show ; you have yet friends, 
warm friends, who will not think the worse of you 
for being less splendidly lodged ; and surely it 
does not require a palace to be happy with Mary :' 
' I could be happy with her/ he cried, convulsively, 
* in a hovel ! I could go down with her into pov- 
erty and the dust ! I could — I could ! God bless 
her — God bless her ! ' cried he, bursting into a 
transport of grief and tenderness. 

" ' And believe me, my friend/ said I, stepping 
up and grasping him warmly by the hand, ' believe 
me, she can be the same with you. Ay, more. It 
will be a source of pride and triumph to her ; it will 
call forth all the latent and fervent sympathies of 
her nature, for she will rejoice to prove that she 
loves you for yourself. There is, in every true wo- 
man's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies 
dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 169 

which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the 
dark hour of adversity. No man knows what the 
wife of his bosom is — no man knows what a 
ministering angel she is — till he has gone with her 
through the fiery trials of this world/ 

" The next morning I saw Leslie. He had 
made the disclosure. 

" ' And how did she bear it ? ' I asked. 

"'Like an angel! It seemed rather to be a 
relief to her mind ; for she threw her arms around 
my neck, and asked if this was all that had lately 
made me unhappy. But, poor girl/ added he, 
1 she can not realize the change she must under- 
go. She has no idea of poverty but in the ab- 
stract : she has only read of it in poetry, where 
it is allied to love/ 

" Some days after, he called upon me in the 
evening. He had disposed of his dwelling-house, 
and taken a small cottage in the country, a few 
miles from town. The new establishment required 
few articles, and those of the simplest kind. All 
the splendid furniture of his late residence had 
been sold, except his wife's harp. That, he said, 
was too closely associated with the idea of herself ; 



170 quinby's lectures. 

it belonged to the little story of their loves, and 
must be carried to their new home. 

" He was now going out to the cottage, where 
his wife had been all day, superintending its ar- 
rangement. My feelings had been strongty inter- 
ested in the progress of this family story, and, as 
it was a fine evening, I offered to accompany him. 

" He was wearied with the fatigues of the day, 
and, as we walked out, fell into a fit of gloomy 
musing. 

" * Poor Mary ! ' at length broke, with a heavy 
sigh, from his lips. 

" ' And what of her ? ' asked I ; ' has any thing 
happened to her ? - 

" ' What ! ' said he, darting an impatient glance ; 
' is it nothing to be reduced to this paltry situa- 
tion ? to be ca^ed in a miserable cottage ? to be 
obliged to toil almost in the menial concerns of her 
wretched habitation ? ' 

" ' Has she, then, repined at the change ! ' 

" ' Repined ! She has been nothing but sweet- 
ness and good humor. Indeed, she seems in bet- 
ter spirits than I have ever known her; she has 
been to me all love and tenderness and comfort. 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 171 

Oh ! if this first meeting at the cottage were over, 
I think I could then be comfortable. But this is 
her first day of real experience. She has been 
introduced into an humble dwelling — all day has 
been laboring to arrange its miserable equipments, 
and may now be sitting down exhausted and spir- 
itless, brooding over a prospect of future poverty.' 

" After turning from the main road, up a nar- 
row lane, so thickly shaded by forest trees, as to 
give it a complete air of seclusion, we came in 
sight of the cottage. It was humble enough for 
the most pastoral poet ; and yet it had a pleasing 
rural look. A small wicket-gate opened upon a 
foot-path that wound through some shrubbery to 
the door. Just as we approached, we heard the 
sound of music. Leslie grasped my arm. We 
paused and listened. It was Mary's voice, sing- 
ing in a style of the most touching simplicity, a 
little air of which her husband was peculiarly 
fond. 

" In a moment more, a bright, beautiful face 
glanced out at the window, and vanished ; a light 
footstep was heard and Mary came tripping forth 
to meet us. She was in a pretty rural dress of 



172 

white ; a few wild flowers were twisted in her fine 
hair ; a fresh bloom was on her cheek ; her whole 
countenance beamed with smiles. I had never 
seen her look so lovely. 

" * Dear George/ cried she, ' I am so glad you 
have come ! I have been watching and watching 
for you ; and running down the lane and looking out 
for you. I've set out a table under a beautiful tree 
behind the cottage, and I've been gathering some 
of the most delicious strawberries, for I know you 
are fond of them ; and we shall have excellent 
cream, and every thing is so sweet and still here. 
Oh !' said she, putting her arm through his, and 
looking up brightly in his face, ' Oh ! we shall be 
so happy !' 

"Poor Leslie was overcome. He folded his 
arms round her, and the tears gushed into his 
eyes ; and he has often assured me, that though 
the world has since gone prosperously with him, 
and his life has, indeed, been a happy one, yet 
never has he experienced a moment of greater felicity " 

Let no young husband who has a wife possess- 
ing common sense, then, be afraid to communicate 
to her the true circumstances of his situation, 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 173 

no matter how dark. She is part of himself. 
Their interests are one ; their temporal destiny- 
one ; and it is only by a mutual confidence — an 
unreserved community of thought and feeling — 
that true tranquillity can be secured in seasons of 
adversity. Let the heart of each be open to the 
other. Let the husband, in the dark hours of his 
life, unburthen himself to his wife, and the wife 
to the husband. 

If the husband is drawn away from the path 
of rectitude by the wiles of temptation : if he 
falls into evil company, or is induced by pressing- 
circumstances to do a wrong, let him never with- 
hold a knowledge of it from his wife — never. She 
is not fit for a wife if she will not bear a portion 
of his burden by sympathy — if she will not lend 
every exertion to relieve him of his difficulty and 
save him in time to come. And so of the husband 
with reference to the dark hours of the wife — her 
troubles and difficulties. They should be poured 
out, without reserve, into the bosom of her com- 
panion. It is only by a mutual confidence and a 
mutual sympathy that the burdens of domestic 
life can be mutually borne. 



174 qutnby's lectures. 

" Imparting, halveth the evils, while it doubleth the 

pleasures of life ; 
But sorrows breed and thicken in the gloomy bosom of 

reserve." 

5. The husband and the wife should always 
regard each other as equals, and strive together as 
one person in all the concerns of life. 

This is shown by the author of our text, where 
he says : " For this cause shall a man leave 
father and mother and be joined unto his wife, 
and they twain shall be one." 

The word translated "joined " in this text, is 
the same that is usually rendered yoked ; as oxen 
yoked to the plow, where each must pull equally 
to brinof forward the load. Among 1 the ancients, 
"when a couple were newly married they put a 
yoke upon their necks and chains upon their arms, 
to show that they were bound together in one, 
and were expected to unite their energies, their 
interests, their sympathies, and draw equally 
together in all the affairs of life/* 

The phrase " they twain shall be one flesh," 
renders this duty still more plain. The meaning- 
is very forcible. It is this, viz : that such is the 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 175 

nature of the union formed by the yoke of hymen, 
that the parties should not only " be as one body, 
but also as two souls in one body, with a complete 
union of interests and an indissoluble partnership 
of life and fortune, comfort and support, joys and 
sorrows.' ' 

Some husbands think they have a right to lord 
it over their wives and treat them like inferiors 
and slaves, rather than companions and equals. 
But there is nothing either in nature, common 
sense or scripture to support such an idea. 

The husband is the " head of the woman," I 
grant ; but in what sense ? Paul explains it. 
u The husband is the head of the woman as 
Christ is the head of the Church : " that is, in love, 
justice, benevolence and righteousness. 

The husband is the principal source whence 
issues the government of the domestic circle ; but 
he must never rule over his wife otherwise than 
with the gentle scepter of affection. For all the 
joys of domestic intercourse and the pleasures of 
conjugal life, the husband is as much indebted to 
the wife as the wife to the husband. Hence their 
dependence, their interests, their happiness are one. 



176 

"But," asks the hearer, "is not the wife called 
in scripture the ' weaker vessel ? ' And if so, can 
she be equal to the man ? " 

It is true that the apostle uses this expression 
when speaking of the woman, but he gives no 
intimation that she is inferior to the husband. 
He does not say that she is weaker in intellect — in 
virtue — in love for God and humanity ; or that 
she possesses less influence ; but he means that 
she is less strong in physical developments — more 
tender in nature and disposition. As one writer 
very happily expresses it, " being more delicately 
and consequently more slenderly constructed. 
Roughness and strength go hand in hand ; so like- 
wise do beauty and frailty. . The female has what 
the man wants — beauty and delicacy. The male 
has what the female wants — courage and strength. 
The one is as good in its place as the other ; and 
by these things God has made an equality between 
the man and the woman, so that there is properly 
very little superiority on either side ; " so that 
there should be no boasting.' ' 

The same idea is beautifully expressed by the 
poet in the following quotation : 



DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 177 

* Man is the lofty, rugged pine, 

Which frowns on many a wave-beat shore : 
Woman's the soft and tender vine, 
Whose curling tendrils round it twine, 

And deck its rough bark sweetly o'er." 

Let all such as are in the habit of calling: the 
wife the " weaker vessel" commit to memory the 
entire text in which this expression occurs, and be 
led by its spirit in all their intercourse with 
their companions in life. " Likewise ye hus- 
bands dwell with them according to knowledge, 
giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker 
vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of 
life, that your prayers be not hindered." The 
husband is to honor his wife, and afford her that 
protection and support which her situation as 
a tender, gentle being demands — always remem- 
bering that she is an heir of immortal blessedness, 
and destined to a world of glory through the 
grace of God, as well as himself. 

Matthew Henry, an eccentric genius, has given 

an odd, but interesting and truthful comment on 

the scripture which speaks of the formation of 

Eve from a rib of Adam. 
12 



178 

He says : " Adam was first formed, then Eve ; 
and she was made of the man, and for the man ; 
all of which is urged as reasons for the humility, 
modesty, silence and submissiveness of the sex in 
general, and particularly the subjection and rev- 
erence which wives owe their husbands. Yet 
man being made last of the creation, as the best 
and most excellent of all ; Eve's being made after 
Adam and out of him, puts an honor upon the 
sex as the glory of the man. If man is the 
' head ' she is the ' crown * — a crown to her 
husband — the crown of the visible creation. The 
man was dust refined, but woman was dust double 
refined, one remove further from the earth. 
Woman was made of a rib, out of the side of 
Adam ; not made out of his head, to rule over 
him, nor out of his feet, to be trampled upon by 
him ; but out of his side, to be equal with him — 
under his arm, to be protected ; and near his heart, 
to be beloved/' 



LECTURE VI. 

RECIPROCAL DUTIES OF HUSBAND AND WIFE. 



" Let every one of you in particular so love his wife 
even as himself j and the wife see that she reverence her 
husband. " Eph. v : 33. 

In my lecture last Sabbath evening I enumer- 
ated some of the principal duties which are mutual 
with the parties in married life. I shall now 
speak more particularly of the duties which belong 
to the separate offices of husband and wife. And 
first, those which belong to the husband. 

1. The first duty of the husband which I shall 
mention, is that which the apostle makes more 
prominent than any other, viz : Love for the wife. 

" Husbands," says he, " love your wives, even 
as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for 
it." " Here is a grand rule, according to which 
every husband is called to act : Love your wife 
as Christ loved the Church. But how did Christ 



180 quinby's lectures. 

love the Church ? He gave himself for it : he laid 
down his life for it. So husbands should, if 
necessary, lay down their lives for their wives." 
Again saith Paul : " So ought men to love their 
wives as their own bodies." And again : li Let 
every *one of you in particular so love his wife 
even as himself" 

Now here self-love is made the standard of the 
husband. His affection for his wife must be 
regulated by his love for himself. " This is a 
correct standard, and simple as it is correct. By 
it the path of duty is made plain before the hus- 
band. No one is so destitute of the power of 
perception as not to know the strength of his 
devotion to his own person ; and but very few 
are so weak in judgment as to be unable to 
decide what will be the course pursued by the 
man who is under the influence of the spirit which 
teaches us " to do unto others as we would that 
others should do unto us." 

Do husbands say that you are unable to under- 
stand what all this means ? or to realize how a 
man can love his wife even as himself? 

I think I can very readily bring the subject 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 181 

down to your comprehension by reminding you of 
the condition of your heart in the days of your 
courtship. Then you knew perfectly well what it 
was to love another even as yourself. You would 
have sacrificed any thing — every thing — even your 
life for the person of your choice. 

More than this. It was by such devotedness, 
and by protestations of such affection : it was by 
constant care and watchfulness, the fruits of a 
pure love, that you won her affection. Now what 
Paul means, is, if you would retain her love and 
make the path of her life peaceful and blessed, it 
must be by the same means, viz : by attention, 
watchfulness and affection : not merely love in 
profession, but love in verity : not affection which 
shows itself in nonsensical compliment, but in acts 
of real goodness. As saith a late writer : " An 
everlasting ' my dear ' on the part of the husband, 
is but a sorry compensation for that sort of love 
that makes him cheerfully toil by day, break his 
rest by night, and endure all sorts of hardships, 
if the life or health of his wife demand it. Let 
the deeds of the husband, and not his words, carry 
to the heart of the wife a daily and hourly con- 



182 quinby's lectures. 

firmation of the fact that he values her health and 
happiness beyond all things beside. " 

" But," asks some one, " suppose a man's 
wife is not deserving such treatment : suppose she 
is petulant, morose, cross-grained and cold ; would 
you require of her husband to love her and treat 
her as if she were an angel ? " 

Most certainly. Was she not once an angel ? 
When you gave her your affection and led her 
trembling and blushing to the marriage altar, and 
there promised " to love and to honor her as long 
as life continued/ ' did she not seem to you as a 
favor from God, a being direct from Paradise ? 

" Well, but she has since changed." 

So have you changed ; and who can tell but 
you were the first to change, and that the change 
in you has had an influence to make her what she 
is. Now all she needs to make her one of the 
kindest, sweetest, and most affectionate creatures 
in the world, is that constant, that tender affection 
of which I have spoken, and to which the apostle 
alludes when he says, " Let every one of you in 
particular so love his wife even as himself" 

Let him show his affection by the deeds which 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 183 

I have enumerated, and it will fan up a flame 
of pure devotion in the bosom of his compan- 
ion which can never be extinguished. Come 
prosperity or adversity — sickness or health — storm 
or sunshine, she will be to him a faithful, loving 
wife, constant in her affection, and decking the 
pathway of his existence with the sweet flowers 
of virtue, contentment and cheerfulness. 

2. The husband should regard himself as the 
protector of his wife. 

She may be young and inexperienced when she 
leaves her home, her parents and friends, brothers 
and sisters, for the home of her husband. She 
breaks up all the endearing associations of youth, 
and perhaps departs for a distant dwelling in a 
strange land, to share the toils and the happiness 
of him to whom she has surrendered her first and 
purest affection. Every sacrifice has been made 
for him. She has given up all others ; has virtu- 
ally surrendered the world to walk hand in hand 
through life with the man to whom she cleaves 
with undivided affection. 

To whom, now, can she look for the sympathy 
and protection which her situation demands, but 



184 quinby's lectures. 

to her husband ? To whom can she go in the 
hour of calamity for redress and kindness, but to 
him? 

And I affirm, that the man who does not regard 
his wife with feelings of the utmost tenderness, 
under such circumstances, and do all in his power 
to make her happy, to strengthen her confidence 
in him, and protect her from all injury and suffer- 
ing, is utterly unworthy the name of husband. 

But look around you in society, for a moment, 
and behold what character of protectors some hus- 
bands constitute ! Here is one — a young man 
married but a short time since, who is a do-nothing 
concern : a lazy, loafing, idle fellow, out at the 
elbows and slip-shod. What a noble protector for 
a woman, that ! Why, he can not protect himself. 
He is always freezing, or starving, or beset by 
creditors. 

Look again. Here comes another. Only one 
year has elapsed since he led a lovely girl to the 
marriage altar. You perceive by his complexion 
and general appearance, that he loves brandy. 
He always drank, but never to excess, till more 
recently. He now thinks more of the bottle 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 185 

than of his wife ; and more of the bar room than 
of his place of business. His employers have 
turned him adrift because of his bad habits. He 
has lost his salary, but he sticks to his toddy- 
stick. Bills are pouring in on him, his wife has 
sold a portion of her furniture for bread, and they 
are just on the point of being thrust out of doors, 
because of an unpaid rent bill. What a noble 
protector is this man for a woman ! The heart of 
his wife is already broken. She has used every 
endeavor to reclaim him, and all her efforts have 
proved unavailing. Now she exclaims : " Carry 
me back to the green fields of my childhood's 
home and let me die, and there bury me with my 
kindred and friends ! " 

Another still, approaches. He bears the marks 
of a gentleman, but not of a high-minded, honor- 
able man. Once he could look any man in the 
face, but not now. He has changed his occupation 
since he was joined in wedlock with his beautiful 
and gifted wife. She hardly knows where he spends 
his time, or how he obtains the means of support. 
She passes long days and nights alone. How 
long do they sometimes seem. Late in the morn- 



186 quinby's lectures* 

ing he returns ; and often wild and frightful and 
intoxicated. He mutters in his sleep, and awakes 
only to leave wife and home again for somebody 
and for something, she dares not imagine whom 
nor for what. 

That wife is poor, solitary, neglected, wretched. 
Her husband is a gambler. She has no protector. 
On the contrary, her husband is exposing her 
every moment to shame, poverty and the frowns 
of society. 

Now, young man, I undertake to say, that you 
nor I have no right, when we have taken upon 
ourselves the care and protection of a wife, to put 
ourselves into a condition which renders us utterly 
incapable of affording the expected sympathy and 
assistance. It is bad enough for a man to indulge 
in laziness, drinking, and gambling, when discon- 
nected from the marriage relations, and standing- 
alone in the world ; but when he has united the 
destiny of another with his, I repeat, neither the 
laws of God nor man give him any right to do any 
thing which will ruin her peace, and hasten her to 
the grave. On the contrary, he is bound by his 
promise at the marriage altar, by the requirements 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 187 

of the divine word, and by all the dictates of jus- 
tice and humanity, for her protection, happiness 
and prosperity. 

3. And here I am reminded of another duty 
of the husband to which I will just allude. He 
should provide according to the best of his ability for 
the wants of his wife and family. 

What right have you, or any other man, to 
marry a wife and then starve or freeze her, clothe 
her in rags, keep her house destitute of furniture, 
and afford her nothing to render her home com- 
fortable and blessed ? The man who is thus par- 
simonious, or neglects to provide for his wife from 
any other cause unless it be sickness or misfortune, 
is not fit to bear the name of husband, for that 
name embraces all the obligations which are due 
the wife and family. 

" The word husband comes from the Anglo- 
Saxon hus and band : the bond of the house, 
anciently spelt house-bond." The husband then 
is, or shoidd be, the power or energy which holds 
the family, whether small or large, in its proper 
position. But does he accomplish this desirable 
work if he is a drunken, shiftless, lazy, dissipated 



188 quinby's lectures. 

fellow, neglecting his family and spending his 
time in idleness, bar rooms and brothels ? Does 
he not rather break the bond of union and scatter 
the family to the four winds ? 

The inspired word declares : " He that pro- 
videth not for his own, and especially for those of 
his own house, has denied the faith, and is worse 
than an infidel." I will add, worse than a 
heathen. Heathen writers have left many max- 
ims corresponding to this divine declaration. 
They tell us that " nature dictates to every one 
that his own wife and children should be most 
dear/' and "that every man should take care of 
his own family." 

There is much reason for believing that much 
of the domestic infelicity with which the world 
abounds, arises from the improvidence of the 
husband, or bond of the family. It but seldom 
happens that discord and strife reign in that house 
where the house-bond is a good provider ; a phrase, 
by the way, which includes a good deal. The 
good provider does more for his wife and children 
than for his beasts. He not only furnishes his 
family with enough to eat, drink and wear : he 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 189 

not only procures a house to shelter them from 
the storm, as the merciful man does his catttle, 
but he provides for the spiritual and intellectual 
wants of his wife and children at home, in the 
school room and at church, and seeks to make 
them happy through attention to every needed 
blessing. A family blessed with such a house-bond, 
is at peace, contented and happy. 

4. It is the duty of the husband to cultivate a 
love for home, and by spending his leisure moments 
in the bosom of his family, impart peace and con- 
tentment to the hearts of its members. 

Home ! how sweet a word is this ! What joys 
cluster around it ! Where dwells the kind and 
affectionate wife ; where her hand puts in order 
all things, and gives an air of neatness and com- 
fort to every apartment ; where she is ready to 
greet with smiles and gentle words, the return of 
her husband, and sympathize with him in his 
anxiety or weariness ; and where peace and love 
and contentment and gratitude dwell, and a sweet 
harmony of sentiment and desire. Oh ! how 
lovely ! — how blessed is such a home ! No matter 
if it is the home of a poor man ; is it not very 



190 quinby's lectures. 

joyous ? Thanks to a kind Father above, it is not 
necessary to dwell in a palace to secure domestic 
comfort and inward joy. In the quiet, humble 
cottage there may be found the purest happiness. 
The Scottish bard, who was himself cradled in the 
home of a poor man, hath well said : 

" It's not in titles, nor in rank ; 
It's not in wealth like Lon'on bank, 

To purchase peace and rest. 
It's not in making more and more ; 
It's not in houses, lands or store, 

To make us truly blest. 
If happiness have not her seat 

And center in the breast, 
We may be wise or rich or great, 
But never can be blest." 

Never were truer words spoken than these, as 
all persons of experience can testify. No matter 
how " wise or rich or great" we may be, if the 
heart is not right we can experience no true 
enjoyment. But where the heart is right, though 
we are not in possession of wisdom or wealth 
or greatness, we can and do enjoy a quiet, 
peaceful, blessed state of mind. 

And now young men, permit me to ask — and I 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 191 

put the question for your consideration — can that 
man's heart be right who forsakes his wife and 
home whenever opportunity offers, and spends all 
his leisure hours in public houses, lounging places, 
theaters and drinking saloons ? Is this treating 
the wife of his bosom either justly or kindly ? 
She has a claim on his attention. She has left 
her home and all its pleasures for her husband. 
Propriety will not permit her to mingle alone in 
society as it once did. She is, to a certain extent, 
excluded from the world, and her husband, I con- 
tend, owes it to her to make her home as delight- 
ful as circumstances will possibly permit. But 
how can he do this if he is perpetually seeking 
opportunities for absence ? When the toils or 
business of the day is over and he has partaken 
of the evening meal, instead of looking round on 
his own home as the most peaceful and blessed 
spot on earth, and saying to himself, "Here are 
my wife and my children, the delight of my soul, 
I must remain with them to night, to cheer and 
bless them," he views the premises with a look 
of cold discontent, and says, " This is too unsocial. 
Indeed, to spend a whole evening at one's home 



192 quinby's lectures. 

is quite insupportable ; I must away to my cigar 
and bottle companions — to the bar room, reading 
room, theater, or some other place of public 
resort." I ask again, can the heart of that 
husband be right who thus shamefully neglects 
his wife and home ? Can he be happy ? 

"But," says the hearer, " permit me now to 
ask a question. The speaker has described the 
joys of a happy home : but suppose the home of 
a man, in consequence of the sour, morose, pet- 
ulant disposition of his wife, is just the reverse 
of what he has described, how then shall he act ? 
Must he always be tied to her presence ?•" I 
answer : If his wife is sour, let him sweeten her. 
Let him employ for this purpose honey, not vinegar. 
Inattention and petulancy on his part, perhaps, 
have had an influence in making her what she is ; 
attention and kindness will change the order of 
things and give him one of the most pleasant 
companions and cheerful, blessed homes in the 
world. 

Do not then, young men, get in the habit of 
spending your leisure hours away from your own 
fireside. When evening comes, especially a winter 



DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND. 193 

evening, hail it with delight, and say in the simple 
and beautiful lines of the immortal Cowper : 

" Now stir the fire and close the shutters fast, 
Let fall the curtains, wheel the sofa round, 
And while the bubbling and loud-hissing urn 
Throws up a steamy column, and the cups 
That cheer, but not inebriate, wait on each, — 
So let us welcome peaceful evening in." 

Cultivate affection for your home ; think of the 
comfort and pleasure of your wife ; do all in your 
power to render cheerful and happy the little 
domestic circle of which you are the head, and 
you will feel to exclaim : 

" Home, home, — sweet, sweet home, 
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." 

There are many other duties of the husband 
which mip;ht be mentioned, but time fails me. 
Let the young men present resolve to put in prac- 
tice those we have presented, and our labors will 
not be lost. With these remarks we dismiss this 
part of our subject, and proceed to mention some 

of the most essential duties of the wife. 
13 



194 quinby's lectures. 

1. The wtfe must "reverence her husband.' 9 

This constitutes one of the express injunctions 
set forth in our text. " Let every one of you in 
particular so love his wife even as himself; and 
the wife see that she reverence her husband." 
You will notice, the command is not expressed for 
the wife to love her husband. This, 1 suppose, 
the apostle thought would follow as a matter 
of consequence if the husband performed his part 
of the injunction. But he commands the wife to 
reverence her husband ; by which I understand she 
is not to worship him as a god, nor fear him as a 
judge, but that she show him the respect due him 
as her protector, as the head of her family — the 
father of her children — her counsellor, ana the 
dearest friend she has on earth. 

Now all this is natural — -it is proper. I love to 
see the wife show due respect to her husband — to 
his standing in society — his opinions, and the 
principles which he advocates ; unless those prin- 
ciples are beyond question immoral and del- 
eterious. 

Nothing appears more lovely and attractive in 
a woman — a wife — than modesty and a proper 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 195 

reverence for her husband. Do not understand 
me to signify by this that the woman should have 
no sentiments of her own, or that she should not 
express them on all suitable occasions. I mean 
no such thing; but simply that she properly 
respect his position as her husband, the head of 
her household, and address him with that consid- 
eration which this office demands. 

Some wives are exceedingly deficient in this 
virtue. They know very much more than their 
husbands — are older — not in years, but in ivisdom. 
They know more about the husband's business. 
They hold sentiments at variance with his on a 
thousand topics, and do not hesitate to openly 
contradict him in company. They dictate what 
their husbands shall do, and what they shall not 
do in all public affairs as well as private. The 
husband must vote a certain ticket — attend a 
certain church — maintain a certain minister, and 
associate with such and such men, and keep such 
and such society. In short, these wives reverse the 
order of things — are the head of the man — require 
him to reverence them, and in all but their dress 
appear very much as if they were not of the 



196 quinby's lectures. 

gentler sex, but domineering lords — self-willed, 
overbearing husbands. 

I am aware that some wives possess better 
judgments than their husbands, more intelligence 
and stronger minds. Still, a studied exhibition on 
the part of woman of her superiority, in the 
presence of strangers, is never becoming her 
sphere — never beautiful in itself. The wife should 
remember the position of her husband, and not 
ireat him as an inferior and slave, but as an equal 
and companion. Such a course clothes her with 
dignity and loveliness — inspires her husband with 
confidence in her — increases his respect and 
strengthens his affection for her. If a woman 
treats her husband with contempt, she must not 
be surprised to find others copying her example. 

2. Another duty of the wife is, to " obey " the 
husband. 

" Obey'' says the wife; "I do not like the 
sound of that." Nevertheless, it is an injunction 
plainly set forth in the scriptures. 

''Wives obey your husbands in the Lord, for 
this is well pleasing unto God." Again : " Wives 
submit yourselves unto your own husbands as 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 197 

unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the 
wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church. 
Therefore, as the Church is subject unto Christ, 
so let the wives be to their own husbands in every 
thing." 

But let us look for the meaning of this injunc- 
tion. Husbands are sometimes inclined to boast 
of their privilege to command their wives, saying 
that the wife is bound by this scripture to obey in 
all things. Perhaps we may find that, after all, 
they labor under a mistake. The word of inspi- 
ration no where permits the husband to lord it 
over his wife. 

The texts I have quoted contain modifying 
clauses which are generally overlooked. They 
require the wife to "obey" her husband; but 
how? They require her to " submit ;" but how? 
Certainly they do not demand of her obedience 
in any evil, wicked thing, nor submission to that 
which is wrong and injurious. 

The scripture explains itself. " Wives obey 
your husbands in the Lord." " Wives submit your- 
selves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord." 
I understand by this, that the wife is to " obey " . 



198 quinby's lectures. 

her husband and " submit ,, to him in every thing 
congenial with the mild and just and chastening 
principles of the Gospel, that perfect law of liberty. 
In fact, this is all the husband is authorized by 
the religion of Christianity to demand of his wife. 

An ancient heathen king made a law that every 
man should rule his own house. And if the hus- 
band could not govern by one system of means, 
he was at liberty to adopt another, no matter how 
unjust and tyrannical. But Jesus, though he 
directs the wife to " obey the husband," he de- 
mands of the husband to rule his house with love. 
" Husbands love your wives and be not litter 
against them." No husband can be ''bitter" 
toward his wife, or demand any thing of her in- 
consistent with love, and, at the same time, possess 
the spirit and practice the principles of the Chris- 
tian relioion. On the other hand, whatever the hus- 
band demands consistent with pure conjugal affec- 
tion, and which right and common sense justify 
the wife should never refuse. Indeed, she has no au- 
thority for refusing. She must obey " in the Lord." 

"Implicit obedience in 'every thing,' whether 
in righteousness or out of it, would be wrong — is 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 199 

not required — can not be received — must not be 
looked for — should not be expected, and the affec- 
tionate and dutiful husband will not ask it." 

3. Another duty of the wife is, to sympathize 
with her husband in his efforts for the sup-port of his 
family, and to advance in usefulness and honor ; 
and by her economy and frugality, unite her endeav- 
ors with his, and thus assist him in his laudable 
undertakings. 

A wife who thus studies for the interests of her 
husband, is a " help meet " indeed. He can safely 
trust in her. Her anxieties are in his behalf. 
Every day is he encouraged to renewed persever- 
ance. She is an honor to him, and will do him 
good and not evil, all the days of her life. 

"An honest man is the noblest work of God." 
A high-minded, honorable husband, is a prize to 
any woman. He possesses the highest trait that 
can adorn the character of man. Young lady, if 
you have such a husband you are fortunate indeed ; 
and it will be wise in you to bend all your energies 
to assist him in the maintenance of his honor. 

Do you not know that there are many men in 
community who commit dishonorable acts, become 



200 quinby's lectures. 

limited in means, and sometimes fall into bank- 
ruptcy, through the extravagance and folly of 
their wives? I have known a young man of good 
mind and industrious habits, to strive for ten years 
to raise his head above water and float along 
pleasantly upon the full tide of a prosperous busi- 
ness, but could not succeed. On the contrary, he 
was in a constant struggle to preserve his position 
and maintain his family. What was the trouble ? 
His wife labored against him and not with him. 
She was negligent of the duties of home, and 
reckless in her expenditures. 

How many thousands follow in the same path ! 
They never cultivate habits of economy. They 
are fond of dress. To flutter in the streets in 
gaudy apparel, like a butterfly in sunshine, is the 
hight of their ambition; the aim and end of all 
their efforts. They are perfectly familiar with the 
fashions, but know nothing of the affairs of the 
kitchen or the nursery. One, two, or three servants 
must be supported to wait on them in their lazy 
habits, and look after the house while they gad. 
All this costs something. 

" A little more money to-day, love." 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 201 

"But I gave you ten dollars a few days since. " 

" Ten dollars ! Indeed, and how long will so 
small a trifle last a body ? " 

"But what disposition do you make of what I 
place in your hands ? I have seen nothing that 
you have purchased with the last I gave you." 

The wife now becomes petulent. She tosses 
her pretty little head, and with flushed cheek, 
replies : " And am I to account to you for every 
trifling pittance you dole out to me, as if I were 
your slave ? A husband should be ashamed to 
make so tyrannical a demand on his wife. How 
can I tell what becomes of my money ? It goes 
for a thousand little nick-nacks." 

The husband refuses to grant a new supply, for 
he feels that his financial affairs are in a deplorable 
condition already. And what follows ? Bills 
come flowing in from dry goods and other estab- 
lishments. He pays them. But he is not made 
of money. He is in possession of no inexhausti- 
ble fountain of wealth. Demands accumulate. 
Business with him is dull. He is disappointed in 
his returns. How can he pay? Despair stares 
him in the face. He can not go into bankruptcy, 



202 quinby's lectures. 

and having no possible means of meeting the de- 
mands against him, he yields to the tempter in an 
evil moment, commits a dishonest deed, and falls 
to rise no more, 

Alas ! how many have been caught in this fatal 
snare. And when they have fallen, how aston- 
ished and horror-stricken were their poor wives. 
" Oh ! my husband is a bankrupt : he has swindled 
his credhors, committed forgery, or been guilty 
of some other dreadful crime. " 

The shock is, indeed, exceedingly trying to the 
nerves of such wives. They go into convulsions ; 
are troubled with twinges of hysterics, and very 
much hartshorn is necessary for many days to 
keep the breath of life in them ; they are so 
wretched ; their husbands have acted so horridly ! 

The simpletons do not know that they are the 
main cause of all this difficulty, and are really as 
much implicated in the dishonorable act, and more 
culpable than their husbands. Never have they 
endeavored to assist their husbands. Never have 
they studied economy, and by their own personal 
efforts and sympathies encouraged their husbands 
in their laudable efforts. 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 203 

Now, the good wife considers all these things. 
She not only asks her husband to be honest, but 
she is honest herself, and thus is a help to him in 
his honorable endeavors. She thinks not only of 
what she wants, but of what her husband owes; 
and she never runs into extravagance to make an 
outside show, but is economical and industrious, 
and kindly unites her energies with those of her 
husband to assist him in meeting his engagements 
and paying his debts. 

Such a woman is an invaluable blessing to her 
companion. She will not deceive him. She will 
have no disposition to run him in debt without his 
knowledge, and she will never boast of how much 
she secretly filches from his pockets and appropri- 
ates to her own purposes. 

4. The vrife should cultivate a taste for domestic 
life ; a love for home and the duties of home. 

Some women think more of the ball room and 
the theater, than of any department in the do- 
mestic arrangement of home. They are more 
frequently seen in the streets than at their own 
fireside, and have a stronger affection for the fash- 
ionable follies of life, than for what will make home 



204 QUINBV's LECTURES. 

neat, tidy, comfortable and happy. Solomon says 
of the good wife : " She looketh well to the ways 
of her household, and eateth not the bread of 
idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed , 
her husband also and he praiseth her." 

I love to see a woman fond of social life ; one 
who can afford an hour with her friends. But I 
also love to see her affections strongly fixed upon, 
the duties of her own fireside — the demands of 
her own home. I love to see a wife who takes 
pleasure in regulating all the internal arrangements 
of her family, and who is never so happy as when 
presiding over her household like a queen over her 
realm. To her, home is never dull and gloomy, 
but the sweetest and most delightful spot on earth. 

" It rains. What lady loves a rainy day ? 
She loves a rainy day, who sweeps the hearth, 
And threads the busy needle, or applies 
The scissors to the torn or thread-bare sleeves ; 
Who blesses God that she has friends and home ; 
Who, in the pelting of the storm, will think 
Of some poor neighbor that she can befriend ; 
Who trims the lamp at night, and reads aloud 
To a young brother, tales he loves to hear; 
Such are not sad even on a rainy day." 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 205 

No woman can be a good wife who does not 
love home and look after the duties of home. 
The early mothers of the American colonies were 
proverbial for their interest in domestic neatness 
and thrift. They were excellent housewives. 
Their own homes were to them the most charming 
spots on earth. They were never forsaken for 
pleasure parties and folly. Servants were not the 
managers of their domestic concerns, and their 
children were not left to destroy themselves by 
their own passions, love of idleness and mis- 
chief, but were thoroughly educated in all the 
virtues of industry, sobriety and religion. The 
most dignified and wealthy ladies of our land 
were not ashamed of the labors of the kitchen. 
The wives of the Signers of the Declaration 
of Independence were of this description. Even 
Mrs. Washington, the gifted lady of the Father of 
his Country, was an excellent pattern of industry 
to her countrywomen, and in all that goes to 
make the good wife. 

There is a little incident related of her which I 
.must mention for the benefit of such of the young 
ladies present as may entertain feelings of aver- 



206 quinby's lectures. 

sion to domestic duties, and who are inclined to 
sit whole afternoons in company without a stitch of 
work, because a shallow-pated aristocracy has 
pronounced industry to be among the vulgar 
thino-s of life. 

o 

While General Washington was President of 
the United States, Mrs. Troup, the lady of a half- 
pay captain in the British navy, living in the 
vicinity of Washington's residence, called on a 
Mrs. Tuttle, a friend of hers, one day, and the 
usual compliments were hardly passed before she 
said : " Well, what do you think, Mrs. Tuttle ? I 
have been to see Lady Washington.' ' 

" Have you, indeed ? Then tell me all about 
how you found her ladyship — how she appeared 
and what she said." 

" Well, I will honestly tell you," answered Mrs. 
Troup. " I never was so 'shamed in all my life. 
You see that several of us thought we would 
visit Lady Washington in company. There was 

Madame and Madame and 

Madame Budd and myself; and as she was said 
to be so grand a lady, we thought we must put on 
our best bibs and bands. So we dressed ourselves 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 207 

in our elegant silks and ruffles, and were introduced 
to her ladyship. And do'nt you think we found 
her knitting and with a speck' d apron on ! She 
received us very graciously and easily, but af.er 
the compliments were over she resumed her knitting, 
and there we were without a stitch of work and 
sitting in state ; but General Washington's lady, 
with her own hands, was knitting stockings for 
herself and husband ! 

" And that was not all. In the afternoon her 
ladyship took occasion to say, in a way that we 
could not be offended at, that at this time it was 
very important that American ladies should be 
patterns of industry to their countrywomen, be- 
cause the separation from the mother country will 
dry up the sources whence many of our comforts 
have been derived. We must become indepen- 
dent by our determination to do without what we 
can not make ourselves. While our husbands 
and brothers are examples of patriotism, we must 
be patterns of industry. " 

These were the wives — these the mothers — who 
had charge of the homes of our early fathers — 
the heroes of the American Revolution. What 



208 quinby's lectures. 

an honor and blessing to our country ! And 
believe me, my young friends, it was one of the 
main secrets of our early success and thrift. But 
alas ! " how has the gold become dim." Now 
a fashionable lady must know nothing of her own 
home ; or at least any part of it excepting the 
parlor. She must have an aversion to the kitchen 
and even the nursery. Every few weeks she 
must become "weary of home," and very " impa- 
tient of confinement ; " she must "travel to break 
in on the monotony of life ; " " every thing 
around her is becoming so stupid." As for touch- 
ing a stitch of work, why the very thought of it 
would drive her into hysterics. There are thou- 
sands who call themselves wives in our country 
to day of this description. Let me assure you, 
my young friends, this is all wrong. Copy the 
wise examples of our early mothers if you would 
be happy — become good wives, and be a blessing 
to community and your country. 

5. The ivife should always cultivate a spirit of 
kindness and gentleness. 

This is, perhaps, the most lovely feature in the 
character of woman. What a blessing to her 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 209 

husband, and indeed to every member of her 
family, is the kind, gentle, sympathizing com- 
panion, wife and mother ! Her heart is like a 
cheerful fire in winter. It warms all around her, 
imparting confidence, joy and mutual tenderness 
and affection. 

When the husband is absent from his home, 
how sweet and blessed does it appear to his imag- 
ination ! How does he long to return, as the dove 
to the ark, because he can find no other place of 
rest. 

Now, young ladies, I am going to tell you a 
secret, and a very important secret ; important to 
your happiness and the interests of your husbands. 
It is a secret, moreover, which but few of your sex 
learn till it is too late. Some ladies would give 
very much to possess it. But I perceive you are 
impatient to know what this remarkable secret is. 
Well, it is merely this : The art of keeping your 
husbands at home during all their spare moments. 
"And how can that be done?" say you? I 
answer : By making home the sweetest place to 
the husband on earth — by your kindness, gen- 
tleness and smiles. 
14 



210 quinsy's lectures. 

In defining the duties of the husband I was 
particular to state, a few moments since, that he 
should cultivate a love for home, and endeavor 
to impart contentment and happiness to his family 
by passing his leisure hours in their midst. I now 
urge it as a duty of the wife to tie her husband to 
his home ; not with a hempen cord, but with some- 
thing less easily broken, viz: the influence of a 
gentle spirit. 

I have known many a woman to lament very 
seriously the absence of her husband from home, 
when she, herself, was the very cause of that 
absence by making his home a hell. He could 
find no peace there, and would visit the grog 
shop, tavern, or any other place where rest was 
offered. Such women have not been led into the 
secret of which I have spoken. " My husband 
neglects his home," said a lady to her friend, with 
a lono: drawn sigh and doleful countenance. " He 
spends but little time with me, but seems impatient 
to get away. What would you do if you were in 
my place ? " 

"Use more honey" was the ready and reason- 
able reply. This lady had the secret of which I 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 211 

have spoken. She knew the attraction there is in 
honey. 

Let the wife then use honey and not vinegar. 
Let her study to make the home of her husband 
pleasant and delightful by her sweetness and 
gentleness. When he returns from his business, 
or from the labors of the day, perhaps weary, 
perplexed, and out of humor, do not fret him still 
more with sour looks and bitter replies, but soothe 
and comfort him by kindly words and affectionate 
smiles. 

To use the words of a recent writer, " Some 
husbands, who are naturally kind, amiable, 
and noble-hearted, have not, as yet, entirely con- 
quered old Adam. They are passionate, quick — 
very quick on some occasions — fairly flask. The 
wife must take care of the tinder-box at such 
times. Is there a spark kindling ? Do'nt blow 
it for the world. If you do, what follows ? Why, 
1 tit for tat/ ' eye for eye/ ' tooth for tooth/ 
None of this, as you value heaven or a peaceful 
home. ' Angry words stir up strife ; but a soft 
answer turneth away wrath/ The moment the 
waters begin to boil, stop ! Put on your best, 



212 CIUINBY'S LECTURES, 

sweetest, gentlest robe of meekness and love — 
say peace to the troubled waters, and by and 
by there will be a great calm. Then very 
soon the cloud will pass from the brow of your 
dearest — the bright rays of love will beam forth, 
and he will take you to his heart, acknowledging 
you to be an angel — too pure and blessed for 
earth." 

You perceive, my young friends, the effect of 
a gentle, loving spirit on the rough, turbulent 
mind of man. Where there is hrtterness, there is 
no article that can be used to better advantage 
than honey. 

" I noticed," said Franklin, " a mechanic, 
among a number of others, at work on a house 
erected but a little way from my office, who 
always appeared to be in a merry humor, who 
had a kind word and cheerful smile for every one 
he met. Let the day be ever so cold, gloomy or 
sunless, a happy smile danced like a sunbeam on 
his cheerful countenance. Meeting him one morn- 
ing, I asked him to tell the secret of his constant 
happy flow of spirits. 

" 'No secret, Doctor/ he replied ; 'I have got 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 213 

one of the best of wives ; and when I go to work 
she always has a kind word of encouragement for 
me ; and when I go home she meets me with a 
smile and a kiss ; and then tea is sure to be ready ; 
and she has done so many little things through 
the day to please me, that I can not find it in my 
heart to speak an unkind word to any body.' " 

What an influence, then, hath woman over the 
heart of man to soften it and make it the fountain 
of cheerful and pure emotions ! Be gentle, then. 
A happy smile and a kind word of greeting after 
the toils of the da , are over, cost nothing, and go 
far toward making home happy, cheerful and 
blessed. 

More than this. As I told you on a former 
occasion, some husbands sting with sharp words. 
But are you aware that bees and wasps will not 
sting a person who is imbued with honey ? Well, 
this is true. " Hence those who are exposed to 
the venom of these little creatures, when they 
have occasion to hive bees or take a nest of 
wasps, smear their face and hands with honey, 
which is found to be the best preventive." So it 
may be with the wife; yea, with all who are 



214 CIUINBY'S LECTURES. 

sometimes troubled with the stings of a hasty, 
venomous tongue. The best defense against this 
poison is to have the spirit lathed in honey. Let 
every part be saturated with meekness, gentleness, 
forbearance and patience, and the arrows of spite 
will fall harmless ; yea, the disposition to shoot 
them will be taken away, — kindness and tender- 
ness will take its place, and very much peace will 
be secured as a consequence. 

Thus have I enumerated some of the most 
prominent duties of the husband and the wife ; 
and will close what I have to say on this occasion, 
and indeed in this series of lectures on marriage, 
by observing that the finest allegorical representa- 
tion of the marriage union in the world, is said 
to be an antique gem in the collection of the Duke 
of Marlborough, representing the marriage of 
Cupid and Psyche, 

il 1. Both are represented as winged, to show the 
alacrity with which the husband and wife should 
help, comfort and support each other ; preventing, 
as much as possible, the expressing of a wish or 
want on either side, by fulfilling it before it can be 
expressed. 2. Both are vailed to show that mod- 



DUTIES OF THE WIFE. 215 

esty is an inseparable attendant on pure matrimo- 
nial connections. 3. Hymen goes before them with 
a lighted toreh, leading them by a chain, of which 
each has a hold, to show that they are united 
together, and are bound to each other, and that 
they are led to this by the pure flame of love, 
which at the same instant both enlightens and 
warms them. 4. This chain is not made of brass 
nor iron, to intimate that the marriage union is a 
state of thraldom or slavery, but it is a chain of 
pearls, to show that the union is precious, beautiful 
and delightful. 5. They hold a dove, the emblem 
of conjugal fidelity, which they appear to embrace 
affectionately, to show that they are faithful to 
each other, not merely through duty, but by affec- 
tion. 6. A winged Cupid, or Love, is represented 
as having gone before them preparing the nuptial 
feast, to show that active affections are to be to 
them a constant source of happiness and peace. 
And, lastly, the genius of Love which follows them, 
has his wings shriveled up, so as to render them 
utterly unfit for flight : to intimate that love is to 
abide with them ; that there is to be no separation 
in affection. Thus love begins and continues this 



216 aUINBY's LECTURES. 

sacred union. As to end, there can be none, for 
God hath yoked them together." 

That the beautiful teachings of this allegorical 
representation may be familiar to you all by a 
happy experience, is the ardent prayer of him who 
has endeavored to entertain and instruct you in 
these lectures. 

" If you feel love to decline, track out quickly the secret 
cause. 

Let it not rankle for a single day, but confess and bewail 
it together 

Let no one have thy confidence, O wife ! save thine hus- 
band : 

Have not a friend more intimate, husband ! than thy 
wife. 

Bride and bridegroom ! pilgrims of life, henceforward 
travel together. 

In this, the beginning of your journey, neglect not the 
favor of Heaven. 

Let the day of hopes fulfilled be blest by many prayers ; 

And at eventide kneel ye together, that your joy be not 
unhallowed. 

Angels that are round you shall be glad, those loving min- 
isters of mercy ; 

And the richest blessings of God shall be poured on his 
favored children." 



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